The hate…

At the office and I’m not liking this place at all. Though I never mind being here…but right now I’m totally hating it…:-@

Thats all.
Syd.

Back again…with nothing much

I have been ignorant to my writing ability or at least thats what I call it. Its 1:25 in the morning and I am unable to sleep. Yes, there are times when I do want to sleep, so that the time passes by taking some of the pain away. Yes, there are times when I am not strong enough to stand tall in front of my inevitable misery. Adding to it, Yes, I do pray to God for his mercy on me. Adding more to it, I do get disappointed when I stare at the sky, with both my hands raised in His court, and I have to look back down with my hands full of emptiness and hope of another turn to stand again and stare at the sky with both my hand raised in His court, just to beg and plea and pray and cry for his merciness and forgiveness and a chance to believe in Him with even more courage and more satisfaction. But, alas!, nothing.

My iPod is playing John William’s Theme from Schiendler’s List. It has become the background music of my life. She’s long asleep and I’m not.

That’s all for now. It is good to be back after a long time.

Take care. Keep writing.

Random babbling

Its 04:30 in the morning and I am still awake, nothing new for me, nothing new for most of people who know me. Last night me and Shamail went to Airport McDonald. He picked me from office, in fact, I went to Agha’s where he was waiting for me and from there we went to McD. Mostly our topic of discussions are Movies, Music, Cellphones, Cars, little bit of politics, philosophy of life or mostly discussed my inabilities. What inability one might ask? Well, there are many, as much as my outlook might seem, I am not that much of a mature person.

Work was heavy, but for last two days, the load is almost none, or maybe I am not working. Yeah, this happens sometimes when mind is diverted.

Eminem’s Love the Way You Lie Pt.2 is playing and I’m Lovin’ it.

“On the first page of a story…”

I wish I could take out my anger and frustration like he did in the song. If only I could turn my emotions into words and let this world burn with the heat of it. But if I was able to do that, I wouldn’t be writing here.

“Run out the room and I follow you like a lost puppy” — that’s Eminem

Day before yesterday I watched Nicholas Cage’s Drive Angry. The movie was fine, apparently it looks like a comic character but I think its not. I like the Accountant in the movie. Next in que: Passion Play starring Megan Fox and Mickey Rourk and after that Just Go with It starring Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler.

That’s All. Am out.

TaK3 C4R3.

OK people, you can breath now…

The hype created by media, and those who consider the opponent their sworn enemies and above all consider a sporting event as war, it ended right into their faces. Yeah yeah, the team fought… but the team lost. It’s not the team who deserved the defeat, it’s the people of this country who don’t deserve victory. Why should they? What do we have in us to be proud of? Everything is getting worse day by day. And out of nowhere everyone is dying to win a damn cricket match.

Is this the only ground where we all stand united? What about other atrocities? What about the war that’s been going on since the day we were liberated?

Nothing… it’s all about a cricket match with the neighboring country… the load shedding will be postponded for the match, offices remains close for the match…

So much for the Tees March Khan, so much for the black stone practice, so much for all the SMSs floating around for prayers and hope, even God didn’t listen.

Snap out of it people. Winning a cricket match wont bring bread and butter to this country, it won’t bring the civic sense and sense of being responsible of your action.

That’s all.

~Syd

Look a post…

It’s nothing. I just wanted to see how facebook will display this post.

That’s all

~Syd

Dinner out with colleagues

Just came back from the dinner… it was fun and the food was good too. Went to Shaheen Shinwari, the one near Milennium mall. Me, Kashif, Billu, Zulfi, Shani, Lala and Umer.

It is good to socialize and especially with people you have to spend most of your day with.

That’s all.

~Syd

Getting used to it…

To what? one might ask…

And it is the new keyboard… wait… let me put it this way… to the new laptop… the keys are very well misplaced by these Dell people. I still don’t get the idea of placing a backslash before the Z and making the Shift key smaller than it is on every other keyboard.  Strange really… anyways, these were the question that should’ve been asked before buying the machine.

Life, at the moment, is getting very low. Damnit the backslash key, every time I try to press the shift key I get a slash. With this abnormal keyboard, I was wondering what a subject HCI might be.

I don’t like it… at all. No, I’m not whining about the keyboard this time, I’m whining about her and her still being the inspiration of my writing. Time sometimes doesn’t heal everything. Or may be I am more stubborn than time itself.

God help me please, I really need it. And please cure my skin problem, it is really getting on my way to live a normal life.

That’s all.

Take care. Keep Writing

~Syd

So much to do in Life…

“This is my night, dancin’ free till morning light”… just thought of changing of Amber’s song into this. Right now at work, waiting for Furrukh Sb. to tell me “Time to go”.

Today, one of my Oracle Apps blog entry was referred on Oracle Support Forum. May be it’s something to be happy about or may be it’s not. Fragile Dreams by Anathema is playing on my iPod and I’m Lovin’ It

There is so much to do in life and in so less time. Ah FB Status “There is so much to do in life and in so less time” Status updated. Chatting with Shamail, he’s in Lahore. Sometimes I think “Have I achieved something? Am I there yet?”, although there is nothing to compare and answer to my thought but still! I ask God “Have I served my purpose yet?” Again I have no replies to satisfy my own question. What is the philosophy our life? The purpose? The reason? Religiously speaking there is; to serve God All Mighty but since I am not religious so I try to seek the purpose in this world. But then haven’t I failed already when I say I am not religious?

The countdown is on, eleven working days to go.

God please help me and everyone else to seek the purpose of this life.

That’s all. Take care.

My Name is Not Khan, but I’m not a Terrorist as well

I saw this movie last night, My Name Is Khan. The depiction of a Muslim being not a terrorist is VERY true. The theory is correct that there are two types of people, Good and Bad. Religion is a personal thing, but yet again, Islam doesn’t approve of any kind of violence, destruction or terrorism. The word used “Jihad” in the movie was shown as some mandatory violence, which is NOT the case, like Khan says,”No, no, No”. Islam is all about peace, the word itself is the derivative or synonym of “Peace, Forgiveness and Amnesty”.

I am not talking about any other person who depicts Islam, I am talking about myself. I am a Muslim, I believe in Allah, I believe in Prophet Muhammad yet I don’t mind any other person not believing in Them. I respect other for being a human, I don’t respect them for being a Muslim.

Why can’t others do the same? Why can’t they respect humanity instead of respecting the religion. God has made us Human first, religion comes in second. God has made man as superior of all the creations (Ashraf-ul-Makhluqaat), God didn’t create Human as Superior of all religion. It is important to be human then to be a Muslim.

Whoever is reading this, Please try to be a good human being rather than trying to be a good Muslim or Hindu or Christian or Jew.

Again, my name is not Khan, but I’m not a terrorist, neither are you, then why all the hatred in this world?

God, please have mercy on me and all the humanity.

~Syd

Eid-Ul-Fitr 2010

Day 1: Went to relatives

Day 2: Went to cousin’s engagement ceremony and at night stayed at another cousin for cards night.

Day 3: Prolonged the stay at the same cousin for more card games

Day 4: Writing this blog.

That’s All. Back to office work and stuff.

~Syd

Enough for this country

God, please help Pakistan. Enough of downtime for this country. Enough with the political fuck ups, enough with religious differences, enough with the innocent people dying, enough with catastrophes, enough with the rising prices and low life standards. Please God help us. Enough with leading individual and self-centered lives, make us a nation again. Make us believe that You are still with us, that You care about us, that You will lead us to the path a Muslim Nation is supposed to live. Please God help us.

I am not a patriot but this is way too much for sorrows. There are other countries which have seen worse of it. I wish we are not one of them. I wish we, Pakistani, prevail. We are capable, I am capable, I know people who are capable and the situation of this country is very unfair to their capabilities. God this is not how a Muslim Nation should be. Please Help Us.

I am frustrated for this things I haven’t committed. How unjust and unfair is this!

Honesty, Integrity, Sincerity, where are these qualities? I cannot understand why people of Pakistan have to suffer on stupid aspects of life. Cricket, it is just a sport, a god-damn useless physical activity that is supposed to be entertainment. Why does someone so pathetic has to represent us in such useless activity?

Natural Disasters, every country has to face one or another dark side of nature, but why to steal the relief funds? Why the hell are we in a situation where our high officials have to beg for penny! People only get to live 50-60 years of their lives, why can’t they live it properly?

God please have mercy on this country.

~Syd

Movies download spree…

This is what happens when your life’s boring…. you start downloading every little-worth-while-watching movie. I guess that pretty much takes up my time, you know, scheduling the torrents, pausing them when the light goes out, resuming them when it comes back. But with this comes another issue of disk space, I don’t have much on my laptop.

So it’s the third day and I have downloaded following movies in that particular order since then:

1. How To Train Your Dragon?
2. The Centurion
3. The Predator (2010)
4. Twilight New Moon
5. Twilight Eclipse
6. Salt
7. It’s Complicated

And I’m on the last one, It’s Complicated, and following are on the download AT THE MOMENT:

1. Aliens (All four Parts)
2. Up In The Air
3. Kick-Ass
4. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid
5. Green Zone

I can’t think of any other movie to download. I am searching though, haven’t found one yet. But I must say, it is fun, though illegal but who cares. Anyways, I’m sure there are great movies to be downloaded that I will figure out which ones.

That’s all. Keep downloading movies.

~Syd

Boring…

There is nothing much to do with two of the RG gang member left for good. Sarwar and Umer. Now we are trying to stay together, we are Me, Shamail, Rehan and Shoaib bhai. Although Tahir is here on vacations so it makes a reasonable group to hang out.

I just came back from Saddar. Shoaib bhai had to buy some stuff for his relatives in Saudi. Tomorrow is office but its the first time I find it hard to be regular for it during the month of Ramadan. I don’t know why? I mean I don’t understand it, going to office was never that hard and boring for me as it is now. Maybe I’m done with all the work thing or maybe I want something new or different.

I’m downloading Great Expectation’s OST, can’t think of anything else to download. There is this theme “Kissing in the Rain” from the movie, I like it a lot and since I am out of options so I thought of downloading it. Youtube is an option but for that you have to be online, I want the music in my iPod

Currently “God be with you” is playing from the movie Devil’s Own. “Even though I cried, even though I tried”, Dolores has gifted voice, what they call it, yodeling voice.

We have recently started playing Flush or Teen Patti with minimum stakes of rs.10, but we were playing with our rules, just now I googled out the actual rules of the games. Now I am planning to play it by the rule

I am not much of card player, maybe becuz I am unlucky or stupid enough to play it.

That’s All.

~Syd

Ramadan 2010: Day 1 – 4

Day 1: I slept whole day and didn’t go to the office. At night Shamail asked if we can go to the airport. I agreed and we picked Rehan, but instead of going to airport we went to Subway.

Day 2: Again, I didn’t go to the office and made a major fuck up of my career, I don’t want to write about it here. It was something I will never do but I did. Anyways, at night we went to airport.

Day 3: Did nothing, just stayed at home.

Day 4: Tahir came to my place and then we went to gymkhana to Shamail, Rehan and Shoaib Bhai.

That’s All

There is a lot going…

… in my life. Hoping to see something better in coming years, but I’m a pessimist and hoping something good is not exactly my kinda dish. Ramadan is starting this week or I think in two days. Let’s see how many iftar outs I get in this month cuz last year I was in Pindi and came back two days before Eid.

I was watching this Charmed series on YouTube, actually I wanted to watch Buffy but I ended up with the Charmed Ones . Fourth season has started and Paige has joined in. The series is about three witch sisters.

I want to read Dan Brown’s latest novel The Lost Symbols. Anyone has it?

Got an email from HR to submit 10 recent photos and copies of CNIC, prolly for the big project Inbox has got.

That’s All.

Keep writing.

~Syd

Plane Crash

Mr.Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly, he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbyes, he waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crash down, he thought “ain’t this nice!”

Isn’t it Ironic? Don’t you think.

~Syd

The game? The card?

I don’t know what has happened to my notebook’s graphic card but the crosshair is right on the opponent and I am clicking fine, no bursts, but yet everyone manages to kill me? Anyone knows anything about it? Any specific video settings? Currently it is set to OpenGL, 1280×800, widescreen. 32bit.

Any suggestions.

~Syd

KESC ki maa ki…

What the fuck is the problem with this country and its people? Why the hell can’t they live and let live a normal life? There has been no light for last 6 hours and its three in the morning. God, seriously, please have mercy.
-Syd

FIFA 2010: Iniesta did it…

It was as if the penalties will decide the fate of new winners of world cup but suddenly at around 115 minute of the game, Iniesta shoots and write a history for his country and the game.

I enjoyed it, the place where the final was screened was quite crowded, with girls and guys dressed red and orange to support their teams. Me, I was neutral cuz I was wearing a white t-shirt. Most of the crowd supported Spain and with the game play they had, it was the obvious choice. Villa, Torres, Fabregas, Pique and Ramos. The match received the most yellow card of all time, with 9 yellow card to Orange (Netherlands) and 5 to Blue (Spain).

Anyways, there is no point it waiting for Brazil 2014 but I am.

That’s all

Change

“[acoustic guitar intro plays] you are… my fire, the one… desire…” started on my iPod and I recalled the time when BSB were on most played songs’ list. I was in Abu Dhabi and life was good. With dad earning good and nothing was much bothered about.

Just today I was thinking of changing my blog’s theme to something more spacious. But then I have to design the header accordingly, and with the growing responsibilities in a growing organization make it hard for me to double click the Photoshop icon of my notebook’s desktop. But then again I have promised myself to change my life every possible and free way; like I am thinking of having long hairs, that too for a change, although I am still unable to find an answer to the question that will be asked at work by my team leader. “My tea’s gone cold and I wondering why that I got out of bed at all…” Eminem and Dido’s Stan started and I am head banging on the snares. Coming back to the promises I made to myself that I will bring about the changes that are possible without spending much of money. No I am not a miser that is why I don’t have any kind of saving. I am forgetting the rules of English grammar and use of punctuation marks. Not to mentions the spell mistakes corrected by MS Word itself.

I am happy that I got my GPRS back, now I can check my Gmail on my BB “again” that is.

So I will change the blog theme and its header if required. “You will not comprehend…” Lamb of God’s Dead Seed is playing and it’s almost 23:00 and I feeling smoke deprived. So I guess it’s pretty good time to get out in veranda and have a smoke or two.

As Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back”

[sutta break…]

Ok back from the break. “Walk with Me in Hell” is playing by Lamb of God. Yeah, I’ve recently become the fan of this metal band Lamb of God. They are amazing, especially their drummer, Chris Adler. In fact everybody has his own part. I am addicted to their songs like “Black Label”, “Walk with Me in Hell”, “Redneck”, “Something to Die for”, “The Faded Line”, “Dead Seeds”, “In Your Words”, “Set to Fail”, “Remorse for the Dead”. All these songs are amazing. Khair, getting back to where I was, you see this is the problem with me; I keep on changing topics which isn’t an attribute of good writer. Ah “Redneck” started,”so goddamn easy to write this, you make it spill out of the page…”

WordPress do have some good themes but the problem is once you choose a theme and set everything accordingly, it takes time to change it to new one. At least, I don’t have the time to do all the click and previewing thingy. But as we say it in Urdu “shauq ka koi mool nahi hota”. Metallica’s “I Disappear” is playing now and I think that’s about it. Gotta Go.

Take Care.

Keep Writing.

~Syd

FIFA 2010 Finals

Me here, in the office, working on some stupid application issues. We’ve decided to go to some place where FIFA 2010 final will be screened. We are CJ, Lamba, Rola and me. The final is on coming Sunday i.e. July 11, 2010. Although it will be July 12 after half an hour as the match begins at 23:30 PST.

Anyways, I’m supporting Netherlands but the winning prediction is for Spain.

Let’s see what happens.

That’s all

FIFA 2010: Germany lost in Semi :(

Oh well, what’s done is done. German didn’t even played the game. They were in pressure from previous defeat in Euro 2008 and same thing happened 1-0.

Thomas Muller wasn’t there. Oezil played very well. I think he’s the future star for Germany. But what I don’t understand is why isn’t Kahn part of coaching the goalkeepers? I mean Neuer wasn’t bad but… They lost.

Anyways, let’s see what Germans got against Uruguay for third place.

That’s all.

FIFA 2010 SF2: Germany vs. Spain

I tolerated a lot and controlled my anger last time in WC2006 when Germany lost to Italy by 2-0. Although like previous world cup Germany has managed to defeat Argentina in Quarter Finals. Now today’s the deciding day again and this time Germany has to win. Its 22:30 here right now. And in an hour the match will start. I don’t care what that octopus predicts, I don’t give a fuck about it. I want Germany to win the World Cup.

Sorry Villa, but I’m a German fan, no offense.

That’s All

Update

Again, another dead update.

Life’s very busy…

Take care.
Syd

What should be the topic of this ?

Long time… I haven’t write anything… and this cannot be included in writing.

So let it be. I am here. That’s it.

Take care.

Convincing her…

“Something getting in the way, something’s just about to break…” the song starts, and I am writing this blog. Just before doing that, before starting this blog, I went through the many other blogs that were left undone and categorized as draft. There are so many thin tgs that would’ve changed my writing style. There are so many things that changed my writing style. I don’t know why am I writing all this. I don’t want anyone to read, then why should I post it ?

There were times when I was happy, but then the definition of happiness varies from person to person. My definition of happiness: A feeling still undefined to me and by me. Had I been able to define happiness, I would’ve done something to achieve it. Or maybe I am doing something to define it.

Life, now, has no meaning. Just the other night I was talking to God, asking him to reveal me the purpose of my life. “Talking to God”, this should be the title of this blog. Day before yesterday I watched the movie The Aviator and I realized that Howard Hughes was gifted in many ways, though he suffered a lot for being gifted, but still his achievements were brilliant. The Hercules and all the other crafts that Hughes delivered and didn’t deliver were remarkable. For once, though I have seen that movie many times now, I realized that just like Howard, I made some commitments to myself too. Not the once like he made but something like it. Those commitments can be called a child’s wishlist. But why would a three or four years old child likes a BMW on the first sight. What does he know of luxury and vehicles? What did I know of it? Why would I commit to myself that one day someday I will buy my own luxury sedan. I guess I was unrealistic  or perfectionist from the beginning. People often call me idealist, I think both are same for me. The point in life where I am right now, I am far away from affording a new cellphone, let alone any car of that stature. But then what did I get from being honest to myself? I love my work although now I have truly realized why my VP called my field of work as a Thankless Job.

Anyways, I am still in office, there is still a lot of work pending but I alone cannot do it, so here I am writing this blog convincing myself that I am utilizing my time. “Where goes the honesty for your work?” A part of me asked me. The other part of me and I know that this blog has an honesty to my work but me and my that other part cannot define how. I guess that I am divided and this whole blog is the result of this division. Whatever me and my division are saying and talking to each other comes up in this blog. God please have mercy.

A friend of mine once said to me that I think too much. It was back in year 2004. I negated her and asked how do I think too much and what made her think that about me? She said that “you never take quick decision, you are not happy with your life or anything in it.” I said “OK so what? everybody thinks and thinks too much.” She said “no, if you weren’t thinking too much, you would’ve made quick decisions and be happy for what you have rather than thinking of what you didn’t have.” I somewhat agreed to her, because back then I wasn’t divided and I didn’t talked to myself much, so I said to her that I always see the glass half empty. She said “see! you are not happy with the glass being half full.” I asked her “do you have a cellphone?” She said that she has a cellphone. I asked her “do you have an internet connection at home?” She said I just took a shower and came online. I asked her “do you have a laptop?” She said no. I asked her out of these three things what will you buy? A new cellphone, a new internet connection or a laptop? She said that she’ll buy a laptop. I asked her how is it that you don’t see the glass half empty? She said that “I know that I don’t see the glass half empty because I don’t want a laptop.” Maybe she was right or I wasn’t in mood of thinking and convincing her on my statement that I am happy and the glass is always half empty, so I ended the topic by simply agreeing to her.

Just now I messaged Srvr asking him if he’s still in the office cause he’s not online on Google Talk. His message came confirming that he is still at work. Anyways that’s it for this blog. I have to change the title of this blog cause this is not talking to God.

A ride back to hell again

I’m visiting my hell again.

No. not by choice, there is no choice, there are no choices when it comes to miseries and tortured memories.

God please help me, show me my purpose in life. I am tired. God please. I don’t know how to ask for your mercy, I am incapable of wishing, please give me relief, please grant me contentment. The fire that burns within… please have mercy.

There has to be an end to this pointless craving for God’s mercy. There should be some answers. I have asked God too many questions, yet I’ve returned empty-handed.

Though its been two year now, the pain… seems like yesterday, may be today… couple of hours ago. The agony, the anger, the frustration, the hopelessness, I stand outside God’s will… grinning, empty-handed.

The breath… it gets warm, the heart… it gets heavy. The silence… it can be heard.

I light another cigarette, I still hope, I still pray : God please have mercy on me, come and hold me.

Poem she wrote

Zubia Jamil says:
i guess that’s life
you love
you learn
and if you DON’T learn
you love again

MW Continues…

I was wondering after all said and done in MW Cuba, what will be the next stop? Just thinking loud, I think it should be somewhere in Southeast Asia like Vietnam or Japan.

Anyways, that’s for Zynga to think about.

I have reached level 253 and one of my mafia member is around 730. It will take me around half a year to reach that level considering I accomplish two levels everyday. I’m stuck in NY Boss lvl 2, those Illegal Transaction Records and Blackmail Photos are driving me crazy, its so frustrating, I need 167 BMPs and I’ve only got 7, and for BMPs I need to have Concealable Camera, which doesn’t come alone, the cellphone and computer setup is part of it. Even I’ve wish list those items but its not helping.
That’s All.

Me, me and more me, with my loneliness

“This could get messy… and I don’t seem to mind…

You asked how my day was…

… and don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are…

You are so much braver than I give you credit for…

Head over feet…”

Yep she’s Alanis… nice songs, vibrant artist.

I was, in fact, am busy in lot of things, though this loneliness stands strong. I don’t know why but now I like it the most… the silence so loud, I am it, I am the nothingness. If this feeling could only be expressed in words, I would have given my life to create such a masterpiece. But if it cannot, I will still try to do so, try to write it out, not for anyone to read, but for myself.

That’s All.

Mafia Wars – Need more

Guys, I need mafia members. Those who are interested to join my mafia or want me to join theirs, add me here facebook.com/atif.syd

My stats as of today is listed below:

Title: El Patron Principal

Level: 214

Mafia Members: 89

Number of Achievements: 27

Looking forward to your invitation and that’s a lot of desperation.

Ta.

-Atif / R34P3R / Syd

Long live the King of Pop

So I came back to Karachi and saw this news on the TV. There was no point in denying the fact, what was more challenging was to live the shocking moment.

Michael Jackson was with me when my dad bought me the first ever CD of my life back in 1993, when we bought our first Philips CD Player and two of MJ’s albums , “Bad” and “Dangerous”. With these CDs I came to know about a new media and a new music. Maybe my first English artists. I remember humming “ABC … 123″ from the oldest of my memories. Anyways, in 1995 I bought “HIStory: Past, Present and Future Book I”, the booklet and Two CDs, I liked many songs in that album. Then came “Blood on the Dance Floor” in 1997. It wasn’t as good as it should’ve been yet the first five songs topped my favourite list. In 2001, August to be exact I was surfing the TV channels that I came across a man who looked like MJ, I concentrated and found out that it really was Michael Jackson with Chris Rock in You Rock My World from the album “Invincible”. I was eager to see the name of the album to buy it at once whenever it releases in Abu Dhabi. The album released there on Sept 14 2001 and I bought it on the very first day of its release, in fact, I’ve bought two of his album on the day of its release, History and Invincible.

