Listening to Incomplete by Backstreet Boys. Yeah BSB doesn’t sound like Syd. Time has its affects on me. Anyways. I was reading this blog written by a lady I am not going to disclose. No not the blog, I’m not going to disclose the name of the lady or lady herself. Anyways again, in her blog she’s complaining about Men (Ah Garbage’s #1 Crush just popped up… again time or should I say circumstances had their affect on me) and their glancing, gazing and staring at her. Once I said to this lady “Ab agar tum larki ho to tumhain larkay hee takrain ge naa”, on this she said “Haan takrtay hain liken kya har larka line marta hai?” LOLZ… she was funny back then, I don’t know if she still is or not.
Ok the song now playing is Incubus’s Neither of Us can see — Isn’t it disdainful and curious. It is a beautiful song, the lyrics and everything, the guitar and stuff. LOLZ since it is a duet the lady has a line in which she says “I am… just a… blinking neon roadside attraction” reminds of how the disclosed-lady complained of being the object of illegal gazing attraction.
Now it’s Bent by Matchbox Twenty — I started out clean but now I’m jaded. Another one of a kind song. It takes me back to time when I first came to listen to this song, I was in Matric as we call it here, make it I was in tenth grade. Hmm much better. English and its ego. I’m not good at it all, I mean in English language. (Ah here comes my man Metallica with No Leaf Clover -– and it feels right this time). Clover is a leaf said to have its significance on luck in Egypt. Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel… was just a freight train coming your way. I like Jaymz. He was or I think he still is my ideal as he is 6 ft. 4 In. and I’m just 5 ft. 4 In., Pretty short for a 24 year old Asian grown up male. I am the shortest guy in my every group. Though I don’t feel the pride of holding the first position in being the shortest member but I cannot do anything about it as well. Again the time had its affect on me. (Its Metallica again with Die, Die my darling -– I’ll be seeing you in hell).
I’ve to iron my clothes or press my cloths, cloth as in Suit. Have a wedding to attend. Umer or Lamba as we call him (why Lamba? because the guy is 6ft+) elder brother is getting married and today is his Valima, so he’s already married and today is his valima (When you were with me, I’m free, I’m careless, I believe, above of all the other we’ll fly, this bring tears to my eyes… guessed the song yet… if not then it’s My Sacrifice by Creed). Creed reminds me of this disclosed-lady, because she is associated with one of their song With Arms Wide Open. I just want to say hello again. 
Yeah to her probably, no not to her, not to AWM, not to anyone. Who is AWM? She’s another lady in my life. Don’t mistake me for the men that disclosed-lady encountered in the nooks and crannies. But fact of matter I’ve many ladies in my life apart from my heavenly sweet Ma and my sister who keep bending my ears every now and then. Mind it that these ladies don’t include my cousins. HAHAHA again don’t mistake me for men on the street gazing, glancing and staring ladies passing by. I am not that charming, in fact, I am not at all charming to attract a lady towards my-perfect-self and claim that I’ve many ladies in my life but I manage to have some friends who are girls. No not by calling them Bajis and Aapas. But naturally, some of them are my work colleagues, and some of them are my university colleagues. (Haven’t you seen the ruins of our world – its Ice Queen by Within Temptation) I was talking about AWM, technically speaking AWM stands for Arctic Warfare Magnum. It’s a sniping weapon I play my best with in Counter-Strike. But why would I nickname it to a lady? Because she was such a good friends to me. We both were so much in sync with each other that most of the time I knew her reply and she knew mine. I cannot explain the addiction I had for her and her company. I think the word addiction itself explains a lot. And when she left me, I was ripped, tormented, shattered, broken into pieces and still the cracks on my mind and thoughts are visible and any sane person can guess just by looking for a while at me. (It is a coincidence that Metallica’s Ain’t my bitch is playing, no I am not saying that I am relating this song to her, you got the idea). But when my time comes I’ll drag myself back again. Don’t worry. You don’t have to miss me or my company like I misses AWM’s. People and especially ladies in my life were meant to leave me and the promises these female species made to me were meant to be broken, promises that they made verbally and even the promises that they did not made verbally but by looking at myself as if they will never let me go anywhere, promises they made by anxiously searching for me by just listening to my voice for a measurable distance, promises that they made by looking into my eyes long enough to make me believe that I have committed a sin and now to repent this sin I have to ask them to be my wedded wife, promises they made by getting annoyed when I talked and laughed and grinned around with other girls, promises they made when they stayed with me throughout my lunch, promises they made by wearing the color I asked them to wear when we both were up all night chatting about nothing but what we did that day, promises they made when they said “Mein tumse alag ho hee nahi sakti”, promises they made when they uncountable time addressed me as “Meri Jaan, meray jigar ka tukra” and when they got all childish and stubborn knowing that I am there to cater their every emotional need of belonging to someone, promises they made when they held my hand for hours and hours and we both worked on the SRSs and Proposal of different clients, promises they made when they quietly rested their head on my shoulder and let their silence do the talking to me for them, promises they made when they confidently said “kartay tum wohi jo mein chahti hoon”, promises they made which they themselves didn’t even knew that they have made a promise which they might never be able to keep. And Alas! the sad day came and sadness took the scar that were made by the broken promises, the scars on my mind, my thoughts, my words, my everything. I stood quietly (again a coincidence, Atif Aslam’s Doorie playing… khamoshiyan ye… seh naa sakon… awaz dey ke mujhay tu… dey ja sukoon) yes it’s an unbearable weight of pain that I am still carrying on my heart. Quiet as I may look from outside, I never let out my anger and pain on this world, quiet as I am is nothing but the silent brought by the shock those broken promises and fragile dreams gave me. I was stupid enough to listen to their fabricated words. And now here I am, writing this blog for my site
Metallica’s The memory remains is playing and it is Marianne Faithful with her RaRaRaaaa part. The most beautiful part of the song, in fact, it’s a beautiful concept with a metal song like this one, Marianne’s voice, Lars thrashing the Tama’s snares and Zildjian’s Cymbals. That’s why Metallica is Metallica, and that’s why I like them.