Michael Jackson songs comforted me in many of my miseries, his words and lyrics somehow related to me in one way or another. I guess his songs relates to every other person, cuz we might not be a Legend or Icon like him but he was a human like us.

The song I listened to hours and hours are

• Thriller
• Beat It
• Billie Jeans
• Bad
• The Way You Make Me Feel
• I Just Can’t Stop Loving You
• Man in the Mirror
• Dirty Diana
• Smooth Criminal
• Leave Me Alone
• Jam
• Black or White
• In the Closet
• Remember the Time
• Heal the World
• Who Is It?
• Give Into Me
• Will You Be There
• Dangerous
• Scream
• They Don’t Really Care About Us
• Stranger in Moscow
• Earth Song
• Childhood (you can see my artwork of Childhood here )
• You are not Alone
• Tabloid Junkie
• Blood on the Dance Floor
• Morphine
• Ghost
• Is It Scary
• HIStory Remix
• You Rock My World
• Speechless
• and many more…

Here’s some word that Michael wrote:

“In Our Darkest Hour

In My Deepest Despair

Will You Still Care?

Will You Be There?

In My Trials

And My tribulations

Through Our Doubt

And Frustrations

In My Violence

In My Turbulence

Through My Fear

And My Confession

In My Anguish And My Pain

Through My Joy And My Sorrow

In The Promise Of

Another Tomorrow

I’ll Ne’er Let You Part

For You’re Always In My Heart”

Love you Micheal.

Sad and Depressed

Since September 2005 I’ve been listening to this depressing, gloomy yet inspiring score from Schindler’s List, yes, the Theme from the movie by John Williams. You get to hear this theme at the very end of the movie when the Schindler’s Jews are putting stone on his grave as a gratitude. This theme has sided me many times in the dark hours of depression when the haunting memories played their villainous role. I have my own hell to live in, who doesn’t and who cares?

I wish I could write, if only, somehow my words changed the feelings of the readers into what I have felt, what I am feeling right now. I wish she was here with me when I wrote all this wishing she was here with me.

Alone as we may be, life goes on. This statement “Life goes on” shows the stubbornness of life.

Why?

Why does life has to go on? Why isn’t there any stopping to this pointless moving on?

If only I could refuse to exist.

That’s all. Another failure to write what I feel.

Let me tell you…

One thing… I don’t know why?

I am in the office, didn’t go to Trakker, though there is a lot of work for me to do there, I guess I’ve lost that work feeling. Lost the love feeling long ago.

I am updating this blog to tell myself that I am alive. And when I write I feel so.

Its the down time for me at the moment. Something exceptionally good needs to happen or I’ll fall deep into grief and the feeling will become even stronger.

The attitude of people towards me seems strange these days, I don’t like it, though it is good in general but I specifically don’t like it.

God please help me. I don’t know what I am doing or trying to do. Give me a direction like you gave me once before. I need it.

The dynamics of life has become static.

I really need to do things.

Again, God help me please.

Am out.

Thanking God

God I want to thank you for everything you gave me and didn’t gave me. Please accept and acknowledge my gratitude. I can’t find any other way to thank you.

Yes, I am really thankful to Him.

“And then which of my Lord’s favor will I deny”.

I never had a privilege of holding my loved one. I am in no mood of explaining the depth of love I was in with her but this that I never prayed, I was not a practicing Muslim until she came into my life. The love she gave me made me feel the presence of God. I became a practising Muslim, I prayed because I wanted to tell Him that I see Him in her, I prayed to thank Him for reflecting His mercy through her. But yet after all said and done, He didn’t gave me the privilege of spending my whole life with her and I want to thank Him for that as well. One of my friend once said to me “Jisay pooja jata hai, usay chu’aa nahi jata” that is “You don’t touch the one you worship”. So I never got to touch her. By touching I am referring to making love with her after marriage of course.

I know what I trying to say but I cannot explain it here in words.

Anyways,

“

Happy birthday chanda

That’s All

What are we ?

Strange isn’t it ? The overall outlook of life, its really strange.

Today my junior colleague got robbed outside his house… notebook, ATM, Wallet, Cell, everything… God please have mercy… if not on us than because you are merciful…

I got my GPRS activated on my cell phone, Warid is good, though the GPRS service is lazy but yet I enjoy my sense of complete technological mobility by connecting my cell phone with the laptop and surf whatever I want from Facebook to Gisele’s Victoria Secret pics.

Right now, I’m in the office and I have nothing to do. Mafia Wars is on waiting since it’ll seven hours to completely replenish the energy. I am thinking of globally inviting people to join my mafia, yes that’s what I’m going to do next.

There are so many drafts in my Oracle blog… I am unable to post them because I think there is a lot to add on those topics and I want my blog to be a complete source of Oracle knowledge.

Her memories keep coming back to me, I don’t know how and when will I let go of her and her memories.

God please have mercy, if not for me than because you are merciful.

That’s All

Loneliness

Here in office… hopelessly looking at the reloading bullet chamber on Mafia War’s screen… got nothing to do…

Mafia wars as I said before is an addictive facebook application….

I don’t know why but sometimes my life feels worthless… the same old pessimism…

I’ve to move on to the Oracle Supply Chain, and my team lead, Haris, has asked me to prepare myself for OCP…

I’m badly diseased nowadays… I look like the demon from Exhorcist…

God please help me…

Mafia Wars Update

OK, I badly need money… can’t get to increase my per hour income from $67,800 for the last two days.

My stats goes like…

Health: 120/120

Energy: 28/50

Stamina: 11/11

Money @ Bank: $3,452,724.00

My level is 16

and Enforcer has this new things with liquors, cards and telephone…

and lots of cars and weapons…

I’ve got no Prime Downtown Lot let alone the Beachfront Property…

I badly need money… and this 3 mins waiting for a single energy when jobs require 30 takes hell lot of patience, which I don’t have…

Anybody help… please

Mafia Wars Addiction

Damn, I’m addicted to this Facebook application…

The jobs, the money, the levels, the boses and everything…

It’s a total addiction.

Right now my experience level is 12 and my per hour income is $70,220.

Let’s see what happens next

FreeCell 600

Scored 600 last night

That not all… I’m going to make it 1000 somday

Hate

It was yesterday… as if it was yesterday…

I hate memories…

Over and again…

And again…

I open this web page… and try to write…

and fail to do so… over and again and again…

I wish I could write… not that which I am writing at the moment in this blog…

but I wish I could write something more useful…

but then time has its affect…

and I fail over again

and again.

Bye.

FreeCell and Me :)

Finally I got my 500 wins in FreeCell

Last night I was busy working with my client’s mapping document, felt overworked and thought of playing the good old game.

Here is the screen shot of the win.

FreeCell High Score

That’s All

Bechari Khawateen 2: Rules by Men

I got this .pps back in 2005. A friend of mine forwarded it to me.

Yesterday I was going through my old emails, remembering old days and I came across this Fun thingy. Rule by Men.

Here it is

– RULES BY MEN –

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way
• Crying is blackmail
• Ask for what you want, let us be clear on this one:
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work!
  • JUST SAY IT!
• “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable to almost every question
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
• All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default setting.
  • Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  • We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything your wear is fine, Really
• You have enough clothes
• You have too many shoes
• I am in shape. Round is a shape

Thank you ladies for taking some time out and reading it. Gentlemen welcome to the club spread the laught to other men and education to their women.

—

Hmm…

So how you like it?

Take care

Talking to myself

Time Check: 2.09 AM

Syd: What am I doing?

Atif: I am waiting.

Syd: Waiting for what or whom?

Atif: I am waiting for Ahmed to come and pick me.

Syd: Ok, so your conveyence issue isn’t solved yet?

Atif: Had it been, I wouldn’t be here waiting or writing this blog

Syd: Sorry I asked

Atif: You should be

Syd: Anything else?

Atif: Else as in?

Syd: Anything else in life.

Atif: Nothing else in life and nothing else matters

Syd: Metallica

Atif: …

Syd: I mean the song “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica

Atif: yeah… so

Syd: Not in mood

Atif: never was before

Syd: Should I quit

Atif: as if you have any other choice

Syd: Yes, I have lots of choices.

Syd: I am not choice less like you

Atif: lucky you.

X-X

This happens when you have nothing to do.

Take care.

Am off

Night stay at office

Today… or right now… I am in the office and the time is 5.05 in the morning. Sarwar might’ve forgotten to pick me from Inbox.

I haven’t slept for like 48 hours now… and the new day is about to begin in about 3 hours.

I worked on my Oracle blog… and chatted with Aapoo…

I’ve only one smoke left and I am waiting for Dawood Centre’s gates to open as well as the khoka so that I can buy a new pack of smoke.

Also I’ve to wait for the peon to come and make me the morning tea. I desprately need tea at the moment.

Anyways.

Am off again…

So close no matter how far

That’s what I think… or may be it is a fact…

This is so god-damn hurting that we both are alike… remember the song “Neither of us can see” by Incubus…

“We both have brains

We both have eyes,

We both have pain,

We both have lies,

One in a same,

Two of a kind,

and neither of us can see”

The same goes for me and her.

Anyways,

Leave it… even if it hurts.

Am out.

Take Care

Damn those viruses

The hour is late… and I’ve no issues with that… I am a nomad anyways.

At Inbox at the moment, came here to get my laptop fixed. Yep. The client I am at has some serious virus problems. Who’s to blame? The client or the notebook’s vulnerability? Or is it my luck? I think technology and bad luck usually don’t go together. Why and How? Think it yourself… or as some say it “Food for Thought”.

I did nothing useful today; useful as in work. Just downloaded some anti-virus softwares to get my laptop clean but alas! the virus is still there. You know the autorun.inf bitch virus.

Listening to “Laree Chooti” at the moment. Me, Ahsan, Bilal Hyder and Imran Saeed in the development department. They are working on some project and me doing nothing… yes… for me writing my personal blog is equivalent to doing nothing. I wrote a topic on my professional blog. Now I’m out on professional too. You see, writing a professional blog and teaching something needs a good research, reduced misconceptions or close to accurate preaching of an absolute technology Oracle EBS is. I strive for perfection myself. I’m a virgo and it is almost the first or second attribute of virgoans; first or second one stated is that they are “analytical”. I believe it becuase I have both of them. No its not sweet-talking myself, fact is that I see things in Boolean. What is Boolean? In programming world Boolean is type of variable that can hold two type of values 1 or 0, True or False, High or Low, considering that, it hold one perfect value either True or False, either it is or it is not, boolean is a “perfect variable”; can you see the beauty of contradiction this term has perfect variable.

Memories…

“Reading her over and over again won’t bring her back to me.”

Thinking that I went to the office building stairs and lighted my cigarette. The memories… and the fading smoke… unlike each other. Anyways, I am in the office at the moment and its 00.54 in my notebook’s clock.  Tomorrow’s off and I have no idea what will I do.

A service request is in process on severity 1. It is a major issue which has become a show stopper for whole project. Though I feel I’ve acheived much yet I haven’t met my ideal standards. I don’t know how much more I’ve to go through to be the man she once wanted me to be. She didn’t gave her perception of this man but yet she insisted that she will keep asking me the things until I am the man she wants me be. As I said before, memories.

Shamail just called. We’re leaving.

Take Care.

Allah Hafiz

Uneven Holidays 2

I hate holiday… and uneven holidays even more….

Tomorrow is the god damn holiday… now look at this fucking schedule:

Thursday – OFF

Friday – ON

Saturday- OFF

Sunday – OFF

Saturdays and Sundays are off that is not a problem but this shit Thursday makes no sense.

What the fuck ?

Hope and Pain

Why am I honest?

Am I honest?

Is this honesty? or mere stupidity?

Why am I sincere?

Why can’t I control? What’s the reason?

Why do I try to do everything? Why can’t I wait? When she has left me with nothing but a wait? I wish I could change it all over again. Now that I can’t; why can’t I live with it? Why can’t I accept the fact? I am not that weak. I know I am not that weak.

I don’t know where to go and what to do and let this pain off me?

What love gave me in return…

People who know me personally, often ask me that what has your love gave you in return? Apparently, I lost her. Fact is I am a total loser in a love story. She never accepted that it was love. Yet she was unknowingly and unwillingly; makes her innocent; was able to make me fall in love with her. I lost, I was a total damaged good.

She was not there; she was not supposed to be there, whatever, my story ended up with tears.  Here is what her love gave me in return:

• It gave me the ability to stay consistent.
• It gave me the ability to wait.
• It gave me the ability to hope.
• It gave me the ability to stay quiet.
• It gave me the ability to stare at sky.
• It gave me the ability to wait consistently.
• It gave me the ability to wait consistently while hoping.
• It gave me the ability to wait consistently while hoping quietly.
• It gave me the ability to stay consistent in my prayers for her.
• It gave me the ability to wait for God’s answer.
• It gave me the ability to hope for God’s mercy.
• It gave me the ability to stay quiet on God’s will.
• It gave me the ability to stare at skies while I wait, hope, pray, and stay quiet.

This is not all.

But that’s all for now.

Take Care.

Keep Writing.

FreeCell and Me 2

Here is my another session of freecell… and last night I managed to continuously win 26 games in a row…

I could’ve continued to add to the record but then I felt sleepy and decided to close the game.

Yesterday I also came across 3 games that were arranged neatly. Just one move away from win.

and this one

and the last one

I think the last one the neatest

Anyways, that’s me and my emptiness.

Take Care.

Keep writing and keep playing and keep winning.

Why should I write?

What is it that compels me to write?

Is it her?

No. She’s out of my life.

Then what is it?

Will these riddle ever be solved?

I keep on hitting these keys, writing words, writing my thoughts…

FreeCell and Me

Last night I won 25 games in a row in one session:

Until I came across this game, which I lost

Anyways, that was me and my brain.

Deja Vu

I hate to admit but she keeps coming back to me… if not her then things associated with her…

I hate this ability of human being to associate another with something…

Right now I’m at work… fact of matter… I don’t have an internet connection at home so whenever you see me, it means that I am at work or at a friend who has a net connection… mostly it will be At Work because I don’t visit friends often.

Anyways,

I’ve to update my Oracle EBS blog as well. So I’m out here.

Take Care.

Allah Hafiz

Oh yes.. keep writing.

SR raised to severity 1

Today, or make it yesterday i.e. on 23 Jan, Me and Atif Wasi, our Application DBA, had to upload the Oracle Assets data.

The problem what that the interface table was not showing the expense and location IDs?

It was about 22.00 and raising a service request at severity 1 was equvivalent to staying in the office for the whole night. But we decided to open the SR anyways.

The reply came saying that this issue does not qualify as severity 1.

We thought that the person assigned the SR is not in mood to work.

We kept on asking the question.

The issue came out to a standard functionality of Asset’s interface table and was solved with 30 mins.

Hehe…

We and out in ability to work with Oracle tables.

Accounting and Me: Dishonest to Myself

Today was amazing… amazingly hellish ordeal…

Yep that’s me… 5 Ft. 4 In. of walking contradiction…

I wish I was not that unfair to myself, but what can I do? Being honest and sincere to others “NOW” means unfair to oneself. Showing honest to your employer means that you are being dishonest to yourself. How and Why? That’s how: if you deliver, you meet the expectation of your employer. When you are up to the expected mark, you are asked to deliver another milestone, when you deliver that milestone as well, then the expectation of your employer gets higher. After delivering two milestones, you also get the taste of success and you try to enhance your ability to deliver in a tight situation and inhuman deadline. God’s grace plays its role and you emerge victorious. Now you are team player and maverick sort of a person. Where is the dishonesty to thyself part? The thing is that if you are not an “ACCOUNTANT” and you’ve never enrolled in any of the accounting courses offered during your bachelors and you somehow become a Functional Consultant of Oracle Financials… yes “FINANCIALS” then you’ve to not only learn the huge and gigantic application itself but you also have to learn the accounting concepts. Saying accounting concept doesn’t end it here, I am saying “ACCOUNTING CONCEPTS”… yes… “CONCEPT” is something abstract, Accounting is something CONCRETE and cannot be categorized as a concept. So you are not learning the concept, you are learning something that relates to the Revenues and Expenses and inturn you are learning something that involves “MONEY”. When something involves money gets itself to the highest priority in the 60-Years of human life. Yes Assets also have a life but that’s ususaly not more then 10-years… I’m not talking about Land and Building Assets… Human life that spans 60 years and have a high priority of MONEY…

I’ve to leave now… I’ll complete it someday later

Still trying to find my place in the diary of Jane. My Jane, not the one mentioned in the Benjamin’s song.

Good Ol’ days

Met Raffat today… yep just about 5 mins ago he left.

What’s so amazing about it ?

Yes… the thing is that I was smoking downstairs… outside the McD… and a car came and stopped by… it was Raffat…

We sat… we talked old times… and thats it…

Good ol’ day and recalling them…

That’s All

Nothing

Aaahh… hate this hour of untamed loneliness and failures…

Oracle Application and this client is driving me nuts…

Facebook sucks too…

What the…

Bechari Khawateen 1: New Element

This is hilarious. I got this mail from a friend. I don’t know to whom the credit goes but still this is so goddamn hilarious.

Here it goes:

–

A new element has to be added in the periodic table.
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam Eden Warden
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.3 Kg

Isotopes: vary from 35 – 200 Kg
Occurrence: copious quantity in all urban and rural areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film.
2. Boils at room temperature.
3. Freezes without any known reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used.
6. Sweeter under certain conditions.
7. Found in various states, ranging from metals to common ore.
8. Ductile if molded properly.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for metals like gold, silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode without prior warning and for unknown reason(s).
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
4. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to mankind.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental, especially in bikes and cars.
2. Can be a great aid for relaxation but over dosage may cause mental instability.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

AVAILABILITY

1. Available in wide different forms and varieties.
2. Can be easily seen in areas having thin painted films, Gold, Silver and precious stone.

POTENTIAL HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come in contact with each other.
3. !!!WARNING!!!PROLONGED EXPOSURE TOTHIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE HAEMONAGE AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS

That’s my luck…

Although nothing much to complain about but still..

The picture you see below is a lost game of minesweeper. Who was the loser… of course it was me…

Can anyone tell how was I suppose to know under which grid was the mine? How the hell was I suppose to know ?

That’s why I am a pessimist and I am proud of it.

Coffee, Me and Oracle Cash Management

McD’s coffee and a pin drop silence in office… ideal situation to work when you are dealing with Oracle Applications

Yep that’s me, in the office with no on else and I’m having McDonalds’ coffee while working on Oracle Cash Management and now updating this bit of my life.

The problem I am facing right now is that NIB has paid interest to Trakker, this transaction is recorded by Cash Management through bank statement, a miscellaneous receipt is also created, accounted in Oracle Receivables but yet this balance is unavailable in Oracle General Ledger?

It’s been more than 2 hours now and I am still trying to find the bloody 2,295,493.00 worth of interest paid by NIB to Trakker in my preparation for 14th Jan session.

Yeah yeah I know.

I might be missing something, but you see after putting so much effort in finding how Oracle Apps does the transaction of Interest and Bank Charges, I am feeling bit relaxed and confident for the training session.

Because the only thing that Finance Heads wants to know is about the bank charged and paid. Basically it’s all about the money.

As Jerry said “Show me the money”.

But for me it’s “In the jungle you must wait, till the dice reads 8 or 88″…

OK smarthole you think I don’t remember that its 5 or 8. You aren’t the only one who saw Jumanji.

Anyways, *sigh*

Where is the damn interest? Where is it?

Don’t worry Atif. He will find it Who is never lost.

I am talking about God. He has helped all the way, He will help me all the way.

Take care again…

Keep writing…

Keep reading… *this is a new one*

God be with you always.

Uneven Holidays

I hate these uneven holidays… like Monday Tuesday on… Wednesday Thursday off… Friday on and then Saturday Sunday off… What the fuck? The whole routine gets messed up.

And especially when you are allergic to your home and these shit holidays shows up.

Let me ask the people who like holidays that why the hell does you people like holidays? what is it in there not coming to office?

Call me a psycho but there is nothing compared to the moment of achievement.

No.. not monetary achievement but something intangible. I like materialism but I am not a materialist. There is a difference between knowing a path and walking a path.

Anyways.

It’s almost 22.00 and I am in the office, I’ve got lot of work to do, have to conduct the UAT session of Oracle Cash Management. Though people think that it is the easiest module of Oracle Financials but then again it is easy when you know how it works on what input. Right now the main issue for me in this module is the Cash Positioning, Cash Forecasting and Bank Interests.

I hope I get through it. The session is due on 14-Jan

That’s All.

Take care… gotta go back to work.

Hopeless

So never mind the darkness… I can still find a way…

Nothing lasts forever… even cold December Rain…

Hate

A heart as Hard as Gold

Simple love this statement, yep, from the Metallica’s song King Nothing.

I wish God had made me heartless.

Everybody is…

Fact A: There is a limit to everything.

Now a question comes in that “is there a limit of bearing the pain?”

Let’s assume…

OK no assumptions, I’ll only talk on facts.

We cannot categorized “bearing any emotion” as a thing. But in literature we can say that “Bearing any emotion is a human thing”.

Fact B: Bearing any emotion is a human thing.

Now fact A and B wholly states that there is a limit to everything and bearing any emotion is a human thing.

Conclusion A: Bearing any emotion has a limit.

Fact C: Pain is a human emotion

From conclusion A and Fact C we get another fact D: Bearing the pain has a limit.

From fact D question comes in that what is my limit of bearing the pain or in other words how much emotional strength do I have?

Since human emotional has no unit of measure which we can call a fact E, then my question remains unanswered. It is not contradicting because there is a limit but it’s has no unit of measure or it cannot be calculated. This adds to the pain that I asked a Question with no answer.

Having said that, another Question comes in; why are my questions unanswerable?

Logically there can be two answers of my above question: either I am way too stupid or I am way too genius.

Since I am a pessimist, so the glass is always half empty to me. I’ll opt for the first option that I am way too stupid. Now this adds more pain.

Having said that, another Question comes in; why am I way too stupid to ask unanswerable question?

This leads me into a recursive loop.

In order to get out of this loop, I try to get help and perspective of the outside world.

Since I am not an extrovert person I only seek help from people I know and feel closer to me. Mostly they are friends.

When I ask my friend “am I stupid?” They start counting and referring to the aspects they feel I am better than them. When I ponder on those aspects I find it lame that those which are my not-stupid aspects can be anyone else’s aspect. I mean whatever my friends tell me can be in anyone; a person with an agreeable schooling can have those aspects.

Now if everyone has those aspects, then everyone is as stupid as I am.

Everyone is At least as stupid as I am. Let’s not make that too hard on me.

Oracle and Human reactions

Tomorrow I’ve to attend an internal training on “How to handle difficult client?”

It seems more like a psychology topic than a consulting topic. For me, the client is never difficult. We say a client is difficult when the person you are dealing with has issue with what you are doing for his organization. What we do? We implement an ERP application made by Oracle Corporation. The application’s name is E-Business Suite. It is huge or rather gigantic ERP application, containing more then 100 modules.

We only implement 12 or 13 modules out 100 or so. Now the thing to understand here is that Oracle EBS is not just a software, it is more of a process and professional behavior, when we implement Oracle EBS we are only changing the 20% of the software and 80% or process and human behaviors. This is where the clients get difficult. When we ask the Vice President of a company to change his process, he feels losing the control he has on the organization, and then he creates nitty gritty issues thereby making it difficult for us to properly implement the process in accordance to the software.

They want the association with the brand, but they don’t want to follow the best and standard practice. Pity. Spending millions and gaining cents and paisas.

Anyways,

I’m feeling some what comfortable moving in the city with getting my shoes all muddy since the rain water dried out on streets and sun’s shining.

That’s all.

Sunday Night Out

Last night we went to Arena and then to Pizza Hut.

We are Me, TP, CJ, Lamba, Sarwar, Rahil, Shoaib, Boss, Faeza and Atif.

I scored 89 in bowling, TP scored 54, CJ 91, Lamba 87 and Rahil scored 102. Others were on the different lane so I don’t know their scores.

It was some what fun because I got a strike on the very first bowl

That’s all.

Help

Please God help me…

Please God have mercy on me…

Please God…

Back after Eid-Ul-Adha

December 05, 2008, Friday: I left office with CJ at around 21.30. His a year old niece was having some problem with diapers and rashes so he had to buy a cream, rashnil something if I remember correctly. He accidently took the main Tariq Road, why accidentally? Because we were welcomed by a huge traffic jam. Why traffic jam? Because it was the “Eid” season and that’s the only 11th hour shopping place in the middle of the city. Adding to the bumper-to-bumper ride was raining, yep, it was raining and good enough to completely blur the windscreen especially when the car’s wipers are not working. CJ had to get out and manually maneuver the wipers to clean the windscreen. We were totally stuck because there was no cut on the right side to farther possible way and we couldn’t just change the lane to left so that instead of buying the medicine from elsewhere we could’ve bought it from Mothercare, the only shop with such kind of kiddy stuff. The helplessness was enjoyable with Lamb of God playing in the car, though CJ was totally scolded Murphy and his shit law. By the time we crawled our way from Main Allahwala Chorangi to Mothercare shop, the rain had stopped but still there was no cut. We passed by Mothercare and found a U-turn at about half a kilometer. CJ took the turn and speeding back to the parallel of the shop; he parked the car and bought the cream. Getting out of the jam and buying what he wanted; CJ decided to have a cup of coffee at Costa. We went to Costa and there we changed our plan. Instead of having just a coffee, we as well ordered the sandwiches. That was all for that day.

December 06, 2008, Saturday: Nothing much noticeable happened.

December 07, 2008, Sunday: Again nothing much noticeable happened.

December 08, 2008, Monday: Nothing

December 09, 2008, Tuesday: Eid-Ul-Adha. I woke up in the evening at around 18.30. Yes, I slept the whole day, didn’t go for the prayers, didn’t meet anyone, and didn’t greet anyone. Just me and my slumber.

December 10, 2008, Wednesday: I decided to change the pattern of spending this day of Eid, and I went to my uncle.

See! this is how my life sucks. I admit I am the privileged one but still. I feel the pain and it’s my pain.

Die

Author’s log. Dec 04 2008, 13.20.

I think and think and think again but can’t think of anything to write.

Again why should I write? What’s the need?

I’ve got no clue whatsoever.

I hate it… I hate it all…

God burn it… God burn it all…

Die.

Friday Night Out

I This friday we spent the whole night at Shamail’s place. Playing Uno. Yep. Uno, the card game with colors and number and skips and draw fours. We were seven people and it was fun. Though not our regular way of spending our time but still it was fun.

Me, Shamail, Lamba, Sarwar, Rehan, Ateeq bhai and his counsin. I won the game two times.

Returned home at around 6.30 in the morning. It was Saturday morning.

Movies I watched in Last two days

1. Quantum of Solace
2. Liar Liar
3. Hell Boy 1
4. Hell Boy and the Golden Army

I liked the continuation of Vesper in Quantum of Solace, but the new Bond Girl was not exactly what a Bond Girl is. Hell Boy II, as we can call it, was fine.

The city is in chaos again, but then again, this chaos is half yearly routine.

Gotta go now.

Take Care.

Dull day at Office

Here in the office, working on implementation of Oracle Assets for Trakker Direct Insurance. Fixed Asset’s accounting is interesting. I like it. All the Straight Line and Declining Balance depreciation methods.

Today was a dull day, I’ve become lazy and its almost a week now that I’m getting late for office. Today I came at around 13.00.

Shamail called to tell that he’ll be going to The Forum and he’ll pick me on his return from there.

Listening to Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin. This song has reached the play count 375 on my iPod

I still want the Requiem for a Dream theme from Shamail.

Last night I watched Hancock and I like the part where Charlize says “Technically he is my husband”. Amazing twist in the movie.

Anyways,

I have to update my Oracle EBS R12 blog.

I have lot of other things to do.

Take Care.

My wrist watch

Just now I looked at my wrist watch and it’s worn out leather strap. This watch is with me for the last 9 years; my dad gifted it to me on 21-Sep-1999. No it wasn’t my birthday. It was just father’s love.

Anyways, I was saying that this strap is broken.

It’s amazing how these non-living things stays with you for years and years unlike living things.

Take Care.

Keep writing.

Keep praying.

God be with you.

Me a playboy !?!

LOLzzz… my cousin in Germany thinks that I’m a playboy

Now that’s something new for me…

I’ve heard people calling me Rude and Proud and Egoistic but Playboy is definately the first time.

In my field of paper flowers

Again I sit pointless in front of my laptop’s bright screen as the dark room surrounds me and blurs my thoughts of her. Yes I still think about her, like a routine morning walk. But if it’s over then it’s over.  I hope, I pray, I suffer as I think about her, like routine five time prayers offered to the One. But if it’s over then it’s over. Her memories are like a growing incurable disease and I’ve accepted the inevitable.

I wish that God come and sit by me as I think about her like a disabled child quietly looking at children in the playground, wishing he could join them someday. I wish that God didn’t have made me disable as He wrote this part of my life. I wish He sits by me as I look at her like an unable child looking at window of a toyshop wishing if only his parents buys him that new toy. But if it’s over then it’s over. I wish it never happened. I wish this emptiness never showed up in my life. I wish God could come and read all I have to say to Him. I wish my eyes never dried out as I looked up on Him. I wish, for once, I raise my hands with hopes as I lower myself in front of Him. I wish He responds for once, just once.

But if it’s over then it’s over. I would’ve been, she could’ve been, life might’ve been…

But if it’s over then it’s over. Here I am, quiet and silent as child unable to cry as he’s dragged away from his toy and is asked to sleep whatsoever. I am as helpless as a delicate glass that’s about to hit the damn floor. Yes I’m broken, shattered into pieces.

I am unable to accept the reality. I cannot deny the fact.

God please help me in these hours of darkness.

Cold, Gray & Gloomy

My eyes dried out with the hope of mercy from God. The weather here in Karachi is getting cold, doesn’t changes anything. My life was cold already when she left, everything was gray and gloomy. I still wait in hope that she might come back. But who am I trying to deceive? She’ll tie her knot one day or another. I don’t mind that, it’s ok; it’s her right to be happy and move on in life.

Now I’ve no one to turn to except You God. It’s You and Me now, one on one, up close and personal.

No, You never respond. How can it be?

Giving me pain isn’t responding? God I didn’t choose it. I never wanted anyone in my life.  I was happy with the pain You had already given me. My life wasn’t easy before, my life isn’t easy now God.

I’m just a human. What is that You can tell to make me think that it was nothing? Why did You respond when I prayed for her? Why didn’t You fulfill the promise You made when I asked for Your mercy? Yes my Lord, she was Your mercy for me. Didn’t You know that? You could’ve bought me and my faith and everything that You need from Your creation, if only…

If only You’d given me the mercy I longed for.

God please, I need answers, I need explanations, and it’s my right to know why? People say I’ve a gift from You, I write so well, is it because You had to give me the pain to express it? Is this what is nature’s balance? How can it be?

Why am I living questions only? Why can’t I live the answers?

Why is it cold? Why is it gray? Why is Gloomy?

Where are You?

As I burn another page

Oh yes.. the associations… burn them…

Burn it all and watch it fade away…

At least that’s what I try to do… though I fail but still I try my best…

Who can burn the memories… can anyone of you ?

Right now listening to “You could be mine” by GN’R.

Here in office, I’ve got nothing to do… for the first time I guess…

Am off…

Take care.

Firday Night Out

On last Friday night i.e. 21 November 2008, my friends decided to go to Arena, ‘We’ as in CJ and Lamba. CJ called me and we two went to Arena, we reached there after 1.00 and it was closed. We called Lamba who was not with us but in the vicinity, to tell that Arena is not an option. He was clueless himself. So we called Sarwar and asked him to check on Area 51.

We went to Faisal Base to pick Lamba and his cousin Ateeq. Sarwar called in and said that Area 51 is closed too.

Shamail decided to just sit at Boat Basin and have dinner. We all went to Boat Basin and had dinner. There we decided to play Counter-Strike.

It was 3.00 in morning and we were brainstroming which gaming zone will be available. I suggested the Playdium near Red Apple.

We went there and it was closed but one of the pan wala said that there is another gaming zone near by which is 24 hours. We went there, bought 2 hours each and decided the team.

Terrorists: Me (R34P3R), Sarwar (Saving Private Sarwar) and Fawad (Faddy)

Counter Terrorists: Samail (CuteJerk), Umer (eoL_Lamba) and Ateeq (Solid Snake)

We played 3 maps fy_snow, minidust2_usp and fy_minidust2.

The game was all in all balanced. Sometime CT won and other times T.

Came back home at 6.30.

That was the night out.

Take Care.

Keep Writing.

May God be with you.

Am I ?

What if I say I’m not OK? You’ll agree with me. Even if you don’t, it was more of agreeing to my disability rather than questioning it.

“I’ve got your photograph and I know it serves me well” – Seether’s Broken

Yeah I have her photograph and yes I’m living by looking at it. But does she know that?

No. She doesn’t.

Coming back from her thoughts that always strolls around me; I’ve got work to do

This sentence is becoming my trademark “I’ve got work to do”.

I’ve to get out this phobia. I’m becoming workaholic.

“The world was on fire and no one can save me but you” – Chris Isaac’s Wicked Games. But I like the one covered by HIM.

Gentleladies and Men. Sorry, Ladies and Gentleman I am not drunk. Seriously. I can count my fingers. I am walking straight… to hell.

The lines on my palms are growing thicker, prominent and intermingled. I don’t know whatever that means in Palmistry.

OK amigos, me goes.

Take Care.

Keep writing and don’t think too much.

Nothing

I wouldn’t call it a blog entry.

Cause its not.

I am just writing whatever is coming in to my mind.

Anyways.

Me leaving.

~Atif

My new so called novel

Last night I started writing a my real life scenario using different characters.

I don’t know how but I just kept writing and writing.

After like four hours or so, I reviewed what I wrote and realized that it is something unusual. I’ve written something different. At least I liked it.

The characters I used, their backgrounds, the story, the reference. It was all good.

So I decided that I’ll be writing my story on two characters:

Syd: The hero. No this is not me obviously. I am not a hero. This character might depicts me becuase I can only write with my own experience. I couldn’t think of any other name so I named the hero after my nick.

Beeya: The heroin. The character of this lady is composition of four other ladies. These ladies came into my life in different period. They made me feel attached to them at different levels and intensities. I’ll only take the scenes of my life and theirs and put Beeya into those scenes.

If list out these ladies and the era:

1. IZM (Aug 1995 – Jun 2001)
2. MA (Oct 2004 – Sep 2005)
3. RY (Sep 2006 – Oct 2008)
4. ZQ (Aug 2007 – till now)

IZ was my crush, MA was my friend, RY was the love of my life, I like ZQ professionally. So all these emotion will be played by Syd and  Beeya will make him feel all these attachments. I don’t know yet how its going to work. I don’t even know if this idea is good enough.

It’ll be going back to old memories.

“Memory” something that hurts if not tamed or may be it’s just me, who can’t get use to the spilled milk. But I’m going to write it anyways. I’m going to write it, I don’t know if I can really write my life but I’m going to try it.

The primary idea of this novel is going to be LOVE… or… it’s going to be UNSPOKEN LOVE. I’m going to name this novel ‘Beeya’. Yes the central character of this novel is going to be the heroin.

How do you like the name?

She is not in love with this guy, in fact, she cannot decide what is it that makes her to be with Syd.

No.

It sounds like “Girl, Interuptted”.

Let’s see what comes out of it.

Take care.

Testimonial she wrote

Shutting off both the ceiling fans of my drawing room, I lighted my cigarette, looked at my iPod and this song struck my mind “Wherever you will go” by The Calling, “If I could then I would go wherever you will go.” Switched on this song and started writing this blog. Right hand on the cigarette that rested on the ashtray, I inhaled another puff and back goes the cigarette to the ashtray. The song repeated. And with this word ‘repeat’ came into my mind a friend and the funny line I said to her: “As I said before I don’t repeat myself” this was my own line and I met someone who introduced me to my inner self and my ability to face any hardship this life has to offer me. The song repeats the third time. And I wished she was reading this as I was writing my heart out to make her realize that teach whatever she can but she cannot teach how not to miss a friend who teaches you anything at all. These might be the words I want to say to her “If I could then I would go wherever you will go”. And the song repeats the fourth time and I see her in my memories and those moments when she really showed me the light to live by forever. “if I could turn back time I go wherever you will go, if I could make you mine I go wherever you will go” and with this sudden urge to read those chat histories that made me feel like I am a new person, the songs repeats the fifth time and I opened the chat history in which she claimed twice that she luvd what I wrote. And reading it again and again her blurry image becomes strong enough to make me see that she was someone who looked right through my soul and asked me to keep writing. “if could I make her mine I’ll go wherever she’ll go” and then the song repeats itself the sixth time, “So lately, been wondering ….” And I opened another chat history in which she insists to change my orkut profile because it portrays something I am not and she would not want to come back to me after reading it, I argued that she knows me well enough to differentiate between me and my profile. She wanted to write me a testimonial but she wouldn’t with the dark stuff I had written there in my orkut profile. She kept insisting and I heard someone preaching me of the light, and I changed my profile saying that I am changing it but not for getting her testimonial but for someone who cares about me more than I do. The song repeats the seventh time and she excuses for writing my testimonial, I couldn’t stop myself talking to her and asked her that what is it that she is going to write in my testimonial and she angrily replied “parh lena jab likhoongi” and I had to shut myself but I couldn’t resist and fabricated that I wanted to write a testimonial for her but I didn’t because I don’t judge people in 2-3 months time. With this the song started the eight time and she doubted that it’s more than 3 months, I asked how much, she replied you added me on MSN in Ramadan which was in Oct-2004 and now its end of Feb-2005, so its 5 months now. and suddenly she asked me what is BC. I knew what it was, I kept thinking what to say and the song repeated itself the ninth time and I still kept thinking what to reply to her. Suddenly a stupid answer came to me and I said it’s “Before Christ” and she thanked God as if I almost escaped an accident. She showed her doubts about the abbreviation she assumed from BC and I totally negated her assumption and said that you are embarrassing me. She grinned and said “it’s OK confusion cleared.” With this the song started the tenth time. And I waited eagerly of what is she going to write about me after knowing each other for barely five months. “to watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days.” But before she could submit my testimonial, I completed mine and said that I have written your testimonial and accept it otherwise I won’t write it again. She got amazed and asked what I have written in such a short span. I said the same that read it and accept it and pasted her orkut profile URL in her chat window. She read it, accepted it and the song started the eleventh time. Her reply came “Anth, Bohat aala, meri pohanch se kafi uncha.” and with this the chorus of song took its pace “and if I could then I would go wherever you will go“. She was Immortal to me. She is immortal to me. She will never age for, nor die, nor fade away. She is she and I am Syd and we are friends. The song started the twelfth time and she asked for a break by saying that she’ll be right back. I said ok and took my chance to have a smoke. It takes me around five minutes to complete my smoke. I took no less than five minutes and came back to her but her status was the same “BRB”. I wrote back that she take more time than a smoke, her reply came, that I smoke my cigarette so fast and that she is not away for smoking, she is busy and will be with me shortly and with this the song started the thirteenth time.“I know now, just quiet how my life and love might still go on, in your heart, in your mind, I’ll stay with you for all the time” I innocently replied that when did I say that you are away for smoking, you can take all the time you need. She grinned again and said “Acha”. Waiting for her was like a hell unleashed. I still waited and after sometime I went to lunch changing my MSN status to “Out to Lunch”, she came back and on my away to lunch status MSN window she smiled and said “Acha jee acha, tou janab out to lunch hain?, chalo that makes me happy!” and with this the song started the fourteenth time. After this she said that she has almost completed my testimonial and by the time I’ll be back it will be ready for my acceptance. I came back and without replying anything to her, I logged on to Orkut and read what my friend had to say about me. And this is what she had to say and said on 22-Feb-2005:

“syd. Passionate, provocative, silent, mysterious, hopeful and hopeless and most of all … an absolute genius.

It is people like him who make people like us wonder if there is something really wrong with the universe.. but thanks be to Allah that Faith is still abundant. Even in him, Even though he doesn’t really like to admit it.

I see so much that is there in him; potential, brilliance, intensity, ego, enigmas, machoism and mush.. describing him in such a short space is impossible. His obsession bridges that gap between insanity and immortality and it is thinking in this way that keeps him on his toes all day long.

You’re still human, syd. You’re still human. It’s just simpler to let go.

Despite the fact that he can really tick me off sometimes, he’s a great friend to me, a wonderful thinker to share and sort out absurdities of the mind, a very good human being and insha’Allah wid my prayers will really find those answer one day. Peace to you, Atif. May Allah be with you always.“

And with this the song started the sixteenth time. “If I could then I would go wherever you will go, if I could turn back time I go wherever you will go”.

And with this the songs and this blog comes to an end.

Take care.

Keep writing.

Isn’t it True

I wrote this on last Saturday i.e. 8th November 2008

–

It’s more than three times now that I’ve erased what I wrote. Why? Because I can’t think of anything to write. Sometimes I think why the hell am I trying to do what I can’t. But then this thought is negated when I look at a paragraph complaining about I can’t write. I regrettably admit that I’m being stupid. Lying on my drawing room sofa and trying to adjust my hand on the laptop’s keyboard. Moving the laptop right and left, rotating it a bit, then looking at my two smallest finger if they are properly coming right on the alphabet A and L, I’m trying my best to fill out this MS word page.

Dad came back from Lahore bringing along moong phalis and some mithai, books for my sister and cloth pieces for the whole family. He’s trying his best to be a dad and a husband.

I read the whole blog entry of Vulet’s friend which was full of sadness, despair and our cultural norms of man being an asshole and woman being the innocent. Though in her case the man was an asshole and since she’s madly in love with him, she cannot accept this fact. And there’s nothing in this world that would comfort her. This is what happens when you’re broken in the only love of your life, everything will make no sense. Every love song will suck and every sad love song will map so perfectly that as if it was written and sung for you. You’ll be willing to do anything, anything at all to just get a glimpse of your loved one.

In my case, which obviously I haven’t discussed in this blog yet, there are many perspectives, to list out some:

• She was playing with you the whole time
• It’s your fault that you fell for such a girl
• She’s brought up in that culture, you should’ve been precautious
• You knew she love someone else why did you fell for her
• She treats everyone like she did to you
• She needed someone who listens
• She’s lived her life alone without parents, she just got attached to you, and you took her attachment in a wrong way
• Don’t lose a friend in wanting love. She can’t give you what you want.

So guys did you get the idea of what I am trying to tell you here?

If not then here it is in a nutshell, I felt deeply in love with my “FRIEND” who was a girl but didn’t become my “GIRLFRIEND”. And when I say deeply then, by God, believe me you have no idea of the depth I’m talking about here. Only God knows how many times He had to reject my request, my plea, and my offerings. I still cannot get how it can be that she wasn’t right for me. I am in a same situation where this Vulet’s friend was, the only difference is that I am a guy and no one come to see me for my rishtas etc. etc., and since I am only 25 I am NOT AT ALL bothered about being getting married and giving away my bachelor’s life. I loudly accept that I am… *thinking*… sorry… I am not but I will be a “jooru ka ghulam”…

*thinking again*…

yes no doubts about it but at the moment I am as free as any other guy or a bachelor who stares at any young female pedestrian passing and undresses her with those eyes and “dropping-her-to-the-home” looks. But I am not that type, I have my ego, I have my sanity. I respect every other person even if it’s a young female stranger wearing black lingerie under a thin, light colored, skin squishing tight shalwaar qameez.

Yes, I do look at them once because of

• my reflexes,
• identifying objects that’s coming in my way while I’m walking, yep I take people around me as objects, that’s why I get to hear a lot that I am a proud person (proud in a bad way), I am ignorant, I am always doped when I am walking anywhere, etc.

Other than this I don’t care about whose standing where, wearing what, doing why? I think Ignorance is the only respect those female species can get who are from the planet “look-at-me, LOOK-AT-ME”.

Coming back to my misery, I was telling that I felt “deeply” in love with my friend. She didn’t and we had to separate our ways. She insisted that I am her “the best friend” and she wants this best friend back, I on the other hand couldn’t look at her as a friend and only thing I saw in her was a broken promise, a fragile dream, an add-on to my failures’ list. So I asked her not to talk me in any case. She got annoyed and angry with me. I got ripped and tormented, doing something painful against my will. After a year or so I am over her. What is left of her is just scars on my memory, I erased everything that was associated with her but who can erase the memories. I still don’t go to the room where I used to talk to her every night. I don’t use that phone she used to call on. I stopped going to the malls she uses to go for her shopping. Tariq Road is one painful place to go. Why? Because she lives there. Going to that place gives me an intentional hope that I might see her, she might have passed from this place, and she must have shopped from some of these stores. I

–

Take care… I mean it.

God be with you. I mean it even more.

Counter-Strike :)

Here are some screenshots from I round I played yesterday against bots in Counter-Strike 1.6.

There were three bots against me, that is, 3 computer players against one inhuman player

I am the Terrorist. Nickname AL3554NDR4.AMBR0SI0|R34P3R|. For those who can’t read my nick and/or doesn’t know leet-speak, my nick is Alessandra.Ambrosio |Reaper|

Computer Players were Dave, Troy and Wayne

That’s my view of Wayne from sniper scope

That’s when I shot down Wayne. You can see my nick on upper right corner in Red.

That’s poor Troy, right on target.

That’s Troy dead body about to hit the ground, I am out of sniper mode and reloading my weapon for the last man standing

Again back to sniper mode for confirming two bots casualties.

That was the last one Dave. Can you see his blood spilling and the bullet’s shell.

That’s All

Nothing on Sunday

I wrote this post yesterday.

–

It’s Sunday and I woke up at 16.20 or so, when I dimly started hearing my mother’s heavenly voice scolding me on sleeping late at night and waking up late in the morning or evening for that matter. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and combed my hair and came back to place where I was sleeping i.e. the old drawing room settee. I don’t remember asking ma for the breakfast but when I came the tea and buttered toast were right beside my notebook.

Keeping aside the hot tea that almost burnt my tongue on the very first sip; I pushed up the laptop lid and started a new word document to write this blog. But before I start to write something I saw the Sundays’ Dawn. On Sundays’ dawn what I like to see the most are the jobs posted in Careers and the ads in Images.