.: Here onwards I wrote after coming from the Valima :.
The valima was good. Me, Shamail, Sarwar, Arif, Rehan and Umer. Ah the light or electricity just came. Let me turn off the gas lamp and shutdown the lights that were left open the time electricity went out
Ok. Back. I just remember that I wrote a testimonial on orkut to the disclosed-lady in which I pronounced her “Immortal”. Yeah she still is immortal to me. She was one best friend I had. I still don’t know the reason why she left me. No I didn’t say anything like I love her or anything of that sort. She was already committed to someone of whom I knew very well. She left me unattended, I’m not saying that she left me without a reason because she might have a reason, it’s only that she didn’t tell me the reason. And one day I was out of her MSN list. The day was Thursday and the date was July 25, 2005. Yep, it’s almost 2.5 years now and yes I still have all the chats we had. Whenever I go through those chat history, it tells me that I was quite a literate person, probably because it was Immortal I was talking to and I had to keep myself meeting her literacy level. Which I now can’t. Why? I don’t know. And it’s best that I don’t know. I don’t know why she left me. I will never know. (Aamir Zaki’s Mera Pyaar is playing – Mera… tumhara…Woh ghar… hamara… toota hai bikhra hai jaisay sitara…) No no no… it’s a coincidence that I am writing about Disclosed-Immortal and this song is playing. There is no link or connection or relevance to both of them. Toota hai jo dil woh roye rulaa dey. Aamir Zaki is good. My cousin met him once for his guitar class. Or I think he told me about the guitar lesson Aamir was giving. No I am not into guitar, I can’t get my fingers on the strings on the neck. It’s my hand’s manufacturing fault I guess. (Try to give you warning but everyone ignores me, told you everything loud and clear, but nobody’s listening… yep it’s Linkin Park)
Before going to valima while I was reading the disclosed-lady’s blog, an unknown number appeared on my cell. I took the call. The voice came “I’m Nadir from PMO. Is this Atif?” I replied. The voice proceeded saying that he needs my following information which is required for my clearance on project. I agreed. He has given me the time till 9.00 AM to provide the desired details. (Man It’s a hot one, like seven inches from the midday sun… You are right it’s Rob Thomas with Santana Smooth). This was a strange call for me. As I haven’t been informed by my team lead Haris about me being assigned to this new project that Inbox just signed with Pak-Army. Currently I am assigned on Trakker Holding Automation in which I am playing a lead role, obviously after Haris, but now it’s my part on the project as the implementation on test server has begun. (Happiness lies in your own hand, it took me much too long to understand, how it could be, do you share your secret with me… Madonna’s Secret) and I am implement four modules there. General Ledger and Payables for Trakker (Pvt.) Ltd. and Trakker Direct Insurance. Though I don’t want to leave Trakker’s project but what can I do if my management wants my services or should I say my expertise 
somewhere else. I’ll have to go to Islamabad for POC and the current said duration of this POC project is no less than three years. Trakker’s project is on 11 months duration. (But when you hold me near, your drown out the crowd, try as they may they can never define what’s been said between your heart and mine… When you say nothing at all by Ronan Keating… yeah I know you guessed it) this song is also associated with the Immortal. She liked this song much than I did. Again I don’t know if she still does. I now only know her through her blog, that’s all I know of her. I think after pen-pal now we have blog-pal
Its 2.08 AM in the morning and I am still up writing my head off. I don’t know why this surge of writing came to me but at the moment I am enjoying the twist and turns of my mind and my fingers on the laptop’s cluttered keyboard. (Limp bizkit’s Chocolate Starfish ended and GN’R’s You could be mine live performance has taken its rhythmic lead… yeah baby its Slash after all… I’m a cold heartbreaker, fits to burn, and I’ll rip your heart in two) I was saying in fact writing that it is now 2.12 AM in the morning and I have to wake Shamail at 7.30 so that we both can leave for office by 8.15 and reach there before 9.15. One hour looks enough time to reach one’s office but we are talking about Karachi’s Shahrah-e-Faisal traffic here, and that too on the office rush hour. It takes us one hour from Malir Halt to Nursery, believe me. And I’ve to walk from Nursery to Allah wali Chorangi’s McDonald. Yeah Trakker’s office is in that McDonald’s building or to tell you the fact that whole building is rented by Trakker. All five floors belong to them. (Linkin’s PPR:CUT has begun…why does it feel like night today, something here is not right today, why am I so uptight today, paranoid is all I got left, I don’t know what stressed me first or how the pressure was fed..)