It’s the overall look of our media industry, the movies, the music, the advertising, but for last I don’t know how many week all the stuff you get to read in Images is the about fashion shows and all the strange looking female dressed up in even strange dresses. It is so stupid of the editor who is trying to portray “some” image of our media industry. Let me tell them that our media industry SUCKS. You guys can only be horny but can never be passionate. Take all your goddamn stupid Punjabi movies, those fat mamas stomping the ground and the hero trying to run away from them with the angry look on their faces. Punjabi movies are disgust in the name of love, revenge, music and dance. No I am not James Cameron or Baz Luhrmann nor I am Sanjay Leela Bhansali but neither are any of our directors.

Sad as I may be these Pakistani people don’t even know how to portrait love, how to portrait revenge!

As far as career is concerned all you see is Pharmaceuticals, Oil & Gas and Networking. Where is ERP? Where is Software Development? Ok here is a fact to admit, the IT industry is down with the overall global financial situation.

Anyways, enough of useless complaining. If God doesn’t listen let alone these mortals. But God is always up to something when one thinks that God doesn’t listen. What are these humans up to when they don’t bother listening to words of wisdom?

Take Care.

God be with you.

Music: A reason to stay silent

Yes it is. A reason to stay quiet. But then it’s just me and I like to stay quiet.

Metallica’s Unforgiven II playin’ and I feel like as if this song was written for me. Unforgiven III maps even more especially the chorus

“How can I blame you,

when it’s me I can’t forgive”

No Leaf Clover came up. Its chorus maps on me too…

“Then it comes to be that the soothing light at end of your tunnel

was just a freight train comin’ your way”

I think… or… I feel that God always creates a balance in your life. For every happiness there is always a sorrow waiting for you or if not then that happiness becomes a sorrow itself. At least this is what I’ve experienced. That is the reason why I’ve become a pessimist and skeptical to all the happiness coming towards me. On every step, in every decision I always look for the dark side. I can never be an optimist. God has willed it this way for me.

Anyways,

You can’t fight the tears that ain’t comin’ or the moments of truth in your life.

Yes it’s painful. It is painful for any human being, any gender of any age. A child deprived of his/her favourite toy will only end up making him/her cry and then ending up accepting the fact. So much for Maslow’s heirarchy.

I was reading Vulet’s blog and in her blog she mentioned another entry made by her friend in which she is feeling sad for her knot being untied by the one she thought was forever. Knot as in engagement. After reading some part of it I got the whole idea of what she was going to say. For a very short moment I felt sad for her and after that very short moment I said to her “no worries lady, this is how life is for everyone, you have to stand tall in flame, stand tall till it fades”. I said to her as I said it looking at her blog.

Moving on… I am moving on… though the pain gets harder everyday. I don’t want to commit suicide. I feel like God has planned my death by ownself. And everyday I ask Him “Please don’t do this to me, I don’t want to do it”. People say that its written in Quran that God only gives the load affordable by his creation. Obviously no one can argue with that.

Why have you forsaken me,

in your eyes,

forsaken me,

trust in my self righteous suicide

i cry when angels deserve to die

This is the song that broken hearted lady should be humming.

Anyways, Me off.

Take care.

Keep writing

God be with you.

Got Nothing

Last night I saw these movies:

1. King Kong
2. Final Destination 2
3. You, Me and Dupree
4. Angel-A

Anyways,

Right now in the office. Got nothing to do… no… I’m sorry, I’ve got work but I am not doing it.

I suppose I am out of this passion of working like donkey (say it like Shrek says it “Daunkey”)

I don’t know why? Maybe I’m out of incentives. But… I never work for incentive. I work for myself, me, I. Incentives are byproducts. People say that I’m verily underpaid. I should switch. But again, I am not confident enough to leave. I cannot lie and claim that I know the work I don’t.

Take Care… I am out.

Write What ?

Hmm… I don’t know what to write…

But I am willing to write anything at all, like this one… Anything.

Obama wins… nice, though I am not at all in politics, this was just to write something.

I can’t even think of anything to write on my professional blog.

Yeah, I am in office… its15.26 and I am having my evening tea.

That’s all I guess…

I don’t know what else to write.

Take care

Movies

Movies I watched in last two days:

1. The Interpreter
2. I Am Legend
3. Gattaca
4. Final Destination 3
5. The Painted Veil

I got up at 9.20 in the morning when Shamail called me asking that if I want to go to office with him. Obviously I had to so I asked him to spare me 20 mins since he was all ready to leave and I was in the bed. I hurried up, doing everything as fast as I can, even skipping breakfast, although my ma kept telling me that breakfast is ready and it won’t be long and I can have it.

I am in the office right now, have work to do but not much in mood to do so, to list out some:

• Update the SR
• Have a meeting with Trakker Direct Insurance IT Manager on the integration of Oracle Financials with their insurance system
• Have to setup the AGIS in Production instance
• Have to setup petty cash in Payables for Trakker (Pvt.) Ltd.
• Have to work on AME

My friend Sarwar has some work for me, I have to design the application template he is working on.

Sad and depressed as I may be but still I have to work things out. I have to get over my everlasting depression.

JK called and said that I should wind up my work from Trakker project as he needs me on some other project which he didn’t mentioned.

I am working here and there as well writing this blog.

That’s all I guess.

Take Care

God be with you.

Nothing Again

Give, Take, Forgive and Remember.

These are some of rules I follow but not the only rules. I hate downtime! You know what it is? Downtime? It is the time of your life when everything seems to go wrong or at least not the way you want it. I’m getting habitual in getting late at office. I’m losing the will to work hard, like the way I used to work.

Movies I watched in last three days:

1. What woman wants
2. The house next door
3. John Carpenter’s Vampire
4. Pathfinder
5. .45

God, please help me. I can’t think of anything to write, even if I know what I want to right, I can’t. It’s the downtime in my life that’s causing it.

Today I came back to home with Rehan. Now I’m writing this blog and the electricity just went out and my laptop’s battery has 15 minutes of life. See it’s the goddamn downtime again.

Last Saturday we went to Arena. We are me, Sarwar, Rehan, Lamba and Arif. The time was 1.30 in the morning so I guess its more of Sunday than Saturday. Anyways, we bought two continues game of bowling. My first three shots were a strike and on the fifth bowl I was standing on the score of 79. But I lost the game since I scored 162 and the winner i.e. Rehan scored 193.

Anyways, This is life.

Take Cares.

Keep writing.

Nothing much… 2

God, I’m feeling sad… yep as always.

My dad has gone to Lahore and I get to stay up all night and watch movies from different channels. Movies I watched last night:

1. Hitch
2. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
3. Meet Joe Black

All of them were good movies or maybe I got to watch ‘em for the first time.

That’s All.

Take Care and keep writing.

Nothing much…

Movies I watched during last three days i.e. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

• Skeleton Keys
• Italian Job
• White Chicks
• Transporter 2
• Dracula 2000
• The Departed (for the third time)
• Awarapan (Yeah I still hold that I don’t watch Indian movies…. deliberately)

Anyways,

I am not in much of mood to write. I’ve got a valima to attend of Wakeel’s elder brother. No! my mood and valima has no relation, they are totally separate things.

Right now I’m:

• Waiting for Lamba to pick me up, he needs half an hour more from the time on my notebook i.e. 20.21
• Writing this blog
• Thinking of getting my self a new office dress… make that two
• Thanking God for showing his mercy all the way to this day
• Listening to Coal Chamber’s Something Told Me

That’s all folks,

Take care.

God be with you.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Justice

In the office, was working, now taking some time off… still have a lot of things to do. To list out some:

• Research on AME Approval Managements
• AGIS setups in Trakker Production environment
• Budget implementation in Oracle General Ledger for TPL
• Legacy application integration with Oracle Financials for TDI
• Try to update my resume

Anyways, was reading Vulet’s blog. Her concerns really make me grin on her innocence.

I am getting frustrated with the life around me, that is not with my life, but the life around me?

Some minor sad depressed feelings aching my mind. I don’t know if feeling and mind goes together but still.

Listening to Happy? by Mudvayne… Tear meat from the bone, tear me from myself… are you feeling Happy?

Let me say that misery hits me with its full strength, it waits for the time when I’m stable enough to feel the fall I get from the moment.

A week ago I saw this movie Must Love Dog having Diane Lane and John Cusack. It was a good movie to watch for once.

The time on my notebook is 21.19 and I’ve to wait for Shamail till 22.00 at least.

Here are dialogues between me and Sab that took place today in the lunch break:

Sab asked: “Aur kya chal raha hai?”
I queitly replied: “Intezaar”
Sab asked in amazement: “Kis cheez ka?”
I depressingly said: “Insaaf ka”
She looked at me, I looked at her, she looked back at her monitor and continued playing FreeCell asking: “Insaaf mai kya chahiye?”
I replied: “Agar yeh pata hota to khud na kar leta?”
Sab asked: “To phir jab tumhain pata hee nahin ke insaaf mai kya chahiye, tou tumhain pata kaisay chalay ga ke insaaf mil gaya?”
I replied: “Jab insaaf ki chah khatam hojayegi”

She, as in her, my lost loved one, doesn’t know how badly she has damaged me, how much anger and hatered she’ve intentionally developed in me. She doesn’t know that I am not a merciful person and also that she’ll be paying all her debts, not here, but in the afterworld. As I said I am not a merciful person, I ask God everyday and every moment to have justice with me and with her in the afterworld. I know its not going to be easy for me as well but if God willed then she’ll be in a greater danger in a greater dungeon of Hell, If God Willed.

Lemme go for a smoke… I’ll be five minutes.

Ok back but it was not a smoke… I smoked 3 cigarettes. One doesn’t do me good

Anyways, called Shamail and he says he needs some more time so I guess the 22.00 is now 23.00 or more.

You take care and keep writing. I’ve work to do and I’m off from here.

God be with you always.

Why?

Har waqt imtihaan ? kyun meray Khuda ?

:’(

Help

God Please…

Help me…

Wondering

Sad… but what can one do.. ?

I am in the office… as always I’ve got lot of work to do… and I am just wondering about the it and doing nothing…

Yesterday I attended my cousin’s nikkah ceremony. It was really boring though I managed to smoke and listen to my iPod.

Today I succeeded in setting up Invoice Hold and Release Reason in Oracle Payables.

I haven’t update my Oracle EBS blog for like four months now and I can’t think of a topic to put there.

God help me.

Take care.

Eid 2008 (Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Eid Day 1 (01 October 2008):

Woke up late at around 8.45. Missed the 9.00 Eid prayer. I just wandered around on the streets smoking the first cigarette of Eid. Me all dressed up

Eid Day 2 (02 October 2008):

After coming back from Ali’s home at around 06.30, I slept because our second day is spent at my phupi’s in North Karachi. It’s a norm and since I am the eldest so everyone there is looking for my company.

Eid Day 3 (03 October 2008):

Watched movie 1920 and Dark Knight and at night watched the movie Phoonk

Eid Day 4 (04 October 2008):

Spent the day with my cousins.

Eid Day 5 (05 October 2008):
Went to my uncle, though it was forced by my lahori cousn, and played card till the next day morning.

That’s All.

Yes its incomplete.

Back after Eid

Back after Eid…

That’s All…

Will write about how I spent my 5 days..

Till then take care

~Sy

Last post before Eid’s long week end

As always I’m in the office, waiting for Ahmed to leave as we both have to join Lamba, CJ, Belail, Sarwar n Rehan at KFC Sindhi Muslim.

Today I did a terrible thing to my colleagues. I asked them to make an iftar plan and when everybody agreed, even my General Manager, I quit the plan.

Sorry Guys.

Wish you all a Happy Eid.

Take Care and keep writing.

Ramadan Day 28

It’s strange how things get back on to me. I don’t know what it means.

Its almost 16.50 here and I’m still in the office. Not that I am busy with something other than writing this second last post. How is it second last ? because tomorrow is the last working day and I can only post one more entry and then EID MUBARAK to all you who are reading and not reading this.

Nabeel is shouting at me on the googleTalk to join him at Pizza Hut today. I don’t have the money or the conveyance, or the courage to go out on an iftari deal with only 50 rupee in my pocket. Yet again another of his message came “Dammit”

Anyways, Yesterday I went to Makro, the one at Colony Gate, Dad was pretty eager to buy me eid cloths. After window shopping and asking prices at different kurta shops, I decided on buying a Light Gray and Dark Gray stripes JJ kurta and white shalwar to go with worth only Rs.1,950.

I never want to buy cloths on eid, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel ocassion around me. I think the darker side of me is on the high side.

Ok here goes my ride to the home. I guess I’m leaving.

See ya tomorrow.

Maybe.

InshaAllah.

Take Care.

Jumat-ul-Vida

I just got the song I listened in Resident Evil. Its a song by Coal Chamber “Something Told Me”. Belail gave it to me just right now.

I’m in the office, obviously that’s why I am able to update my blog, otherwise I can’t afford internet.

Today is Jumaat-ul-Vidaa. Everyone’s here is dressed in Shalwaar Qameez, haha, yeah like it’s Eid. It will be off after 1.00.

I’ve got nothing to at the moment, waiting for the reply from Oracle India against the SR I raised there.

Yesterday I called Rehan at RG and slept, I messaged him at around 21.30 and undelibratly slept, when I woke up it was 23.50 already.

Anyways,

I’m not much in mood for Eid’s shopping this year. I might buy shoes for office and that’ll be all.

Tomorrow there are two events:

1. Iftar at Bari Phupoo
2. Our weekly visit to Arena.

The thing is that I don’t have Rs.500/- and I’ve to go to Arena.

Let’s see how God helps me in this matter.

You take care.

Allah Hafiz

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ladies who sing….

I’m a music freak, my soul isn’t healthy though, so much for the phrase “Music is food for soul”.

Anyways, I was listening to this song by Tori Amos “A Sorta Fairytale” and the way this lady has sung this song is something I can’t explain. Her voice is simply addictive in this song. It’s a beautiful song and lyrics.

And than there is “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette, its lyrics are beautiful as well:

It’s like a raining on your wedding,
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid.
It’s a good advise that you just didn’t take.

Then I also listen to Garbage’s Romeo+Juliet soundtrack “#1 Crush”,

Amy Lee’s songs from Evanescence,

Avril Lavinge’s heartbroken hard rock songs.

Roxette’s Greatest Hits is the album I would call Kuliyaat-e-Roxette.

• Sleeping My Car
• Listen to Your Heart
• June Afternoon
• It musta been love etc.

Yep ladies who sing.

Am I forgetting someone? of course Gwen Stefani with “Don’t Speak”. as we die, both you and I.

Anyways, I’m leaving now.

Quaid’s Mausolem

I’m not an admirer of nature’s beauty. I mean for me a flower or grass field or Switzerland is just another fact. I really don’t know why to appreciate nature. Because it is the way it is. Grass is green and it will be, nature is a fact that everybody has to accept, like it or not.

But this picture of Quaid’s mausoleum is really appreciating. At least I appreciate that this picture really proves that Karachi is City of Lights.

Anyways, I came to office early today i.e. around 7.45, yeah for me its early.

Will write more about today and yesterday.

For now, Take Care.

Allah Hafiz

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing

I can’t think of anything to write. I’m not feeling good these days. Everything looks like a mess….

I keep sleeping all the time, in the office, after iftari, after sehri and then in office again.

I’ve realized that no matter what you do… you’re life will suck whatsoever.

Anyways, I’ve got work to do and no mood to do it.

Take Care.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ramadan Day 15 – Day 17

Ramadan Day 15 (Tuesday, September 16, 2008)

Iftar at home. Went to RG at around 22.00, I was the only one there so I called Sarwar, Lamba, CJ, Rehan and Arif to join me. Only Rehan and Sarwar came. Arif and CJ was out and Lamba has just returned home so he didn’t came. After like 2 hours at midnight, Lamba came to RG and asked if we’re in mood of playing cards, we all said yes, he was on call with Ali Zafar and asked him to join in. Then he called CJ for the plan. CJ said that let him return to home and then we all can go to his place. We went to CJ’s home. Since there were 6 people and the card game we were playing requires four person, so me and Shamail sat with Rehan and Sarwar. Ali Zafar and Umer teamed up and Rehan and Sarwar. They only played one game and then everybody agreed on playing Uno. At night I watched the old movie The Ten Commandments. I liked the movie. Though there some facts molded but still it’s a good movie.

Ramadan Day 16 (Wednesday, September 17, 2008)

I and Ahmed left office at around 19.20. Since we were getting late, so we decided to iftar at KayBees. After returning from KayBees, I got the SMS from Shamail to come to RG. I went there, CJ and Lamba was sitting already, Rehan joined us. We decided on going to Arena coming Saturday i.e. 20th September. After coming back home and watched the movies

1. The Day After Tomorrow,
2. Johnny English and
3. The Legends of the Fall.

Ramadan Day 17 (Thursday, September 18, 2008)

I was feeling way too damn sleepy. Obviously if I’ll not sleep the whole night and watch stupid movies then what should I expect from my brain?

Zahid bhai, my colleague at Inbox, asked to me have tomorrow’s iftari with them at BBQ Tonight. I haven’t confirmed them anything but I think I’ll join them.

Calculation

Ok here’s a formula for calculating the Ramadan date from current date in Gregorian calendar.
A = Gregorian Date
X = Ramadan Date = A+B
B = Ramadan started “after” September –> September Date – No. of days after *-1
Since Ramadan started on 2nd September i.e. After 1 day
So B = 2 – 1 = 1*-1 = -1

Let’s see if its works

Today is 16 September and according to my formula 16+(-1) = 16-1 = 15

So today is 15th of Ramadan and either 15 or 14 more days left to Eid

Hehehe…. sorry that was really pathetic though correct, but anyone can do this kind of maths.

Anyways, Take care again, I’ve to leave now, I’m at Trakker McDonald’s wala office and now I’ve to go to their head office which is situated in P.E.C.H.S block 6.

Allah Hafiz

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ramadan Day 14

I wrote this early in the morning.

Its 3.45 in the morning, mom will wake in an hour or so for the sehri preparation. I sitting in drawing room with my laptop on and iPod wired in my ears; the light bulb is fluctuating constantly giving me the idea that the electricity can go out any moment. Listening to Michael Jackson’s Ghost, writing this blog, read the joke on the new element named Woman.

I was thinking of writing something different like a short story or give proper wording to these irrational thoughts in my head. Tomorrow I’ve to go to Trakker head office for the support on my Oracle Payables module. Since I implemented the module so their accountants needs help in some scenarios.

The room temperature is hot enough to make me sweat mildly. Although the ceiling fans are serving their purpose but the low voltage is a hindrance. Just in front of me is lying the pack of cigarette tempting me to pull out one and smoke my time away.

I was feeling fine for the last couple of months but suddenly in this holy month I’m not feeling well, even if I’m evil I’m free to roam the world. But that’s not what it means when we say that all evils are imprisoned in the holy month of Ramadan. Let me just smoke and I’ll get back to you.

Ok back. While smoking I was listening to MJJ’s You Rock My World, took me back to the days when I was in Abu Dhabi and I first saw its video and got amazed that Michael has launched another album after 1999. Life in AUH was more than easy, but at that time I didn’t realize that life in Pakistan is much more difficult, not the life now is difficult, I was talking in comparison to life in AUH. The song playing right now is Michelle Branch’s Everywhere, yeah it’s the soundtrack from American Pie, I don’t remember 1 or 2.

Have to wake CJ at 6:45 so that we both can leave for our work. The time now is 4:05.

Before writing this blog I was watching Romeo+Juliet, yes, I know I should write Romeo and Juliet and not the plus sign but I like it that way. I don’t remember the count of how many times I’ve watched this movie but since I like it so I enjoy it every time I watch it. I like its soundtrack, Garbage with #1 Crush, Cardigans with Lovefool and Des’ree with I’m Kissing You the love theme of the movie. The movies I can watch over and over again are

1. Terminator 1 (Directed by James Cameron)
2. Terminator 2 (Directed by James Cameron)
3. Titanic (Directed by James Cameron)
4. Dracula (Directed by Francis Ford Coppola)
5. Romeo and Juliet (Directed by Baz Luhrmann)
6. Moulin Rogue (Directed by Baz Luhrmann)
7. Gone in 60 Second (Directed by Dominic Sena)
8. Speed

And the list will go on; these are the ones I remember. Anyways. Let me listen to the track from Gone in 60 Seconds, Flowers by Moby. Beautiful Track.

Using your laptop while lying down is very tedious especially when the touchpad is so sensitive. Since I feel a need to rest so I’m not changing my posture. Ah, the song now playing is from the old movie Pakeezah,

“Ek tum hee nahi tanha ulfat mai meri ruswa,
Is sheher mai tum jaisay deewanay hazaaron hain”

Wah, aala shairi.

I’ve got these old songs too,

“Beqarari mai hai qarar kya kijiye,
Aa gaya jo kisi pe pyaar kya kijiye”

And

“Tere bina meri, meray bina teri,
Yeh zindagi zindagi naa”

And

“Maanzilain apni jagha hain, raastay apni jagha,
Jab qadam hee saath naa dein to musafir kya karay”

And

“Yahan badla wafa ka bewafai kay siwa kya hai,
Mohabbat kar kay bhi dekha, mohabbat mai bhi dhoka hai”

Although these songs don’t represents my mood of music, but at time I can listen to them. The time now is not good, mom will wake any minutes and I’ve to get the smoke’s smell out of the room. Use some air freshener and stuff like that; Ma knows that I smoke because when she smells the room sweet it gives her the idea. It’s like in this stanza

“Tum itna jo moskura rahay ho,
Kya gham hai jo chupa rahay ho”

Anyways again, I’m finishing this blog.

Take cares.

God be with you.

Amen.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ramadan Day 3 – Day 11

Ramadan Day 03:
Went out to iftar @ Pizza Hut, Tariq Road with Lamba, CJ, Arif, Sharjeel and Ali Zafar.
Came back and tried to watch the Cage’s movie Adaptation. Why am I saying “tried” because the movie became unbearable for me, not that I couldn’t understand what the bald introvert person was trying to say but it was just not my kind of a movie. Sorry Cage, Sorry Streep, you both are good, but not that good.

Ramadan Day 04:
I didn’t go to office. I don’t know why but it was my second holiday in the whole year and in the month. Fasting doesn’t make me weak, prolly, staying up all night till sehri and watching movies made me sleep a little longer that I woke up in the Jumaa prayer. Anyways, I saw the Jolie’s movie Life or Something Like It. Although again not my kind of a movie but I didn’t lost the interest as I did watching Adaptation.

Ramadan Day 05:
Today we went to iftar out @ Shan-e-Mughlia. A treat from Sarwar. Since we didn’t check out the food rates those mughals had, it became expensive on one person to pay 5,000. We took a picture of the bill as well to make it memorable for the rest of our lives.

After the iftari we went to Arena to have some kind of fun. The deal out there is “Buy 1 Get 1 Free”. We played pool and paintballs. I’m a counter-strike player already so having the game real time was fun.

After coming back from Arena I watched the full of blood and gore movie 300. Yeah the Spartan king and his bravery of standing in front of raining bows of Xerxes’s archers. After that I watched the The Last Legion, though the Hollywood cast is not renowned but the heroin in this movie was Ashwaria, yeah the lady from Bollywood. That was all for that day.

Ramadan Day 06:
Nothing much, iftar at home, watched the movies Terminator 2 and Commando, yeah Arnold is a good actor or at least I like him and “He’ll be Back”.

Ramadan Day 07:
Iftar at home. At night I watched the Tomb Raider and its another episode The Cradle of Life. I don’t like female dominant movies at least the ones when they are super heroines. Angelina Jolie has an image of an action heroine, prolly she got this image after doing Girl, Interrupted or maybe from The Bone Collector, I don’t know but still I never liked Lara Croft, nor in computer games neither in movie.