I switched to my aapa’s chat history and started reading today’s conversation. My aapa is my senior from University and now she’s with me in Inbox. She’s a Senior Software Engineer II. No she is one of the friends out of my other girlfriends and in today’s chat history we were talking about m4a1. Who is m4a1? Obviously I’m not going to disclose that too. But to get some picture it is enough for you to know that m4a1 is someone I find cute enough to bother my thoughts while I am busy working with Oracle’s Intercompany’s complicated and complex setup and stuff. Anyways I was telling aapa that I am all alone in the room and all of my team members have left. So she asked “m4a1 bhi nahi hai kya?” she was joking here, I replied “woh to hamesha aeroplane urra ti rehti hai, pilot bani rehti hai”. Actually her job is more of attending customers complains and she always has this headphone and mic on her. So I sarcastically said to aapa that she busy flying the aeroplane. I’m laughing out loud now on my comment on poor m4a1 who knows nothing about me and aapa’s conversation about her. Still I’m laughing out loud though Metallica’s One is playing and Kirk is busy giving his ultimate solo. Hey this Media Player’s random is biased. Out of 669 songs that I have in the list it randomly picked another Metallica’s song, this one is Call of Ktulu.
The time is 2.51 AM and I am in no mood of sleeping. HaHaHa. Me and my insomniac habit. Hey have you heard Insomnia by Megadeth, it’s a good song. I like it. It was the first song I liked in their album Risk. Though after that I almost listen to every song from this album. Ok Call of Ktulu is coming to end and now its Megadeth’s Use the Man (I heard somebody fixed today there was no last good byes to say, his will to live ran out I heard somebody turn to dust, looking back at what he left, list of plans and photographs)
The time now is not logical from the time mentioned in above paragraph. It is 5.09, how did I reach 5 from 2, I’ll explain it in a while, right now Linkin’s Shadow of the day is playing – the sun will set for you, and the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray. OK the time explanation. You see I had to go to valima so the part I started after valima was written after coming from valima but the part about the AWM and the affects of the broken promises and the way those promises were made I wrote it in the time span between 2.51 till 5.09. I took a rest for some time as well, listened to many other random songs. Now it is Kavita K. Murthi with Hum dil de chuke sanam… nah I’m skipping this song, let’s see which one comes next… OK nice, its Linkin Park again with Place for my head… I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark, shining from the light from the sun, the sun doesn’t gave the light to the assuming the moon’s gonna owe it one, it make me think of how you act to me… hmm so where was I? oh yes, AWM, no, not there, on the time explanation. Go away you, try to take the best of me. Ladies and Gentle Ladies this is Chester Bennington screaming his trade mark voice. Now it’s Die Another Day’s title song by glamorous Madonna. She is another lady legend. The BMW ad she did with Clive Owen is awesome, totally awesome.
Ok, finally time for Fajr prayer, and time for satan to make me fall asleep.
As I was listening to Azaan, satan started persuading me to sleep, and the evil move he played was to appear in the form of Immortal. Haha, he was stupid enough that he didn’t knew that she is happily married and I will never imagine her in any way. That loser had to try someone else. Anyways, I’ve to go and get myself ready for Fajr prayer. Excuse me for a while. Its 5.40 now.