Ramadan Day 08:
Iftar at home. At night I watched my all time favorite movie Gone in 60 Seconds. No, I am not crazy about the sportcars, I am not a fan of street racing, I am not a booster [you know what is a boost? if you've watched this movie then you should know], What I like about this movie is the soundtrack, the dialogues, the humble expertise of Randall “Memphis” Raines and his love for his brother, Elenor.

Ramadan Day 09:
I don’t know what happened but I didn’t watched any movie in the night. All I did was listening to songs on my iPod while I smoked and filled the drawing room with the smell my ma hates the most. Yes I listened to songs the whole night.

Ramadan Day 10:
Iftar @ CK, yes the abbreviation might sound confusing for the shortest moment till your mind analyzes that iftari and the designer label don’t go together. CK is Copper Kettle, the one on the stadium road. Me, Lamba, CJ and Rehan. I like CK because the frequency of visit there is once per Ramadan and never throughout the year. Last time I went there in the last asharaa, but this year I went in the first one. The people are weird everywhere be it Pizza Hut, BBQ Tonight or CK, everybody has the pride of money. Anyways, I like the cake Alaska, everything else in buffet is the usual. After that I watched the Blade Trilogy, Yep all three of them, the Day Walker, his silver sword, the blood thirst, stakes, burning vampyrs and Jessica Biel, she’s nice.

Ramadan Day 11:
Iftar out with Inbox ERP or should I say with my colleagues at Pizza Hut, not the Tariq road wala, but the one adjacent to it. We were 17 guys, I was supposed to reserve the seats at the Tariq road wala Pizza Hut, I left Trakker at around 18.30 thinking that its more than an hour to iftar and people will start coming so there will still be enough room for 20 people. But when I saw the parking and car honking around I knew I was late, still in hope of miracle I went in, up the stair in the front was standing a waitress on a podium, I just went to her and didn’t even said a single thing and she excused saying the place is full. I asked her what other options do I have? She said “why don’t you try our neighboring branch?” I went there, the guy who was running here and there was a sign that he’s the one to contact. I asked him if 17 people can be accommodated, he said that he first has to adjust the group of 15 people then 11 people and after that my turn will come. It was 19.oo already and my team was waiting for my call and the booking confirmation, and on my part I had to tell them that the venue has changed and its not the one we decided a day before. Khair, we got the reservation and I informed everyone with the change and everything went well. After finishing from there, I went to Shamail (CJ) who was having iftari at Zahid’s Nihari. We both went to have a cup of tea from the nearest dhaba and came back home. At night I watched the movie Looney Tunes Back in Action. Brandon and Jenna, I like them both, Brandon for his performance in Mummy and George of the Jungle, and Jenna for Dharma and Greg.

That’s not all I’ll be putting up Day 12 & 13 here soon.

Ramadan Day 1 & Day 2

Ramadan Day 1:
I didn’t go to office. Haris called to ask but I excused him.

After iftari the pinkies sat at RG. Me, Lamba, Jerk, Sarwar, Rehan, Wakeel and Arif.

Ramadan Day 2:

Today is my birthday and day after tomorrow is Wakeel’s. we’re planning on a iftar out tomorrow and then on coming Saturday.

Right now I’m in the office… thinking of doing something useful…

29/28 days left in Freedom

That’s all.

Ramadan 2008

Tomorrow starts the holy month of Ramadan…

I’m still roaming free…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

No

Though virtually but she’s seducing me…

God please help me… I want her out of my life… my thoughts… my memories… Please Lord help me…

I don’t want to…

Please don’t do this to me.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

I might…

Right now listening to Chop Suey by System of the Down

“I cry when angel deserves to die…”

Independence day is coming and I’ve to attend CJ’s concert at Indus Valley…

I’m not planning to spend money on it, maybe he’ll get me in for free…

I might go to Supply Chain’s training.
I might go to Mianwali for CRP at PAFL.
I might go to Inbox for another presentation.
I might do nothing and sit here write this blog.

I’m not feeling well. I hardly slept 3 hours out of 48 that I spent in front of TV wishing to see some SOME good movie.

King Kong and Naomi Watts, Lake House and Sandra Bullock…

Yeah both of ‘em are good movies.

That’s All.

Take cares.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

iPod Nano – 2nd Generation

Though it’s not McDonalds but I’m Lovin It

Yeah I got the iPod that was promised on writing a good and considerable blog entry on Inbox Blog.

Right now I’m at Trakker, was in Inbox for last two days i.e. Monday and Tuesday.

“You want to see my iPod Nano… come on… it’s just an iPod.” This is what I’ve been saying to all the Inbox people who are going crazy on me winning the blog contest.

Smoke Time… will continue laters…

Take Cares.

Keep Writing. Yes you too… don’t let the ink go dry.

God be with you.

Amen

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Dull

The day is dull today. I am waiting for the TEST server availability so that I can start working on UAT scenarios of Cash Management Module. Received an email from Manager HR saying that the Q3 meeting is rescheduled on Monday 4^th August.

I haven’t wrote anything on the Oracle blog since a long time now.

I’m not feeling good. The weather is sunny but the clouds and temperature tells that it can rain any moment.

My cousin from Germany is here and I haven’t met him yet.

Anyways, I’m out.

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

CM UAT

What the Fuck… ???

Cash Management and Pakistani Accountants…. :@

What the hell…

I have UAT scheduled this Friday and nothing seems to go my way….

I’m feeling all devilish….

The more I hate the more they came close to me….

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Rain

As I always say “I Hate Rain”.

No, not because I live in a city where there is no proper drainage mechanism but in general I hate rain.

Yes, I don’t like nature anyways.

Take Care

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Family Picnic 2008

Night stay at farm house with family members and lots of Phuppis, Khalas, Mamoo, Chacha and Kids that don’t age above 7 and no less than the age that is enough to make all sorts of ruckus. I don’t have any cousin, be it male or female, who is stupid enough to give me company in a situation where I see all the people running here and there. Guys jumping in pool, ladies trying to play catch-catch with a “Football”. Hahaha, ladies, yes they are, at times, very stupid, but not that stupid to give me company.

I realized that being “not social” has drawbacks. Not enjoying any physical activity is my helplessness. I wasn’t a kid who liked any physical games. It was dad who always bought me something which was not physical. Gaming consoles like Attari and Family, handheld games, chess, ludo, scrabble, domino, uno, cards. All these mentioned “leisure” were enough to make me stay at home and enjoy.

Will Continue later…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

New me

“First come, first serve” became “Worst come, even worst served” in my life, but then there always a balance.

Yeah yeah I know… its been a real long time since I posted anything. What? It’s just a month, my last post was in mid June and today is 23 July.

Hey, I got promoted to Associate ERP Consultant. I won the Inbox Blog contest. Now I’m waiting for them to give me the iPod Nano. This is the link to my Winner Post.

I’ve been coming to Inbox for the last week. I’ve got a new Laptop. Its bigger, better and sleek
Here’s the picture.
Anyways, so much of my tangible perks…

I’ll be coming back again….

I’ve to work on the presentation right now.

See ya… take cares..

God be with you

and hey don’t worry…. we all fall down… to stand up again

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Movie

Today I went to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skulls. Rest aside Cate Blanchett was amazingly playing Vamp.

Anyways, I’ve started my professional blog on Word Press. It’s about Oracle EBS. The link is given on the right hand side.

Take Cares,
~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

2 weeks gap…

Time flies by…

Its strange that I last updated my blog on 23 May…

No matter how much busy I am… the memory haunts… the memory remains…

I’ve started another blog… its a technical one… Technical as in, its related to Oracle…

Here’s the link www.oracleebspakistan.wordpress.com

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Pain

The pain…

I hate to admit… but I’ve to write about it… because if I don’t write about what I feel… that feeling inside will burn me inside out.

Yes shedding tears in front of Almighty helps but you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming or the moment of truth in your life. Remember… the song by Goo Goo Dolls Iris for City of Angels soundtrack.

Anyways, I have to work on

• Formula Budgeting for TDI
• Master/Detail Budgeting for TPL
• Integration Scenarios of Payables with GIS for TDI
• AP/AR Netting
• AGIS

Have to train TPL/TDI users on following

• DR/CR Memo
• Employee Expense Report
• Invoice Aging Calendar Setup
• Invoice Aging Report

All these I mentioned above are fairytales at the moment for me. I haven’t seen any of it.

But I will see all of it. InshaAllah.

God help me please.

Amen.

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Night Stay at Office

It feels really good when you are staying in the office all night with the Oracle Applications.

Oh yeah baby, its Technology, Me and World War III.

Being honest doesn’t mean you should give your fullest or if I may call it your 100%

Let me tell you the difference between hard workers, smart workers and intelligent workers.

Hard Workers – if these people face a concrete wall in front of them and their achievement or goal. They start hitting or breaking the wall so that the wall comes down and they achieve what they want. Even though it is a “concrete” wall yet with their constant, continues and uninterrupted effort it starts cracking and at some point of time it shatters completely. The hard workers never give up until the wall is down. They are consistent, I’ll not say they are creative but they manage.

Smart Worker – when they encounter the wall. They just stand and think. If they find it hard to break the wall they ask or request the hard workers to break it for them. While they proceed with other goals keeping in mind that they have to move with this one as well. Looks mean and selfish, but that’s what smart workers do.

Intelligent Workers – These guys simply hits the wall with enough resonance to bring it down. No hard work, no smart work. Just move on with the goal.

See how the length of definition explains the amount time taken to bring down the wall by each kind of worker.

I know and I really don’t have to tell that I fall in the last category. Why and How?

God has given me the ability. Go ask Him not me. I’m just His another creation.

Now I have to go back to work. Employee Expense Report has been generated. There was some issue with the Document Override property. I resolved it. Now I have to work on Netting and Intercompany and Budgeting.

God, come and hold me.

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Inbox Blog entry

I went to Inbox today and asked the lady who is supposedly the Inbox Blog Administrator about the removal of my blog post from Inbox Blog.

She said that the purpose of the blog is not to post any forwarded emails. I asked her that if she had gone through my blog before removing it. She claimed that yes she read my blog. There was no sane reason why not to doubt her reply.

I told her that if she had read my post then she hadn’t removed it. By realizing the confidence I had on my allegation her manager asked me to send her the entry to review it once again.

Luckily I wrote the entry on Word because I want to keep my blog entries with me and not only online. So I searched the file and sent her.

After a while, the blog admin replied asking to post the entry once again. And also apologized that she mistakenly removed it.

So now I have my blog entry on Inbox Blog. Here is the link if you bother to read it.
Inbox Blog

God help me please

Amen

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Wrong

Finally, the training is over. Was a pretty bad experience. Reminds of the suggestion given by my boss “You are the teacher; you should arrange and prepare the material you are going to teach. Rehearse it and rehearse it well. Anticipate the questions that can come from your audience. Drive the class; don’t let them drive you…”

Well, I tried my best to follow the tips. But the thing is I’m an application consultant not a domain expert. So the question got a little tricky for me.

Anyways, Life goes on and the time will maintain its ego.

Today I saw someone really pissed in the office. I don’t know the reason, I don’t give a damn too. Everybody has a life and miseries built in. The best we all can do is to pray to God and relieve the pain or give the ability to bear it.

So I pray for you too. Pray to God to relieve your pain or give you the ability to bear it.

Otherwise, nothing will happen. Nothing will get changed. You will live the misery written for you and so will I.

Wrote a blog on Inbox Blog but they removed it. As happy and confident I am about their tiny minds, now seems that I knew them since childhood and knew them well to predict that they will never understand. Do I want them to understand? NO. It’s a capital “NO”. I don’t want them to understand. Let alone wanting them to read it.

I don’t know how my words hurt their thoughts but the Inbox Blog admin removed it. Makes me quote the phrase again “Scratch of Pen is deeper than a Sword”.

God help us all. Have your Mercy and Shadow on us on the day of Judgment.

Amen.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Work and lot of Work and Blog

At the moment in the office, having my 3rd paper cup of McD coffee of the day.

There is so much to do, I don’t know how to handle it. Am I taking too much burden on me? Or Am I being responsible? I can’t say.

People or my colleague thinks that I come under pressure easily. I deny them and say that I am not taking burden but I want my work and its output to be at its best. And to do so I have to worry about each and every single thing. I don’t know being honest and responsible means taking too much pressure.

Anyways, I keep changing my skin like snake do. The thing is it is of same color and look and feel.

This place is farther deeper. Yeah that’s me. I far and I’m deep. How? I don’t wanna tell.

Love is such a pain. I keep complaining about it. Why? Because I love my work, I love my job, and yes it is pain, because the output is never satisfying.

She called me today after a long time. Still friend, still love. Nice bargain.

Trust is something most precious intangible thing. That’s what I think.

God please help me. I have to do a lot of things.

The server is down for the patch application. And all I can do is read the Oracle manuals. I wish I could do more.

Writing a blog… oh… I remembered. I got an email from our marketing manager. She’s nice. Zenubia is her name. Nice as in she has done her masters in Marketing from LUMS. I like branding and marketing thingy because I was a graphics desginer and I still do a lot of digital artwork. Though it sometimes appears rated and I am pronounced pervert by some of my colleagues for doing such artwork. Hey I am not creative. Creating something is not creative. Setting a trend is creative not following it. I follow, I haven’t set any trend as yet. Back to the email I got from Bia, the e-mail said that write a blog about your Inbox life. Inbox as in Inbox Business Technologies, not your email’s inbox. Writing a blog about your Inbox life. And the best writer will get a iPod Nano. The results will be announced on 16 July. First I have to register for it. I have sent an email but didn’t get any replies so far. I’m waiting for it. Not for winning but for writing.

Writing was something suggested by Vulet Luna. And I agree with her. Writing is important. Because the scratch of a pen is deeper than a sword.

God help me write and help understand the complex logic and workflows of Oracle Apps.

Amen

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Work… Aaaahhhh

What… ???

I am so damn busy.. ??? Yes I am …

At the moment in the office.

Have a HELL lot of work to do… I don’t know how will I do it…

Enter Supplier Information

Create Bank, Branch,

Create Bank Account

Add Check Book

Open Close Period

Enter Standard Invoice

Invoice Create Accounting

Calculate Supplier Balance Owed

Make Full Payments

Make Partial Payments

Create Employee

Create Expense Report

Generate Expense Report

Define Tax Authority

Define WHT

Distribution Set

Create Payment Terms

Create Pay Group

Create Aging Calendar

Generate Supplier Aging

Enter Advance Invoice

Apply Advance Invoice

Create Recurring Calendar

Generating Recurring Invoice

Handle Petty Cash

Enter Debit /Credit Memo

Blah blah blah…

God help me please…

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Coffee, Time and Creativity

Me and my McD coffee. Nothing else is more relaxing than knowing that I have a paper glass of coffee to drink.

At the moment in the office. With coffee and lots of things to do that it makes me lost in things. Its like “aray yeh bhi karna… aray yaar woh bhi karna hai… pehlay yeh kar leta hon, liken phir woh kaam ziyada zaroori hai…” blah blah blah…

Anyways, Einstein once said that “A man driving a car carefully while kissing a beautiful lady, isn’t giving the attention a kiss deserves”, I am rephrasing him like this “A man having a coffee while blogging and working, isn’t giving the coffee the attention it deserve” Lolz…

“As I once said I don’t repeat myself”, this sentence is my own. Quite a confusing or recursive or deceiving sentence. Suddenly Quotes and Sayings rushing into my mind, here is another one of my quote, “Consistency is part of Creativity” and yes the Almighty is very creative that He created me and gave me the ability to create and say the words like “Consistency is part of Creativity” and then realize that nothing can be more consistent than the Nature.

Seether’s Remedy is playing… and I am taking too much tension on the work. As Vulet Luna said once “Hosla rakho ho jayega” hahaha…

Hogaya naa…

God help me please. I have to train the Trakker users for Oracle Payables and I haven’t prepared for it, and I am spending my time here on the blog. Ah, another quote, this one is not mine, I heard it somewhere, maybe in a Hollywood movie, the quote is “Time is the luxury we don’t have”

Ok God, Me leaving… take me into Your blessing, You are merciful, show me some.

Help me God.

~Atif “R34P3R” Siddiqui

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Pain

Ah another achievement. Achieved the damnit concept of budgeting in Oracle today

But you see sometimes knowledge is painful. Yes, I am in pain, I have knowledge of something bitter factual.

As Shakespeare said and I’ve quoted him once before “Ay me, Sad hour seems long”

Think of beautiful and natural concept such as of Love and then think of bitter yet again natural facts attached to this beautiful and natural concept. Its like nullifying the effect of beauty with the bitterness.

As I said before “Knowledge is Painful”

God help me please.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Chat History 02

Disclosing another chat from the past, this one is dated March 17, 2005. I think she had some idea at that time that either I have or I will fall for her. That’s why she left me. This is what I think. I really don’t know the actual cause of her departing from me. We were good friends.

Ok the chat history…

START

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

hmm

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

kabhi kuch… tou kabhi kuch… kabhi khush... kabhi naraaz… kabhi pareshaan… kabhi majboor.. kabhi chup… kabhi masroof… kabhi ghazal… kabhi nazam… kabhi dua… kabhi shifa… aur kabhi Mahv…

| Vulet Luna | kabhi main amn hoon … kabhi be-amn hoon …. says:

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

sab kuch… hehe… tum first ajao

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

Mahv kya huwa ?

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

mein ne kuch ziyada tou nahin likha diya ?

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

aray

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

bilkul nahin

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

wat makes u say that!

…Ek ahsaas hai…. [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

u didnt write anything after it

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

na na..

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

was eating.

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

i really liked wat u wrote.

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

but then

| Vulet Luna | to burn with fury at your own silence … to smile at the patience that always responds … says:

i always love your writing.

END

*sigh* where is she now? Who is there to love my writings now? It’s just me, my God and my loneliness.

At the moment sitting in the office, office as in Trakker, and trying to check all the tricky Payables scenarios.

I miss you Vulet Luna.

God be with her always.

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Work on Saturday Pt. 2

Oh k … another Saturday… and I’m working…

Have to check on the Master/Detail budgeting issue. At the moment I have NO clue as to how it is done and where to start with but I am willing to serve my time. Let’s see what happens.

Life’s good… or may be not… but that doesn’t make much of a difference. I am the same as I was. Like Rose Dawson said “Waiting for an absolution… that will never come.”

God help me please.

~Atif

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Chat History 01

Reading chat histories really hurts. I have two bad habit regarding chatting, first is of saving their histories and second reading them. Just right now I was going through Vulet Luna’s conversation, it goes like this:

| Vulet Luna | soch key saari woh baten hum unhi pe ro diay…. says:

kuch khaya toh nahin hoga na?

…If Only… [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

tum jaanti ho to poochti kyun ho ?

| Vulet Luna | soch key saari woh baten hum unhi pe ro diay…. says:

shayad is liye

| Vulet Luna | soch key saari woh baten hum unhi pe ro diay…. says:

key maybe one day u might want to answer me differently.

…If Only… [AT|f. SIDDIQUI a.k.a. Syd] says:

are we going to live that long ?

| Vulet Luna | soch key saari woh baten hum unhi pe ro diay…. says:

we just might

| Vulet Luna | soch key saari woh baten hum unhi pe ro diay…. says:

or that time might just come sooner than u think

It was March 15, 2005. The time she was mentioning there didn’t come as long as she was with me. Today when I can reply to her differently saying “Yes, I had biryani, or chicken cheese roll…” etc. she is not around. And that is why I said reading chat histories hurts.

~Atif Siddiqui

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

UAT

Today we shifted from Second Floor to First Floor of the McDonald building near Allah Wali Chorangi.

The client refurbished the whole floor and now we will sitting here.

The training… or the UAT… went pretty smooth…

I wasn’t expecting it though.

The training started at 12.30 when it was scheduled for 10.00. All the arrangement was done after the audience was in the hall.

Tomorrow it will surely start at 10.00.

X-X-X

The inside feeling is not good. I don’t know why do I have to feel this way.

Watching her away from me still around me, makes me feel that I’ve lost something really precious.

Memory remains… wish I could delete it, forever and ever.

God please help me. Please Lord help me. Please.

Please God…

Have mercy on me. Please.

Please God have mercy…

I am so down at the moment. I am so really down. I have no one to go to and let my sorrows out, share my hell with someone who can understand.

Ask the questions that weren’t answered. Am the only one? Please have mercy.

Work on Saturday

Yeah Saturday is off but I’m working… can’t help it.

Have a scheduled UAT on Monday. So I had to prepare and test all the scenarios of General Ledger before I conduct the training class with a totally illiterate, egoistic, arrogant client.

None compares to me, I was mentioning it generally. They can’t have ego greater than Me.

Since they’ve bought 4 Lac rupee worth of Oracle application. They have to bear it with us as well. “They” as in my client, us as in “Inbox Business Technologies”.

What I checked and tested today was:

• Journal Entry and Posting
• Recurring Journal and Reversing Journal
• Inquiry on Accounts
• MassAllocation Definition. (no there is no space between Mass and Allocation it is written this was, “MassAllocation”)
• MassAllocation Generation (Should I tell it again or you got it the first time that there is no space between Mass and Allocation, it’s not by mistake but it is written this way)
• User Manual of GL (Still incomplete, only managed to fill in 122 pages, out of I don’t know how many)
• uploaded Trial Balance of the client for opening balances as of Mar 31, 2008. (It had 135 line on Credit side and 300 lines on DEBIT side.) Man it was hell, all the account code combination were out. I had to go through 435 lines and audit each and every account code and their balance, and then enter it into the application. It was so much of a labor work. Labor reminded of the pain ladies have during delivery. No, not at all, i didn’t had any of that kind of pain. While doing this exercise of uploading the TB that this client is going take longer time to understand the working of GL than I assumed they will. Becuz if they didn’t get the idea behind the coding convention, which is THE most basic thing in GL, then you can imagine what will happen when I will teach them and train them about MassAllocation, Recurring Journal Formulas, FSG, and Blah Blah Blah…

What I did after doing all of it:

• Updated my blog after almost a week.
• Went to McDonald today for lunch at 17.00 hours. Had a coffee and Large Fries. And it looks really odd, not embarrassing, when you pay the bill of Rs.105 by giving Rs.20, 20,10,10,20,20 note and a Rs.5 coin. yeah, it is really that way. I had to give the notes and make the attendant count it, and since it was Saturday or weekend, there was a quite a considerable queue behind me, waiting for me to move aside and place their order.

Let me quote the Immortal here: “i really luvd the convo.”
Which convo? and what convo? Convo is short for conversation or at least she meant it.
It was 4th March 2005. My nick was “Aa, Mujhay aazmaa” and hers was “ulti hogaeen sab tadbeeren”

Khair, I am not listing the conversation here. Why? Meri Marzi ! nahi likh raha yahan pe, jis tarha testimonial mai kuch nahin likha tha

Testimonial, Testimony, Testify, and now I know what comes next to your dirty mind.

Why am writing all this? Don’t I have work to do? Yes I do have.

Other then work I have to attend Sarwar’s brother valima today.

OK me leaving. As in going back to work.

And hey God, Please help me, be my savior on the day when I’ll be surrounded by idiots…., ok sorry, not idiots, but a little less Oracle literate people than me and I have to train them.

Take Cares, Allah Hafiz, asalam o alaikum warahamatullahi wabarakatuhu.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Task List

This is the Task list that I added on my Outlook.

Task List

1. Take Screen shot of page.33 / 34 / 35 / 48 / 54

2. Ask TPL about USD Bank Account

3. Ask TMS COA information

4. Ask TMS Bank information

5. Ask TMS Sales Information

6. Add COA natural account values for TPL

7. 3040101001 STOCK IN HAND

8. 3040101002 Module STOCK IN HAND Rest not in use

9. 3040102001 IN TRANSIT

10. 3060201001 Head office

11. 3060301001 Cash at branch

12. 3100000000 INVESTMENTS

13. 5010331000 INTERNAL COMMISSION

GL

14. COA for TMS?

15. Setup for TMS?

16. Responsibility Definition – Define different levels of responsibilities

17. Budget definition – discussion required with the client

18. Consolidation definition – discussion required with the client

19. Trakker Holding consolidated Ledger ? COA, Calendar?

TEST Data Collection

20. TPL – Trail Balance

21. TDI – Trial Balance

22. TMS – Trail Balance ???

User Manual

23. GL

BR-100

24. GL

UAT

25. GL

A Payables

26. TPL – DFF – Distribution on P

27. TDI – DFF - Policy No. Invoice ? and Payment ?

28. TMS AP Setup

29. TMS Banks, ?

30. TPL Bank account code

A Receivables

31. Customer Master Data

32. TPL – Setup Incomplete

33. TDI setup ?

34. TMS setup ?

35. DFF requirement

36. Discussion with Zeeshan on Custodians of AR and display of the record

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

God, Me, Work and Coffee

I’m still in office. Thinking of getting a cup of coffee from McDonalds, Oh yes…, the one thing good about this place is that the office is situated on the top of McD, yeah yeah, that Allah wali chorangi wala McDonald… Khair…

Coffee, this is not the season, or I suppose, the essence of coffee is hot, and its summer already, and secondly, it has caffeine, one of the reason to make your sleep go away… aahh… who cares, at least I don’t.

I am obsessed with work. I was about to mention that I still have a lot of work to do, oh, there I go, mentioned it already. Fact of matter, yes I have a lot of work to do.

Task in hand:

• Email JK to send the template for User Manual of General Ledger.
• Work of Solution Design of AP
• Work on the Budgeting and Consolidation of Trakker Holding.
• Have 5 cigarettes left and the time is almost19.10. So five is enough till 21.30.
• Go and buy a cup or paper glass of coffee from McDonalds.

Let me listen to songs… may be, or it might help me get of this obsession of complaining about work load.

Which one it should be? OK, it’s The Quiet Place by In Flames. It starts like “This place is farther deeper…”

Ma where are you? your son needs you. Please Ma, pray for me, I have a lot to do and I don’t know why am I finding it hard to take even a single step further, Spiderman’s uncle told him, “With great power, comes great responsibility“. In my case I have the great responsibility, where is the power? The answer to that might in this verse “God created human in His own image” and I believe that out of 99 names or attributes of God, I should have a reflection of at least one. I don’t know how to find which attributes prevails on me.

I know I complain a lot. May be a “man” should not be doing this, when we say that we are living in so-called male dominant society. Nah… scratch that, this is not a male dominant society; it is a male and riches dominant society. No it is not a riches society; it is a don’t-know-what society. God please have mercy on us, human, Muslims, everyone. You once commanded “Let there be light” now please command something like “Let there be justice” or “Let there be peace”. I know, I know, I am no one to tell You what You should be commanding and what not. The thing is I cannot tell You, but I can plea You or pray.

Practice, yeah I know I don’t practice Your religion, can’t we settle it in another world, I mean the Judgment Day?

Sorry, I bother You a lot. Sorry, it’s in my nature to come to You every now and then. I will keep doing it, no matter what, no matter how hopeless this life becomes for me, I will never stop seeing the light that falls on me from You. After all, I am Your creation. Acha, listen, I have to go and have some coffee and then I have work on the document. Don’t lose me on the way, Yes God, I am talking to you, so what if its a blog. I can talk to You anyway I want. Isn’t it?

Theek hai.

Abhi I am going down.

Will be with you shortly, haan haan pata hai, wahan bhi hogay Tum, har jagha ho, liken loogon se kaun poochay keh Fa bi aye aala raabikuma tukazibaan

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Still Working

Oh k, the world makes sense again. Today we had a meeting on the Trakker project. We as in Me and my team lead, Haris. In the meeting we concluded that things or the project deadline is not out of hands yet and we can still complete it by June 15.

All the task were listed on the board and each one’s status was discussed. The task in broader terms were:

1. GO LIVE
2. Setup Production Environment
3. Collect Master Data
4. Prepare BR.100 Document for Production environment
5. UAT Sign off
6. Conduct UAT
7. Prepare BR.100 for Test environment
8. Prepare User Manuals
9. Data loading for Test environment
10. Data Collection for Test environment
11. Setup Test environment
12. Collect Master Data for Test environment

The task were listed in a reversed engineering manner. So today we are standing at task 10 and waiting for the data from the client so that we can proceed to task 9 and then 8 and so on.

Since there are five modules and single implementation for three legal entities namely Trakker (Pvt.) Limited., Trakker Direct Insurance and Trakker Management Service Limited., that makes it fifteen module implementation in almost 35 days. Practically it looks impossible as General Ledger itself requires two months time to setup and make it up and running for the client.

Had I been alone in this project, I would’ve done so many things, and I would’ve done so many things wrong. But since and for I am not, Things are still logical, and my management have high hopes from me. OK, not only me but from the team deployed here for the whole project, that includes Supply Chain team as well, the developers working on front end application.

Reality Check: I am supposed to work on the Solution Design Document for Oracle Payables, and yet I am writing this blog. Have a meeting to attend as well.

There is a lot of work load on me. I don’t if I am able to afford that load, but since I feel the load is on me, than I am capable of handling it as well, how?, I don’t know that too, but yet I am holding the weight of the world of my conscience. I don’t know what I am trying to say.

God help me please.

Amen.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Work

Things to do:

• Go to Inbox tomorrow and get the laptop fixed
• Raise an SR to solve the issue of Address Style
• Identify the nature of accounts for Unapplied Receipts, Unidentified Receipts that are required in Bank Setup
• Create all Transaction Types for TPL
• Follow up client on their Trail Balances
• Discuss the Receipt methods for different banks
• Update my User Manual for Oracle Financials.

Right Now:

• Sitting alone, thinking to do something fruitful, intending on not wasting my time here…
• Writing this blog…
• Feeling alone… in fact… I am alone… everybody from my team is gone…
• Waiting for CJ to leave so that I can leave with him…
• Smoked 17 cigarettes till now…
• Thinking of sharing the concept I learned in Oracle Receivables about Banks Receipts…

And lots of other things…

I don’t why but I need sometime out of all these things… Work, routine, relations, everything… I want to sit alone for quite a long time… I want to focus on where is my life going and where I want it to go…

There is so much to do in so less time…

Family, friends, colleagues are there… but still I want to do it all alone on my own.

“All alone on my own” was my nick on MSN for a long time.

There is a new distraction for me here. I don’t want it to be. But this distraction, let me call it m4a1, is distracting me from a bigger distraction. So I want m4a1 to be there. What’s the story behind it ? will tell you later…

Right now, again that is, I am working on Payables solution design document.

So let me go and work on that.

Or may be I’ll work on it at home.

Feeling too much tired… stressed out… wish she was here to comfort me out of this hell, but reality check: She is not here. She was never here. I was stupid enough to think that She will be always there. As I was for her. I still am there for her. If only she realizes it.

Achieved a lot from where I started my career as GD in TSD, GD: Graphics Designer, TSD: ThreeSixtyDegreez Pakistan.

Still want more… because the Glass is Always half empty…

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Dream

Romeo: “Ay me… sad hours seem long”
Benevilio: “what lengthens Romeo’s hours”
Romeo: “Not having that, which having, makes them short”

I don’t think I need to mention the author and the play. But still for the sake of TMI – Too Much Information, I am providing you the details, its Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Don’t know the Scene and Act.

Another dialogue from the same play

Romeo: “I dreamt a dream last night”
Mercutio: “So did I”
Romeo: “and what was yours”
Mercutio: “That dreamers often lie”

Wah, kya baat hai, Shakespeare ki, matlab, “Dreamers often lie”. I dream, not during my sleep or technically I do dream but doesn’t remember it by the time I wake up, probably I don’t sleep long enough to remember the whole thing. The dream I am actually trying to mention here is more of ambitions that one has in life. I am over ambitious, that’s what my GM told me, and he was right, because I want to do a lot, I want it all in impractical time span. My Ma always says this to me “Beta har cheez ka apna waqt hota hai, sabr karo aur imaandari k saath dil laga kar mehnat kartay raho. Allah zaroor tumhain tumhari mehnat aur imaandari ka sila de ga. Jahan itna huwa hai wahan aur bhi ho jayega.”

Ma you talk so innocent. You don’t know anything. Yes, true, very true in fact, my Ma doesn’t know what I am doing. She don’t know what is ERP, what is Oracle, What is Consulting, what are these clients I am talking about to her. All she knows is that her eldest son was a graphics designer but now he is doing something else. Anyways, I was mentioning Shakespeare’s line here about the dreamers, I don’t lie William, I don’t.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Busy

Busy … in fact really busy …

Will get back to my blog soon…

Fa bi ay’e aalaa’ rabikuma tukaziban…

Fa bi ay’e aalaa’ rabikuma tukaziban…

And then which of thy Lord’s favor will ye deny…

Haircut

Got my haircut yesterday. Looking like a kid, all dressed up, shirt tucked in, tie matched with the dress, cuff-links all shining, and shoes polished, ironed crease-free pants. It’s like my dressing was all supervised by my Ma in fact, it is really supervised by my mother. I only polish my shoes, that’s all, She does the ironing and matching and stuff.

Love you a lot mother.

At the moment, sitting all cleaned, working on Solution Design Document of GL for Trakker Group.

Have to go to Rafi for his GHQ Presentation preparation.

Got loads of things to do:

• Solution Design Doc of AP for Trakker Group,
• Intercompany Setup,
• AP/AR Netting

God please help me.

Amen.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Lines

“…and then there was a smashing sound of a crashing glass,
a glass that was once shaped as a heart….“

I don’t know how but I do get these kind of lines in my head every day… after she left me, reminds me of the instrumental by Aamir Zaki “The Day She Left”

Anyways, I am still alive and well. Wanted to tell Velut Luna that I’ve somewhat achieved what she wanted me to achieve. No use though.

I’ll be back.

Have a lot of work to do here.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

That’s what I call Insane Sanity :-)

Listening to Incomplete by Backstreet Boys. Yeah BSB doesn’t sound like Syd. Time has its affects on me. Anyways. I was reading this blog written by a lady I am not going to disclose. No not the blog, I’m not going to disclose the name of the lady or lady herself. Anyways again, in her blog she’s complaining about Men (Ah Garbage’s #1 Crush just popped up… again time or should I say circumstances had their affect on me) and their glancing, gazing and staring at her. Once I said to this lady “Ab agar tum larki ho to tumhain larkay hee takrain ge naa”, on this she said “Haan takrtay hain liken kya har larka line marta hai?” LOLZ… she was funny back then, I don’t know if she still is or not.

Ok the song now playing is Incubus’s Neither of Us can see — Isn’t it disdainful and curious. It is a beautiful song, the lyrics and everything, the guitar and stuff. LOLZ since it is a duet the lady has a line in which she says “I am… just a… blinking neon roadside attraction” reminds of how the disclosed-lady complained of being the object of illegal gazing attraction.

Now it’s Bent by Matchbox Twenty — I started out clean but now I’m jaded. Another one of a kind song. It takes me back to time when I first came to listen to this song, I was in Matric as we call it here, make it I was in tenth grade. Hmm much better. English and its ego. I’m not good at it all, I mean in English language. (Ah here comes my man Metallica with No Leaf Clover -– and it feels right this time). Clover is a leaf said to have its significance on luck in Egypt. Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel… was just a freight train coming your way. I like Jaymz. He was or I think he still is my ideal as he is 6 ft. 4 In. and I’m just 5 ft. 4 In., Pretty short for a 24 year old Asian grown up male. I am the shortest guy in my every group. Though I don’t feel the pride of holding the first position in being the shortest member but I cannot do anything about it as well. Again the time had its affect on me. (Its Metallica again with Die, Die my darling -– I’ll be seeing you in hell).

I’ve to iron my clothes or press my cloths, cloth as in Suit. Have a wedding to attend. Umer or Lamba as we call him (why Lamba? because the guy is 6ft+) elder brother is getting married and today is his Valima, so he’s already married and today is his valima (When you were with me, I’m free, I’m careless, I believe, above of all the other we’ll fly, this bring tears to my eyes… guessed the song yet… if not then it’s My Sacrifice by Creed). Creed reminds me of this disclosed-lady, because she is associated with one of their song With Arms Wide Open. I just want to say hello again. Yeah to her probably, no not to her, not to AWM, not to anyone. Who is AWM? She’s another lady in my life. Don’t mistake me for the men that disclosed-lady encountered in the nooks and crannies. But fact of matter I’ve many ladies in my life apart from my heavenly sweet Ma and my sister who keep bending my ears every now and then. Mind it that these ladies don’t include my cousins. HAHAHA again don’t mistake me for men on the street gazing, glancing and staring ladies passing by. I am not that charming, in fact, I am not at all charming to attract a lady towards my-perfect-self and claim that I’ve many ladies in my life but I manage to have some friends who are girls. No not by calling them Bajis and Aapas. But naturally, some of them are my work colleagues, and some of them are my university colleagues. (Haven’t you seen the ruins of our world – its Ice Queen by Within Temptation) I was talking about AWM, technically speaking AWM stands for Arctic Warfare Magnum. It’s a sniping weapon I play my best with in Counter-Strike. But why would I nickname it to a lady? Because she was such a good friends to me. We both were so much in sync with each other that most of the time I knew her reply and she knew mine. I cannot explain the addiction I had for her and her company. I think the word addiction itself explains a lot. And when she left me, I was ripped, tormented, shattered, broken into pieces and still the cracks on my mind and thoughts are visible and any sane person can guess just by looking for a while at me. (It is a coincidence that Metallica’s Ain’t my bitch is playing, no I am not saying that I am relating this song to her, you got the idea). But when my time comes I’ll drag myself back again. Don’t worry. You don’t have to miss me or my company like I misses AWM’s. People and especially ladies in my life were meant to leave me and the promises these female species made to me were meant to be broken, promises that they made verbally and even the promises that they did not made verbally but by looking at myself as if they will never let me go anywhere, promises they made by anxiously searching for me by just listening to my voice for a measurable distance, promises that they made by looking into my eyes long enough to make me believe that I have committed a sin and now to repent this sin I have to ask them to be my wedded wife, promises they made by getting annoyed when I talked and laughed and grinned around with other girls, promises they made when they stayed with me throughout my lunch, promises they made by wearing the color I asked them to wear when we both were up all night chatting about nothing but what we did that day, promises they made when they said “Mein tumse alag ho hee nahi sakti”, promises they made when they uncountable time addressed me as “Meri Jaan, meray jigar ka tukra” and when they got all childish and stubborn knowing that I am there to cater their every emotional need of belonging to someone, promises they made when they held my hand for hours and hours and we both worked on the SRSs and Proposal of different clients, promises they made when they quietly rested their head on my shoulder and let their silence do the talking to me for them, promises they made when they confidently said “kartay tum wohi jo mein chahti hoon”, promises they made which they themselves didn’t even knew that they have made a promise which they might never be able to keep. And Alas! the sad day came and sadness took the scar that were made by the broken promises, the scars on my mind, my thoughts, my words, my everything. I stood quietly (again a coincidence, Atif Aslam’s Doorie playing… khamoshiyan ye… seh naa sakon… awaz dey ke mujhay tu… dey ja sukoon) yes it’s an unbearable weight of pain that I am still carrying on my heart. Quiet as I may look from outside, I never let out my anger and pain on this world, quiet as I am is nothing but the silent brought by the shock those broken promises and fragile dreams gave me. I was stupid enough to listen to their fabricated words. And now here I am, writing this blog for my site

Metallica’s The memory remains is playing and it is Marianne Faithful with her RaRaRaaaa part. The most beautiful part of the song, in fact, it’s a beautiful concept with a metal song like this one, Marianne’s voice, Lars thrashing the Tama’s snares and Zildjian’s Cymbals. That’s why Metallica is Metallica, and that’s why I like them.

.: Here onwards I wrote after coming from the Valima :.

The valima was good. Me, Shamail, Sarwar, Arif, Rehan and Umer. Ah the light or electricity just came. Let me turn off the gas lamp and shutdown the lights that were left open the time electricity went out

Ok. Back. I just remember that I wrote a testimonial on orkut to the disclosed-lady in which I pronounced her “Immortal”. Yeah she still is immortal to me. She was one best friend I had. I still don’t know the reason why she left me. No I didn’t say anything like I love her or anything of that sort. She was already committed to someone of whom I knew very well. She left me unattended, I’m not saying that she left me without a reason because she might have a reason, it’s only that she didn’t tell me the reason. And one day I was out of her MSN list. The day was Thursday and the date was July 25, 2005. Yep, it’s almost 2.5 years now and yes I still have all the chats we had. Whenever I go through those chat history, it tells me that I was quite a literate person, probably because it was Immortal I was talking to and I had to keep myself meeting her literacy level. Which I now can’t. Why? I don’t know. And it’s best that I don’t know. I don’t know why she left me. I will never know. (Aamir Zaki’s Mera Pyaar is playing – Mera… tumhara…Woh ghar… hamara… toota hai bikhra hai jaisay sitara…) No no no… it’s a coincidence that I am writing about Disclosed-Immortal and this song is playing. There is no link or connection or relevance to both of them. Toota hai jo dil woh roye rulaa dey. Aamir Zaki is good. My cousin met him once for his guitar class. Or I think he told me about the guitar lesson Aamir was giving. No I am not into guitar, I can’t get my fingers on the strings on the neck. It’s my hand’s manufacturing fault I guess. (Try to give you warning but everyone ignores me, told you everything loud and clear, but nobody’s listening… yep it’s Linkin Park)

Before going to valima while I was reading the disclosed-lady’s blog, an unknown number appeared on my cell. I took the call. The voice came “I’m Nadir from PMO. Is this Atif?” I replied. The voice proceeded saying that he needs my following information which is required for my clearance on  project. I agreed. He has given me the time till 9.00 AM to provide the desired details. (Man It’s a hot one, like seven inches from the midday sun… You are right it’s Rob Thomas with Santana Smooth). This was a strange call for me. As I haven’t been informed by my team lead Haris about me being assigned to this new project that Inbox just signed with Pak-Army. Currently I am assigned on Trakker Holding Automation in which I am playing a lead role, obviously after Haris, but now it’s my part on the project as the implementation on test server has begun. (Happiness lies in your own hand, it took me much too long to understand, how it could be, do you share your secret with me… Madonna’s Secret) and I am implement four modules there. General Ledger and Payables for Trakker (Pvt.) Ltd. and Trakker Direct Insurance. Though I don’t want to leave Trakker’s project but what can I do if my management wants my services or should I say my expertise somewhere else. I’ll have to go to Islamabad for POC and the current said duration of this POC project is no less than three years. Trakker’s project is on 11 months duration. (But when you hold me near, your drown out the crowd, try as they may they can never define what’s been said between your heart and mine… When you say nothing at all by Ronan Keating… yeah I know you guessed it) this song is also associated with the Immortal. She liked this song much than I did. Again I don’t know if she still does. I now only know her through her blog, that’s all I know of her. I think after pen-pal now we have blog-pal

Its 2.08 AM in the morning and I am still up writing my head off. I don’t know why this surge of writing came to me but at the moment I am enjoying the twist and turns of my mind and my fingers on the laptop’s cluttered keyboard. (Limp bizkit’s Chocolate Starfish ended and GN’R’s You could be mine live performance has taken its rhythmic lead… yeah baby its Slash after all… I’m a cold heartbreaker, fits to burn, and I’ll rip your heart in two) I was saying in fact writing that it is now 2.12 AM in the morning and I have to wake Shamail at 7.30 so that we both can leave for office by 8.15 and reach there before 9.15. One hour looks enough time to reach one’s office but we are talking about Karachi’s Shahrah-e-Faisal traffic here, and that too on the office rush hour. It takes us one hour from Malir Halt to Nursery, believe me. And I’ve to walk from Nursery to Allah wali Chorangi’s McDonald. Yeah Trakker’s office is in that McDonald’s building or to tell you the fact that whole building is rented by Trakker. All five floors belong to them. (Linkin’s PPR:CUT has begun…why does it feel like night today, something here is not right today, why am I so uptight today, paranoid is all I got left, I don’t know what stressed me first or how the pressure was fed..)

I switched to my aapa’s chat history and started reading today’s conversation. My aapa is my senior from University and now she’s with me in Inbox. She’s a Senior Software Engineer II. No she is one of the friends out of my other girlfriends and in today’s chat history we were talking about m4a1. Who is m4a1? Obviously I’m not going to disclose that too. But to get some picture it is enough for you to know that m4a1 is someone I find cute enough to bother my thoughts while I am busy working with Oracle’s Intercompany’s complicated and complex setup and stuff. Anyways I was telling aapa that I am all alone in the room and all of my team members have left. So she asked “m4a1 bhi nahi hai kya?” she was joking here, I replied “woh to hamesha aeroplane urra ti rehti hai, pilot bani rehti hai”. Actually her job is more of attending customers complains and she always has this headphone and mic on her. So I sarcastically said to aapa that she busy flying the aeroplane. I’m laughing out loud now on my comment on poor m4a1 who knows nothing about me and aapa’s conversation about her. Still I’m laughing out loud though Metallica’s One is playing and Kirk is busy giving his ultimate solo. Hey this Media Player’s random is biased. Out of 669 songs that I have in the list it randomly picked another Metallica’s song, this one is Call of Ktulu.

The time is 2.51 AM and I am in no mood of sleeping. HaHaHa. Me and my insomniac habit. Hey have you heard Insomnia by Megadeth, it’s a good song. I like it. It was the first song I liked in their album Risk. Though after that I almost listen to every song from this album. Ok Call of Ktulu is coming to end and now its Megadeth’s Use the Man (I heard somebody fixed today there was no last good byes to say, his will to live ran out I heard somebody turn to dust, looking back at what he left, list of plans and photographs)

The time now is not logical from the time mentioned in above paragraph. It is 5.09, how did I reach 5 from 2, I’ll explain it in a while, right now Linkin’s Shadow of the day is playing – the sun will set for you, and the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray. OK the time explanation. You see I had to go to valima so the part I started after valima was written after coming from valima but the part about the AWM and the affects of the broken promises and the way those promises were made I wrote it in the time span between 2.51 till 5.09. I took a rest for some time as well, listened to many other random songs. Now it is Kavita K. Murthi with Hum dil de chuke sanam… nah I’m skipping this song, let’s see which one comes next… OK nice, its Linkin Park again with Place for my head… I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark, shining from the light from the sun, the sun doesn’t gave the light to the assuming the moon’s gonna owe it one, it make me think of how you act to me… hmm so where was I? oh yes, AWM, no, not there, on the time explanation. Go away you, try to take the best of me. Ladies and Gentle Ladies this is Chester Bennington screaming his trade mark voice. Now it’s Die Another Day’s title song by glamorous Madonna. She is another lady legend. The BMW ad she did with Clive Owen is awesome, totally awesome.

Ok, finally time for Fajr prayer, and time for satan to make me fall asleep.