Back but leaving again, have to buy some smoke. the time is 6.02
Back again with a pack of smoke, the time is 6.36. listening to In Flames’s Cloud Connected—I’ve come to realize, with every little glimpse, you fade. What a beautiful line. I want Come Clarity from Shamail. I’ll ask him when he’ll come online. For now I’ve to wake him. I think it’s almost 40 minutes left till I start to wake him. (A hundred days have made older, since the last time that I’ve saw your pretty face, A thousand lives have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same… but all the miles are separate, they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face. I’m here without you babay… yeah that 3 Doors Down… you are getting good at guessing songs I listen to… that a good sign of us becoming a friend.)
Mom’s awake. She was all worried when she didn’t saw me in the room, when I came back she asked me where I was. I only told her that I was out. Couldn’t tell her that I was out to buy smoke for myself. Couldn’t tell her that I was out buying stuff that’ll kill her son slowly… so slowly that she won’t even realize that her eldest son is dying out of burden (The song now playing is Linkin Park’s Wth>You — its true the way I feel, what’s promised by your face, the sound of your voice painted on my memories, even if you are not with me, I’m with you)
The time says that I am 6.50. and I say I am what I am, time, oh I remember the song by Entity Paradigm “Waqt” — waqt chalta raha, ghar jalta raha. Or the song by Megadeth Time: The Beginning and Time: The End. (WTF the song playing is Kajra Re from some stupid Indian movie, probably, Bunty and Bubli… let’s change the song, lets push the next button and see what DJ Random has for both of us… ok its GN’R again with live performance of Don’t Cry — Talk to me softly, there’s something in your eye, don’t hang your head in sorrow and please don’t cry, I know how you feel inside, I’ve been there before, something is changing inside you and don’t you know… don’t you cry tonight, I still love you babay).
Thinking of pressing or ironing my clothes myself, ah here comes Slash with his Solo… again Slash is Slash, he holds his own position in Rock, Hard rock and other genre. Axl screaming Don’t you cry tonight, there’s heaven above you babay. What was I thinking… oh yes… press my clothes. Nah I think let Ma do her job. Yes I agree that I should do my own chores and stuff but it’s her who has given me the bad habit of depending on her. Though I am the eldest son but she treats me as if I am the youngest. My brother do all his own work by himself, whereas I look forward to Ma whenever I need something to eat, I get the water myself, probably because I don’t drink much, so less the work, less the effort, less the gain. Everything is less, unless I change myself from this selfless attitude. One day, someday, I’ll stand tall with all my achievements, that day will come soon. (its Metallica’s Low Man Lyrics playing… there’s a dog at your back step, he must be coming from the rain)
The time is 7.05. Laptop’s battery is only 53% and Charging. I picked my cell phone to see what time it has and its 7.23 there. Hmm my cell phone is around 20 minutes ahead of the world. The song now playing is Scott Strap’s Broken. No no its not the one from The Punisher’s OST, this one is another, it’s also good as the one Seethar sang with Amy Lee. This Scott strap broken goes like why do we all overcome with fear, what if I told you that the fear isn’t real, why are we overcome with death?, what if I told you my friend your doubt, you could live without. There is a question I wanted to understand, why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again… Do you know… what it feels like… to be broken again, scared and confused. Anyways, I going to ma to ask what’s for the breakfast. Can’t see her from here, probably she’s ironing my clothes. Wait let me check. The time is 7.16
Yep she was ironing my clothes. The shirt she pressed was the one I picked to wear on valima but as I started ironing it the damn electricity went out, and I had to wear the cloth I wore yesterday. (Nickelback’s Someday is playing – - someday, somehow, I’m gonna make it alright but not right now, you’re the only one who knows that. The song ended and now its Avril’s Nobody’s Home. I sometimes listens to Avril, most of her songs seems to fit my miserable life, though she is a she and I am a He but still the circumstance matches like one of her song “My Happy Ending” perfectly matches from my ending and then this song somewhat matches too)
It’s time to wake CJ and Lamba, lets pick the phone the search them and ring them a morning wake bell. Called Shamail but he is not picking up his phone, called Umer and his cell is, I guess, deliberately off. Second time CJ picked the call. Now let’s see if umer does the same. (MJ’s Dangerous playing – - don’t you pretend you never did me before)
The electricity is out again. The time here is 7.37. Laptop battery says it only has 1 Hr 26 minutes left. I think I should hold the blog here till I get the next electricity source. Cause I think we might need the battery on our way to office because we connect my laptop with CJ car’s deck. The last song that came is an instrumental by Hans Zimmer for a Blockbuster Hollywood Movie… Any guesses… need some hint… come on… think… not as hard as you think… pretty inspiring movie… got it… no.. ok here is a hint… the movie was released in 2000… need more… come one… ok here is a line from the movie – “Am I not Merciful?” … got it… ok then leave it better. Am out for the moment till I reach office to upload this blog. The time is 7.44
The time now is 10.24. Don’t ask what happened in between the above paragraph and now.
Me leaving… for now.
~Syd