As I was listening to Azaan, satan started persuading me to sleep, and the evil move he played was to appear in the form of Immortal. Haha, he was stupid enough that he didn’t knew that she is happily married and I will never imagine her in any way. That loser had to try someone else. Anyways, I’ve to go and get myself ready for Fajr prayer. Excuse me for a while. Its 5.40 now.

Back but leaving again, have to buy some smoke. the time is 6.02

Back again with a pack of smoke, the time is 6.36. listening to In Flames’s Cloud Connected—I’ve come to realize, with every little glimpse, you fade. What a beautiful line. I want Come Clarity from Shamail. I’ll ask him when he’ll come online. For now I’ve to wake him. I think it’s almost 40 minutes left till I start to wake him. (A hundred days have made older, since the last time that I’ve saw your pretty face, A thousand lives have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same… but all the miles are separate, they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face. I’m here without you babay… yeah that 3 Doors Down… you are getting good at guessing songs I listen to… that a good sign of us becoming a friend.)

Mom’s awake. She was all worried when she didn’t saw me in the room, when I came back she asked me where I was. I only told her that I was out. Couldn’t tell her that I was out to buy smoke for myself. Couldn’t tell her that I was out buying stuff that’ll kill her son slowly… so slowly that she won’t even realize that her eldest son is dying out of burden (The song now playing is Linkin Park’s Wth>You — its true the way I feel, what’s promised by your face, the sound of your voice painted on my memories, even if you are not with me, I’m with you)

The time says that I am 6.50. and I say I am what I am, time, oh I remember the song by Entity Paradigm “Waqt” — waqt chalta raha, ghar jalta raha. Or the song by Megadeth Time: The Beginning and Time: The End. (WTF the song playing is Kajra Re from some stupid Indian movie, probably, Bunty and Bubli… let’s change the song, lets push the next button and see what DJ Random has for both of us… ok its GN’R again with live performance of Don’t Cry — Talk to me softly, there’s something in your eye, don’t hang your head in sorrow and please don’t cry, I know how you feel inside, I’ve been there before, something is changing inside you and don’t you know… don’t you cry tonight, I still love you babay).

Thinking of pressing or ironing my clothes myself, ah here comes Slash with his Solo… again Slash is Slash, he holds his own position in Rock, Hard rock and other genre. Axl screaming Don’t you cry tonight, there’s heaven above you babay. What was I thinking… oh yes… press my clothes. Nah I think let Ma do her job. Yes I agree that I should do my own chores and stuff but it’s her who has given me the bad habit of depending on her. Though I am the eldest son but she treats me as if I am the youngest. My brother do all his own work by himself, whereas I look forward to Ma whenever I need something to eat, I get the water myself, probably because I don’t drink much, so less the work, less the effort, less the gain. Everything is less, unless I change myself from this selfless attitude. One day, someday, I’ll stand tall with all my achievements, that day will come soon. (its Metallica’s Low Man Lyrics playing… there’s a dog at your back step, he must be coming from the rain)

The time is 7.05. Laptop’s battery is only 53% and Charging. I picked my cell phone to see what time it has and its 7.23 there. Hmm my cell phone is around 20 minutes ahead of the world. The song now playing is Scott Strap’s Broken. No no its not the one from The Punisher’s OST, this one is another, it’s also good as the one Seethar sang with Amy Lee. This Scott strap broken goes like why do we all overcome with fear, what if I told you that the fear isn’t real, why are we overcome with death?, what if I told you my friend your doubt, you could live without. There is a question I wanted to understand, why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again… Do you know… what it feels like… to be broken again, scared and confused. Anyways, I going to ma to ask what’s for the breakfast. Can’t see her from here, probably she’s ironing my clothes. Wait let me check. The time is 7.16

Yep she was ironing my clothes. The shirt she pressed was the one I picked to wear on valima but as I started ironing it the damn electricity went out, and I had to wear the cloth I wore yesterday. (Nickelback’s Someday is playing – - someday, somehow, I’m gonna make it alright but not right now, you’re the only one who knows that. The song ended and now its Avril’s Nobody’s Home. I sometimes listens to Avril, most of her songs seems to fit my miserable life, though she is a she and I am a He but still the circumstance matches like one of her song “My Happy Ending” perfectly matches from my ending and then this song somewhat matches too)

It’s time to wake CJ and Lamba, lets pick the phone the search them and ring them a morning wake bell. Called Shamail but he is not picking up his phone, called Umer and his cell is, I guess, deliberately off. Second time CJ picked the call. Now let’s see if umer does the same. (MJ’s Dangerous playing – - don’t you pretend you never did me before)

The electricity is out again. The time here is 7.37. Laptop battery says it only has 1 Hr 26 minutes left. I think I should hold the blog here till I get the next electricity source. Cause I think we might need the battery on our way to office because we connect my laptop with CJ car’s deck. The last song that came is an instrumental by Hans Zimmer for a Blockbuster Hollywood Movie… Any guesses… need some hint… come on… think… not as hard as you think… pretty inspiring movie… got it… no.. ok here is a hint… the movie was released in 2000… need more… come one… ok here is a line from the movie – “Am I not Merciful?” … got it… ok then leave it better. Am out for the moment till I reach office to upload this blog. The time is 7.44

The time now is 10.24. Don’t ask what happened in between the above paragraph and now.

Me leaving… for now.

~Syd

Confidence

Distraction… distraction…. every where…

Am I getting better in noticing people..?? Otherwise they wouldn’t be much of distraction to me.

I was writing this user manual sort of a thing for the financial implementation of Oracle EBS. JK called me today and asked for the manual as he wanted to setup Intercompany at Shakarganj Foods. Yeah yeah Inbox is doing well. What is Inbox? Well it’s the IT firm or organization which provides IT end-to-end solution. For more information one can visit their web-site http://www.InboxBiz.com

I’m working there as in in Inbox as an Assistant ERP Consultant. Don’t let the designation confuse you for me as an assistant. Though I need to gain some confidence on my personal skills and knowledge to prove the designation otherwise, at the moment I am an assistant. As I said in some previous blog that my management trust me well and I am going to keep their trust as it is and make it better and better with every knowledge I gain through my efforts and the weight of pain I have on my head.

Otherwise, I won’t be good at my Job.

Me leaving.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Boss’s hope

My VP called me last night. He told me that I’ve to give training somewhere which he didn’t disclose and asked to prepare myself for it. Gave me the time till coming Wednesday i.e. March 26, 2008.

He also told me that it’s very important and that it is bet he’s willing to place on me. I have to keep his expectations from me. Though I try to exceed them.

The problem is that I haven’t implemented one of the modules which I have to train there. The module is Oracle Receivables.

Now, I really need someone to pray for me, apart from my maa… She’s there, I know, She’s there. She doesn’t know what I am doing, what is Oracle EBS? What is Oracle Payables or Receivables? She doesn’t know any of it. She can’t even remember my designation, its ERP Consultant, and all she knows is that I am something RP or PR, she uses this term interchangeably and whenever someone asks that what is her elder son doing? All she replies is “Computers main kuch karta hai.” I love her; obviously, there is no point in mentioning this here. What I am trying to say is that despite the fact that she doesn’t know what her son is doing, she keeps on praying for me. I wish I could give her something to prove her that I AM her elder son. I am her first child. I am the reason for her being a mother.

There is nothing I’ve done so far, according to me not her that makes her proud. She doesn’t need anything. It more than enough for her that I am able to support her after my dad retired.

My organization considers me a useful resource and my bosses trust me. Rafi, Furqan, Haris, they all trust me. They all think that if Atif is there then there is nothing to worry about. Prolly that’s the reason Rafi called me last night and gave me a task I haven’t done before.

God help me please. Help me in this matter and other matters and every matter.

Please I beg You, I plea You.

~Atif Siddiqui

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Intercompany Trasactions

At trakker…

I think I took one step further in Intercompany Accounting. I mean the transaction in IC has taken place. Now I want the transactions to transfer to Receivables. God does help. But not in her case. She’s still here. With me I guess.

I want her out. As I said in my previous blog.

I can hear the chanting of Naath being said out on the street.

I’m waiting for Shamail to pick me.

I’ve stop smoking I think because the pain is kinda getting unbearable now.

Listening to Ice Queen by With Temptation. It’s a nice song. Describes the harshness of cold season.

I still consider myself as an immature person to handle all the relationships. Maybe I am rude, Maybe I am straight forward or may be I am honest. None of it fits other and they complain. I am sorry but I can’t help it. If you cannot put your feet in my shoes then you better not complain me either.

God again please help me.

Counting on you… as always.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Why?

What should I do ?

I am helpless, hopeless. I am alive too but I am not living my life. I admit it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have let anyone get close to me. I shouldn’t have let her care for me. I shouldn’t have accepted her friendship.

People told me that I am doing good from other’s perspective. Do I care about it? Do I care what people think? I guess not. I am not happy whatsoever.

She shouldn’t have came in my life.

Where is God in this tragic drama? If nothing goes against His will then my life and the way it is should be blamed to God. If He willed me out of this mess then I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

I am a psychological case. I am a psycho. I have issues though they are my internal but still they are there to haunt me night and day. Why did I wrote night first? Becuase its dark, black and empty and also because God didnt created night but He only created Light which identified the night itself. Why did the night needed light to prove its existence? Why do I need someone to tell me that I am not Alone. Why do I need someone to prove my existence?

I hope God replies me sometime. Soon that is.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

SRs and Me

I’ve got two service request running from Oracle India and Oracle UK.

I’ve attended three calls from Oracle India and one from Oracle Egypt.

Work is going faster and meaner than I thought.

The first issue is that the Accounting Calendar is not getting validated and another one is that the Address field in Legal Entity address is not coming up.

Trakker project is way behind the timeline.

God help me in this matter as well…

I have to do a lot of things…

1. Consolidation between TPL and TDI
2. Intercompany Transactions
3. Customer/Supplier netting in AP and AR
4. Budgeting
5. Mass Allocation
6. eAM
7. DFFs
8. Integration between Oracle Apps and .NET CRM

Lots of work and lost of hope.

God help me please…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Internal Conflicts

I’m sitting in the office looking at the cuff link I’m wearing. My maa gave them to me. People like them when I wear it…

But it happened today that this one lady looked at those cuff links of mine and appreciated them in way that was enough to break it. I mean as we call it in urdu “nazar lag gayee”, so yeah one of them got broke.

She didn’t mean it though.

Anyways, this is another truth of life. Get appreciated and lose it all.

There was a time when I was a graphics designer and use to come in casual outfits. Now I’ve become an ERP consultant and I have to maintain the ethics of corporate world. Nobody knows what is on the other side of me? How I feel inside? People think that I’ve a career ahead. They don’t know that still am unable to afford more than 50 rupees a day.

God helps, yes, I am not denying it. I am not in a position to do it or argue over that He didn’t helped. If it was not Him then I might not even be enjoying this privilege of having a online blog.

When will I find a rest in this restless journey of life? By saying rest I’m not referring to death but referring to contentment.

They say that people come and go and life moves on. Why isn’t the case for me? Why my life stops when people go away from me? Why do they have to come close enough to make me feel comfortable and then when I get use to them and their presence they just leave. As if it was a dream so real that I mistake it for reality.

I still am trying to find my vulnerability towards human relations and me getting used to them. Supposedly I shouldn’t be so emotional that I couldn’t accept the loss of a loved one.

Yes I am falling. God has helped in lengthening the fall but someday I will hit the ground.

I’ve to do a lot before I get the hit. I wish God helps me doing that.

Leaving now. Will get back to you soon.

~Syd

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

A week now…

Its been a week now…

Got lots of things going on… no matters, if I look it from my point of view…

Life is still gray, gloomy, quite… or should I say life is itself lifeless…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ahsan’s Valima

Yesterday was Ahsan’s Valima…

Ahsan as we know him by Majalil, Remo and Ahsan…

Unexpectedly lots of guys showed up… Raffat, Yasir, Mansoor, Ibrahim, Hamza, Noman, Talha, Shoaib Zaheer, Azfar, Farhan QA, Shakeel Bhai, Khawar bhai and his son, Bilal Bhai, Hammi, Mudi, Imran Saeed and Aslam, Junny…

Had a lot of fun… all guys dressed up…

Went to dhabba after that… only me, RR, YH and Hamy.

RR got his appraisal too.. yesterday that is…

YH dropped me all the way to home.

God be with you Ahsan and your current and to-be family.

HAHAHA… TO-BE… like As-Is…. yeah yeah… it’s an IT convention for current and new IT system or IS.

Take carez

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

I’m at Trakker, again…

I am feeling all gloomy. Smoking is damaging me badly, I know it and I will not stop it. I will commit this slow suicide.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Back from Lunch

Ok… so the biryani of Biryani Centre was nice…. Despite the fact that there is still some news going on about the Bird Flu…

Anyways,

I’m back… in the office that is.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Lunch

I’m at client… I’ll be here for next 1 year or so…

At the moment I have to take my lunch… some old memories tells me that once it was very important for someone that I had my lunch properly. It reminds me of that person. She’s not there… but my need to have my lunch is that habit she gave me…

Aaj woh shakhs bohat yaad aa raha hai…

Soochon ka mehvur go keh mehboob hee hai… hahaha. Yeah right. whatever.

Excuse me…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Thinking…

OK… I’m getting punctual in updating my blog.

How am I doing this? or How am I getting punctual? I don’t know that yet. But I sure can tell that I am getting over my past. Writing a blog is another story.

Yesterday I was thinking… or should I say thinking out loud that from where did I got my ego. And I came to realize that it was from the environment I’ve been brought up in which is Abu Dhabi or should I say among the people who hold their ego dear.

I was born in Abu Dhabi. I went to a Pakistani school. When I was a kid I had this fascination of going to my dad’s office. and my dad use to take me there from time to time. One day I saw this vehicle, or car to be more specific. This car had something different in it which caught my eyes. I looked at it like I haven’t seen it before, fact of matter, I was looking at this car for the first time. This car had this ego which stroked mines. As if the car challenged me that it is far more better than I am. It is more intelligent and sophisticated than me. It has more excellence than I can achieve.

Will continue this blog laterzzz…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ego

Once in a while… the wave of old memories passed through my mind and I watched myself going back through time…
I’m talking about the days when I newly joined this firm. I was alive back then…

I am alive still… that’s why I am updating this blog of mine…

Today in the morning… morning as in 1.30AM I was going through the chat history of one of my friend. The conversation we had over the period of Feb 2005 to Aug 2005 gave me an idea that I was in fact I am an able person and my friend commented me like I am Intelligent yet have bitter sense of humor, she said that I can be funny when I want to be but most of the time I am Silence and Severe, I am good at mockery but mocking is not a good thing. All in all she accepted that she takes me as a person far too intelligent. Now the question arises: “does it matter what people think of me?” and the answer is: “Hell no, it doesn’t matter what people think of me, because I am an egoistic person and don’t care about others” but what is the point of this question and this answer. The point is that only great mind thinks alike. I normally don’t reply to stupid questions asked by people, common sense is one of the most important things if you want to be pronounced as a person far too intelligent, but before common sense what is required is connection with the Almighty. Yes the ONE, the God, the Creator of heaven and earth and whatever exists in between.

My relation with God is more like of a spoiled child, rather a stubborn child. I insist on things that are not for me or make it things that are not meant for me. Like… ok leave it… I am not going to tell you what I wanted to have and don’t have it… but whatever my God has given me is the pride and mercy I own from Him.

Right now, there is politics everywhere… PPP and PML shake hands…

I am as if I don’t care about it at all… Today is Friday and I have to offer the prayers… but I’m feeling too hungry that I am thinking of offering Zuhr prayer instead of Jumaa and have lunch before my brain and mind keep on telling me that I am hungry… So here I go…

Take care…

See ya in next blog.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

DeviantArt

I’m trying to get back to myself by working on photoshop these days…

Recently worked on this one…

www.asid-burnz.deviantart.com

Enjoy.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Another update

Neither of us can see… it’s a good song by Incubus which appeared in Stealth OST

Yesterday was “Liken meray dost…” day

Anyways,

I am not alive… I am just updating this blog to keep it live…

Start.207
Yesterday She insisted to add her back on my MSN list, which she herself forcefully did. I let her do it because she doesn’t know that I love her still… and neither of us can see.

End.207

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Die, Die my darling – Lyrics

This song takes me back to the time when I was a heavy metal fan… I still am a heavy metal fan.

Die, Die my darling by Metallica

Die, die, die my darling
Don’t utter a single word
Die, die, die my darling
Just shut your pretty eyes
I’ll be seeing you again
Yeah, I’ll be seeing you, in hell

So don’t cry to me oh baby
Your future’s in an oblong box
Don’t cry to me oh baby
You should have seen it a-coming on
Don’t cry to me oh baby
I don’t know it was in your card
Don’t cry to me oh baby
Dead-end soul for a dead-end girl
Don’t cry to me oh baby
And now your life drains on that floor
Don’t cry to me oh baby

Die, die, die my darling
Don’t utter a single word
Die, die, die my darling
Just shut your pretty mouth
I’ll be seeing you again, yeah-yeah
I’ll be seeing you, in hell

Don’t cry to me oh baby
Your future’s in an oblong box
Don’t cry to me oh baby
You should have seen it a-coming on
Don’t cry to me oh baby
I don’t know it was in your card
Don’t cry to me oh baby
Dead-end soul for a dead-end girl
Don’t cry to me oh baby
And now your life drains on the floor
Don’t cry to me oh baby

Die, die, die my darling
Don’t utter a single word
Die, die, die my darling
Shut your pretty mouth
I’ll be seeing you again
I’ll be seeing you, in hell
Die-die-die
Die-die-die
Die-die-die

Die

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Wafa – Lyrics

Beautiful old song from the movie Jugnoo

Here is some part of it…

Yahan badla wafa ka bewafai kay siwa kya hai ?
Mohabbat kar kay bhi dekha mohabbat main bhi dhoka hai

Kabhi sukh hai, kabhi dukh hai
Abhi kya tha?, abhi kya hai?
Yun hi duniya badlti hai
Isi ka naam duniya hai

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Back but for What and Why ?

Look the at gaps she has created in my life…

My last blog was on Nov 2007… now its Feb 2008…

There much more pain and suffering than what I exhibit in reality…

Its hard to carry on like this… it is really hard…

The heartache and pain… but what options do I have…???

I’ve given everything to her… but it was my own mistake… she wasn’t the right person to go to…

She is as innocent as a child just been brought to the world… I mean innocent in my case… not in her life…

See ya some other time… gotta go… have to work… right now I am in the office and waiting for logging into the Oracle EBS server…

Somewhat Success

Today I went to my company’s CEO. you might be thinking whats the big deal about it. You know what… you are right. there is no big deal about going to my CEO’s room. But it is for me. How? That is a separate discussion. The point of concern here is that he knows my contribution in different projects led by our organization.

I was surprised and was happy as well. but the thing is nothing really changes even after knowing that your CEO knows what you are doing. The difference of grade I have with my CEO is equivalent to the different between A and Z. I am an Assistant ERP consultant, having a grade 5B, whereas, he is a god damn owner of the Organization. he is the major share holder of the organization. Now this is how I define my success. and at this very moment I am the only person in the department and its almost 21.00. I am not working on anything particularly related to my office work. But still I am feeling successful…

May God be with me Always…

Ramadan 2007

So today is first of Ramadan for the Gregorian year 2007. I am here in office, trying to get my hands on stuff out of my reach at the moment. Have lot of things to do, as i usually say.

Its the first day and I am not foreseeing this month as a good one.

GOD help me please.

Start.207
She stills ignores me… i don’t know why.
End.207

Lost

Mahv… a true friend I ever had…

She cared about me… she asked have I taken my lunch… she asked me have I taken my medicine… she was as if my another mother… she cared about me as if I was her child… she gave me a bad habit of depending on someone I will never have… why?

Why Mahv… why was our friendship so fragile… ???

She will see… what it will be… blinded eyes to see… !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Delay

Today I got caught playing freecell. My VP caught me and I was very ashamed. The problem is that I am coordinating with Oracle Singapore to resolve the issue in an implementation. So I had to keep track of it but the Oracle guy got late and my boss fucked me on it….

Today is Saqib Siddiqui’s last day at Inbox. He is joining Avanza.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Let’s write again

In the office, doing nothing. Waiting for Faisal Sb to give the Ferozsons presentation to work on.

Listening to Linkin Park’s Nobody’s Listening.

Have high hopes, let’s see what happens in ERP.

Yesterday night I cried alot. I asked God to talk to me 1 on 1. But he didn’t listened. He will someday. InshaAllah.

ERP tasks in Hand:

1. BAH
2. Trekker
3. Inbox
4. e-Government HR Module
5. OMI Study
6. Oracle Financials

Today a guy was fired, he was internee graphics design.

Start.207
I sent an sms to her @ 13.30 and she replied back by giving a misscall.

I don’t like it at all when I see her getting frank with other guys. It hurts… it fucking hurts… and I bear it… and I fucking bear it… Please God have mercy on me… Please Lord have mercy on me… Please I beg You, I plead You, please have mercy. It hurts yaar… Please help.

She came to me and said that she’ll not back off from him until God will show her some sign to back off…

Before leaving for home, she complained on MSN that I didn’t came to her seat.
All the girls gave her gift.
She told me that my salary has raised to Rs.16,000/- and hers to Rs.20,000/-
She was wearing RED dress.
End.207

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Birthday – 207

Today as I mentioned before was her birthday.

She gave treat to her friends. She asked sab to invite me on her behalf, but I didnt accepted the offer. She called me when she found me missing in the group but it was too late already

Then we both went to presales meeting at OMI hospital. Then in the office, her birthday cake was arranged, I quitted the part too and didnt attended the cake cutting and clapping and birthday singing ceremony.

Now at the very moment, I am in the office, she’s gone, she had an engagement ceremony to attend.

I am trying to cut off myself from all the social activities she’s involved in. I don’t know why am I doing this but I’m sure i have a pretty good and strong reason behind it. She considers me friend so prolly she might not note my behavior as well…. and Me, I’m not allowed, I’m uninvited

I can’t face failures again and again. I look upon to God to help me sort my life and this matter in particular.

To God: Please God, come and hold me, tell me that you consider me. Please, don’t let me down like this. I don’t want to feel this life like the way I am feeling now. Please Help.
With Hope, From Me.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Working

I’m now an Assistant ERP Consultant. Oracle EBusiness Suite2 yeah….

Right now I’m getting my hands on Financial Suite….

Its not difficult….

Anyways… today’s my colleagues birthday… her name…??? need not to mention…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Back after 7 Months…

Yes… Fuckin’ Yes I got my Blog back…

What happened is irrelevant

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Majaz

Yeah… its been a year now since she left me… uninformed… unattended…

I guess people come to go away… but not otherwise…

Sorry Mahv, I miss you, I still miss you.

–
Atif Siddiqui

Graphic Designer

Development Department

ThreeSixtyDegreez Pakistan (Pvt) Ltd.

Telephone (Off)   :   111-551-551 ext. 281

Cellular (Pak)     :   +92(321) 210-2193

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Iftaar out…

Yesterday was an Iftaar out day…
we, as in Inbox-TSD went to Pizza Hut, the one near Dolmen Mall, or Bahadurabad wala Pizza Hut…
The attendance was quite good… and their service as well.

The thing is that I have another offer today at Pizza Hut too… and this time its a family invitation…
Happy Birthday Aapoo… and thanks for the forthcoming treat… if I attended it…

Got many things to do…

Today’s task… i mean high priority task…

1. Fill the Inbox HRD Form… to get myself switched from TSD to Inbox. Ahh…. TSD-ThreeSixtyDegreez… my first job, my first professional love and emotional attachment…
2. I have get my photograph… for that I have to actually go to studio
3. Get the copy of NIC and other documents…
4. The one thing that I have never done before the day today… Update my CV.. my goddamn CV…no, not becuz I am thinking of applying somewhere… but I have to give it with HRD Form
5. Apply for Transcript.

But then I am such a lazy guy… I didn’t wanted to be like that but now things are out of my control and I can’t do a thing to stop it…

Let’s see where I end up…

That’s all for this blog…

and Hey I found a way to read other Bloggers blog… so now I have Mahv’s blog to read… although I am in no connection with her since last Sept 21. and I still don’t know the reason why she left me… I want to know but I don’t find a way…

Anyways… Ladies, they are the beauty, created by God… they are the need created my men himself…

Allah Hafiz… Keep taking HeadShotz

Busy with Flash

life is so messed up…

I haven’t gone home for last two days… becuz of a flash presentation xBoss gave to me…

I will go early today..

and I am upset about missing my convocation too…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

DnA 1

HA… yesterday was my birthday… and I was at Sarwar, working on DnA Events website. Let’s hope it gets approved, so that I can have a website in my portfolio.

Right now listening to Metallica’s For Whom The Bells, S&M Version.

“Take a look to the sky just before you die, Its the last time you will”

“Now you’ll see what it’ll be blinded eyes to see.”

“For whom the bell tolls”

Convocation is coming up no 16th Sept. Don’t know how it goes, or what it is exactly like to be in a convocation.

Anyways, life will go on as it has till now…

Take carez.. AllahHafiz
R34P3R

Nothing5

I’m just holding on… to let them know…

Know what… I dunno

Anyways.. I’m in the office and task I have is to learn 3D Max and much more…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

WCR = Warid Credit Recharged

TOday I charged my Cell phone’s credit to 101.55 Rs.

let’s see how long it stays there.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Hello…

Not feeling well at all… Having a asthema attack… I want to smoke but I can’t…

Anyways, still in the office… have work to do… task in hand

User Manual
Contact List
…and many more things…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing

Leaving the office… Boss has announced the merger of TSD with InBx

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Script UAT

Again in the office…

Toady Raffat Bhai gave a task… overridding every priority… He asked me prepare a UAT Script for an applicaion… And he also said that do it on your own, do whatever you think is right…

I was in a delimma… but i think i will survive…

Right now he not in the office… so I have to wait for him to show him the document…

Kazim didnt called to ask me about the project CD… and the report yesterday went well…

Shew….

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Final Project report

Today is a fucking day… I hate it the most…

I have to submit my final year project report and Kazim is waiting for me at Maju… We’ll have to submit report and then wait for the grade… Jafer bhai will be aloting us the grade… after that I have apply for trascript… which will lead to the enrollment for convocation due Sept 13…

Else..life is good… just waiting for my appraisal… which will be good i think…

I am confused whether I should be GD or a consultant…??? I dunno… then there is another confusion that should I do MBA or MS… and from where ?

That’s all.. if you have answers to my question then give to atifsiddiqui.atifsiddiqui@gmail.com
with a suitable subject.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing

Right now in the office… Fact of matter I only use net in the office…

So whenever I am posting anything… I am in the office…

Two days ago, it rained like never before…

So now… nothing…

Just an update here on my blog…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Bloggin’ 3

Naam main kya hia…. woh mujhe phir bhi achi lagti hai…

And we live our lives miserablely… why? one should ask him/herself…

I’m a computer scientist and what do you get… a geek, nerd, freak… HAHA, No. I am not like this…. I was suppose to be like this until I opted to change the way a computer scientist should look like…

I am a goth freak, santanist… She didn’t wanted me to be… but then she made me this way… She made me turn away, she made me bleed for her, she made me plead for her… This was me pretending… giving it all away, just to have someone to go to…

I am me, and I am mine… I am not the man she wanted me to be… I broke my promise I didn’t made… and I am sorry for losing her… but there are much more things in life apart from her caring about me… I will miss that part… but I don’t have any choice.

“Don’t you know… how to make it go…. no matter how hard I try… just can’t seem to convince myself”- LP(by_myslf)

She is beautiful… but it’s just that I am not that capable of standing by her side… things in life do change… but these changes are hard for me to comply with. But I am still surviving…

Thanks to God for what he have given and what he will give and what not.

It rained.. and it still is raining…

Yesterday it rained like hell… It was terrible, and I hate it… Becuz the rainwater blocks the passageway outside my house and we can’t do a thing to get it removed… and worst… its the bottleneck…that’s the f’ing tragedy of life…

Right now here in the office… things here don’t seem good… I dunno why…???

Anyways I have high hopes with my career so I don’t care much about it…

Right now the task in hand is the User Manual of Security Module… and I will do it someway, somehow…

InshaAllah…

Life’s good… as always… not that always used by girlies… hehehe sorry ladies

I love ya all…

GoodByes

Who is It ?

…And the reason why she left me… did she find someone else…
…is it a friend of mine… I can’t take it cuz I’m lonely…

WHY…

and the reason why she left… Dont ever me…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Back after a Month

Hello ME…

Life is going good since no tension on study side…

One thing still remains… My final year project report… Will do that too InshAllah…

Anyways… Velut Lune didn’t replied.. prolly she don’t want to remember what’s the past…

Rashid Kamran Bhai has asked to post my auto-bio, so that he can read it… he liked the Prologue and About ME section…

Will be writing soon.. becuz Mozilla Firefox ver.1.5.0.6..

HEHE
Take Care

Germany 2006 Quarter Finals…

Got nothing to do… have many things to accomplish…

Right now listening to “Some Kind of Monster” by Metallica…

Tomorrows Match Lineup
Quarter Finals
QF.1 Germany vs. Argentina 20:00 PST
QF.2 Italy vs. Ukraine 00:00 PST

I am with Germany of course, but who knows what happens…

Match Predictions:

Germany’s gonna win… Inshallah
and Go Italia…(till you face Germans to go down)

That’s all for this blog…

Yesterday I sent a mail to Velut Luna asking if I can add her on MSN… no replies so far.

Today… FIFA2006

Today Saudi Arabia is going to face Tunisia… yeah… they should qualify for prequarter…

But I am with germany…

Yeah…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 5

Got nothing to do. Have a project to submit to get my degree done…

I’m here in the office, people are around me but it feels like I am all alone… because she is not here… she wount be here till the end on this fucking month…

Watching I keep waiting still anticipating love
Never hesitating to become the fated ones
Turning and returning to some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say,

That’s what Berlin said…

Take my breath away…

That’s all for this one…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Me n IBA pt 1

I am sorry for I am not feeling like myself. Have many things in mind. Have to do a lot, it’s only matter of time what comes and goes.

Just today I figured that I should be applying for IBA’s MBA(marketing). So I went to their site and looked for progressive student. Man they have some standard of testing people and letting them in. I mean first apptitude test comprising of English, Maths, GK, IQ. Then they call them for interview where they test their interpersonal skills. Then they throw them in a group discussion. Now my problem persists that I can’t talk to people on useless things. I mean agian, come on, what do i have to do with what’s going on in the world. We created hell and now we have to bear it. I don’t want to be the part of that creator.

I like this another lady in office, she is real gorgeous and real simple and innocent and what not. But she has some standard, how I can say that, because she is god-damn brand manager here. And what am I? nothing, nothing as compared to what she is doing here. I, ofcourse, know her name but I will not disclose it.

Yeh jo halka halka suroor hai, yeh teri nazar ka qasoor hai,
keh sharab peena sikha diya,
Yeh jo halka halka suroor hai, yeh teri nazar ka qasoor hai,
keh sharab peena sikha diya,
Teray pyaar nay, teri chaha nay,
Teri behki behki nigha nay mujhay ek sharabi bana diya.

Sharab kaisi, khumaar kaisa,
Yeh sab tumhari nawazishain hai
Peelai hai is nazar se tu nay keh mujh ko apni khabar nahin hai.

Phir to saqi har tarha ki teray mae khanay main hai.
Sab samjhta hoon teri ishwargari ay saqi
kaam nazar karti hai
Tera pyaar hai bas meri zindagi

Naa namaz aati hai, mujh ko, naa wazoo aata hai.
Bas sajda kar leta jab samnay Tu aata hai
Tera pyaar hai bas meri zindagi
Teri yaad hai meri bandagi
Jo teri khushi woh meri khushi

Yeh meray junoo ka hai moajza
jahan apnay sar ko jhuka diya, wahan ka’aba bana diya
meray baad kis ko saatao gay.
Mujhay kis tarha se mitao, kahan jaa kar teer chalao gay
Meri dosti ki bala hai woh,
Mujhay haath utha kar duaain do tumhain ek qatil bana diya.

I can dedicate this song to her. That’s all for today.

I want to, have to prepare for IBA. Becuz it is said… so it has to be done.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Life.. another one.

Life… I live it as it comes to me. But sometimes things seem to get of hand and eventually getting out of life. “This thorn in my side is from the tree I planted” as said by Metallica’s front man. I can’t think of anything but to do nothing and let life fade away. Don’t want it to happen though. Had many dreams and as many wishes of them becoming true. Now the timeless tears that drops from eyes looks like those dreams finally getting there way out in face of tears.

I am nothing. I wanted nothing. God gave me what we say was life’s basic need. Air I breathe was once breathed by others. What is it? I don’t know. All I can say is that life had no meaning till now. Sahar, yes another girl in my life unknowingly. She has another story. She has another meaning for me.

God bless you all… Goodbyes

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Hello.. very busy

Hello again… very busy at the moment… can you please tell me what to do when I ahve nothing to do and I can’t think of doing something useful…

Have many task in hand… Majors are

• Final project presentation… and its Documentation.
• AI course presentation due this saturday…
• and many things in life…

That’s All… I can think of.. see ya…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

nothing I dont know

Today, me at Yasir Bhai’s home… doing nothing but surfing web and visiting beautiful diva’s site…

Bought a MotoSlim L6… its sleek…very sleek…

see what happens next… that’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 4

OK… start…

Today, at office, nobody came… I mean not everybody came, cuz of the tension in city…

How I managed to reach the office is nother story…

Have nothing in mind to write about. So that’s it.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 3

Life has some meaning to me… but I don’t know if I know it truly….

I’m going good… but I just don’t feel it…

I want to do many things in life but then something is stopping me from doing it.

I will… I promise…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Mobile Stolen… Snatched

Oh well… my mobile snatched… what to do… nothing that I can do…

I will have to buy a new sim with the same number and a new mobile… I don’t know which set but it’ll be Nokia.

That was just to inform my friends.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Another left…

Tabs left TSD and joined Meezan IT dept. as a developer.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Another Blog

Hello again for couple of seconds…

Today I reached office through bus… becuz I dunno… hehe

Excuse me while I tend to my sillyness…

That’s all.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Long Time 2

This is another rush post becuz this is not my system, though the system owner Raffat Raza is not here at the moment…

This blog is just an update that I am alive here on Blogspot.

That’s all.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Long time

Whao….

Its been a long time… I never got an access to the internet… Office shifted to Dawood Centre

Today, I’m at university, Have a paper of AI… First hourly…

Project submitted but still some issues are left to be solved…

Life’s getting somewhere I don’t know…

This is my last trimester and my last course… I should clear it anyway… plz God help me…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

TSDz Moved…

Today, we moved to DC i.e. Dawood Center, near PIDC, Yeah the bomb blasting place…

The office here is way too cool… with the hand swapping attendance, and bar coded door opening… We haven’t got out network setup here… and this, that I am using, is not my PC and still I’m writing this blog.

The project is going fine… with things left to be done but they are on their schedule… I hope everything goes on fine.

I am thinkin’ about the conveyance that I’ll be using to get here… anyways..

That’s all for now

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Lyrics-1

In the memories you’ll find me,
Eyes burning up,
The darkness is holding me tightly
Until the Sun rises up.

LINKIN PARK-Forgotten(2001)

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Music

I wish I could write music so that I can tell that what I am listening to and what it like to listen to “Stolen Memories” by John Williams…

John Williams is a great musician… he is really amazing… listen to score of Schindler’s List(1993)and Jurassic Park(1993)… amazing…

Then there is James Horner… Titanic(1997), Enemy at the Gates…. beautiful and amazing compostition… makes me go back to the time when I had everything and nothing to worry about… and now I have everything to worry and and nothing…

God takes the charge of everyone’s life… but what is that makes me violate him and his rules… why? I think that I should not follow Satan but I somehow do that…

And I am sorry..

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Myself (1)

Life is like a smoke… dissolving in the air without any resistance… a very delicate entity…

Talk about technicality… I am not technical… technical as in I wanted to be a programmer but then it came to me that I am not that hero material…

Suddenly it came to me again that why can’t I do what I want to do… so I tried and failed and tried again and failed… until nothing left of me but what is me….

Don’t how and don’t know when I made myself like this becuase this was not suppose to happen… and I don’t want to die…

SEMPER FI… is the motto now… HAHA

She can’t just leave me… she have to wait for me… she has to because she don’t have any other option… but will she be there when I get hold of myself…. will she be waiting…???

Only a matter of human emotions… we fight for each other…

God bring me to life…

That’s all I can ask of now…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Veil..

Ek ehsaas hai… yeh soocha naa tha…

Sometimes… and sometimes not… things around me gets wilder then they should be…

The veil that protects the and preserve the beauty of a lady… is something I really like… but then again the world around me is not normal and even that veil looks wild to me… the sacred-ness of that lady becomes my reason for sin…

I need some distraction from my demons for a moment or so…

It’s like you know you have to live with a person and his attitude and attribute, but for time being you want someone else to be with…

I don’t know.

That’s all.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Feelin

koi bhi nahin… aur kuch bhi nahin…

Everything is going down… it seemed better but I was wrong… and I don’t know why…!!!

The feeling that there is someone… is wrong… and I should conquer it…

God I am so down at the moment… my final project is not looking good…

But I will do it somehow…

InshaAllah.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Asthematic…

I am not feeling well… have an asthema attack… and I am also missing the person, or that lady in particular who use to take care of me alot, and she was really cautious when I would be having asthema. No, she is not my mother, I don’t reveal my health issue to my mother.

But the beauty of it is that I still don’t stop smoking. And I’m so Sad…

That’s all .

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

High Hopes…

High hopes again… And a bit much of effort… Life is getting better or so it seems…

I want to do a lot of things… Have many things in mind… And constantly working on it… But there is some glitch remaining… And I don’t know how to fill that gap….

Dad thinks I am doing something he spent money on… Which a bitter fact, I am not… But I will repay you dad and with a much more premium… I promise…!!!

God help me in fulfilling my promise..!!

That’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Contract Terminated…

…or it is contract finish… and converted…

Yes today I got a new contract and it was Full-Time Employemen… HAHA with the increase of Rs.3K/-… Thank you God

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 7: Jan 2006 (1)

Work… is something everyone is doing… but the fact “who is really doing the work…?” I am not…

I am learning… working comes when you know what to do… and I am getting to know things that I, as a well versed man, should be doing.

Salman Bhai, the web developer here, is really cool and thanks to him for being helpful at the same time…

Getting a life while working is easy when it comes to know that you know what you are doing and is it really what you should be doing…

I think I am a versatile person… fact that I don’t show and prove myself to be the one…

Life takes strange turns… but they are not U-turns… life doesn’t go back, although history has a bad habbit of repeating itself… but I cannot claim that history repeats itself, becuase I haven’t seen anything good happening to me… but then again, I’ a pessimist and who knows I overlook what’s around me.

I need a little room to pray… or I need a little room to prey…

I dunno… and that’s all.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Late 2…

I am late again… today… and its a new record… reached here at 1.00, exactly 1.00 pm

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Moved…

I moved to development department from the consulting one…

Because I have a team lead here… to guide me and teach me things in graphics…

That’s all.. Keep learning!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 5…

Waqt ka kya bharosa… ban ke pani beh jaye…

reh naa jaye baat baqi… Mahv.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Final Year Project 2005 (2)

13 Days left…

My final year project is in progress… it’s like a database but with raw material…something will be done inshallah…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Eid Dayzzz…

Finally back from Eid holidays…

The week went well… and it went off well…!!!

Day 1:
Nothing much… got late for the prayer… but eventually got the jama’at and khutba’a…
Saw blood everywhere… saw them splitting their heads off… and its the way He is happy and I don’t mind…

Day 2:
Nothing again… went to cousins… and smoked..

Day 3:
Nothing again and again… went to cousin again for a dinner…

that’s all for the Eid days…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

The Day 2

The day has started but it doesn’t seem like it has…

I am bored… and I am feeling unlucky…

God help me plz…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 6: Jan 2006 (1)

New life… started I guess…

I think I am getting better… how? I don’t know… but the feeling is right…!!!

But the place I am sitting… I think I am surrounded by someone not my type… and I am talking about the complete perspective…

What they say… I don’t know I think they are quiet… God help me….

I don’t wanna listen but they are talking so loud… I am dead meat… The silence… it needs some beginning… Aaaahhh… Arrggghhh…

Somewhere I belong…!!!

Today is the last in office then a bunch of holidays because of Eid-ul-Adha…

What is it…??? Let me go.. let me take my life back… the very worst part of me is you…!!!

Hello.. I’m talking to me… the very worst part of me is you… You as in Atif Siddiqui…!!!

Anyways… I’m going out… I’ve smoked already… but I want more… I want to drink… I don’t have a beautiful lady by my side… for a toast… but then I have my imagination that can bring me anyone I want to sit by…

Tell me something… Is a lady important for a gentleman…??? OK I’m not a gentleman… but still is a lady important for me…???

I don’t know… I think she is important for me…!!!

That’s all for now…!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Syd FAQs

READ ABOUT MYSELF – My FAQs

Name: Atif Siddiqui
Birthday: Sept 03, 1983
Birthplace: Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
Current Location: Karachi, Pakistan
Eye Color: Brown…Hazel in particular
Hair Color: Jet Black
Height: 5 5… I guess or maybe it’s 5 4
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: Arabic I guess…was born in Arabland
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black… I always buy black footware…
Your Weakness: Why shud I tell you ?
Your Fears: Intimacy and Physical Intimacy in particular.
Your Perfect Pizza: Nobody is perfect… not even pizzas.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get my hands on Animation and stuff.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Ahan, Hmm, Goodbyes.
Thoughts First Waking Up: I dunno… don’t have any… I don’t remember.
Your Best Physical Feature: Eyez…Hey lady look me in the eyez… you’ll fall in love with me. Your Bedtime: frankly I don’t sleep… I’m imsomniac
Your Most Missed Memory: My lady
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi.. what’s the difference they both are same
McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds… cuz it’s cheap/affordable
Single or Group Dates: First of all I don’t date…and if I will then Ofcourse Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both I guess
Do you Smoke: Yeah
Do you Swear: Only if I mean it
Do you Sing: want to… but no
Do you Shower Daily: no way !
Have you Been in Love: I was… yes
Do you want to go to College: I’m about to graduate…
Do you want to get Married: Only if it’s my lady on the other side… but I will someday.
Do you belive in yourself: Not at all… hell no.
Do you get Motion Sickness: What is that anyways ?
Do you think you are Attractive: Depends on who is looking at me !
Are you a Health Freak: I’m a freak not health one… no I am not !
Do you get along with your Parents: Yeah I do !
Do you like Thunderstorms: Not really… but I don’t mind them either
Do you play an Instrument: yeah I love to…
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: No… I don’t drink… but I will try !
In the past month have you Smoked: Told you already… I’m a smoking guy
In the past month have you been on Drugs: For medicines yes.. for pleasure no !
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Told you already I don’t date…
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: No… I don’t shoplift so don’t go to malls..!
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I don’t eat biscuits…!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No.. I don’t like Sushi…!
In the past month have you been on Stage: No… what are these questions… get a life will ya !
In the past month have you been Dumped: I don’t have a girlfriend…!
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: What is it ?
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: I would’ve..She didn’t looked at me…!
Ever been Drunk: No…
Ever been called a Tease: No…do you mean strip…?
Ever been Beaten up: No, Never been on a fight… Otherwise I’ll get beaten…!
Ever Shoplifted: Yeah but it was just a Kinder goodie Egg…!
How do you want to Die: My lady kissing me with poison on her lips AND she is not Poison Ivy !
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I’m a grown up and I don’t wanna do anything special
What country would you most like to Visit: Spain, Italy and Germany…!

In a Boy/Girl..

Favourite Eye Color: Blue & Green [in Galz]
Favourite Hair Color: Black, Maroon or light Brown [in Galz]
Short or Long Hair: Long [in Galz]
Height: A little shorter then Me…![in Galz]
Weight: A little less then Me…![in Galz]
Best Clothing Style: I prefer minimal…[in Galz for sure]
Number of Drugs I have taken: atleast zero[in Galz]
Number of CDs I own: What???
Number of Piercings: She shud, atleast, hav a naval. Ear & nose piercings are welcome
Number of Tattoos: atleast one… I will do on myself on her
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Who ? Me or Her ?

Oh so its off… no more faqs… OK then.. Tis Me Atif Siddiqui

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Bloggin’ 2

Made my way early to hell yesterday… I don’t know why and what happened but suddenly I started feeling as if nothing if for real and I am John Constantine.. Like I can see hell with my naked eyez and I was really… although it seems abnormal… but being abnormal doesn’t change the fact that I am sane person depending on the time of life I am spending…

Its a matter of luck when your brains and brawns starts working… I have done a lot of things when I was lucky… now I don’t see much adhereness from the luck itself…

Anyways, life goes on and on… Tomorrow is my first A.I. class.. I am willing to clear this course to put an end to miserable bachelors life… not only thinking of clearing it but thinking of getting and A in A.I.

Human is what he can think… I know that… yesterday Zeeshan bhai(Zarif) said to me, “why do you think that whatever you are saying and doing is right ?” I didn’t told him or I didn’t replied him… but the answer to his argument was that its my life and I do and don’t what I feel like doing… He was this becuase Yasir bhai was saying that why have I taken A.I. course when I could’ve taken a lot more easier course then this one… well Yasir bhai… when you cut yourself with a knife and blood comes out and you have the feeling that you’ve hurt yourself… but think about the time before hurting yourself and the time when you are thinking of doing something like this… I am insane, I know, but I do this to myself when I am all aware of the consequences…

God forbids… I smoke, I masturbate… so who doesn’t… and I pay everytime I do this and I am aware of the fact the He make me suffer my sins… so that’s why He is God and I am not…

Listening to songs by Metallica, Megadeth, GN’R and other heavy metal rock bands makes me feel proud and invulnerable… HAHA… yeah bubey..I am what I am…come get some of me…

What is left to achieve is to prove that I am what I am…

THAT”S all… all the beautiful ladies around me… Thank you Miss…..

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 5: Jan 2006 (2)

What can I do… when I cannot do anything… I want to but then something stops me…

I don’t any hindrance… so God please.. I have a lot of work to do…

But there are many things… I am so lost and confused…

I want some relief..

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Fee SP06

OK..fee paid… so far so good.. so what… ???

Hold me tonight….

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 5: Jan 2006 (1)

Again got LAte…. not a good practice… not good professional attitude… and I am sorry…

Another tension… the fee voucher I got yesterday is marked MS(CS) evening… and I’m in BS(CS) morning… again have to go to uni to confirm this shit…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Topic in A.I.

Got registered in AI course… but the process was lengthy than usual one..

First I had to go to Haider bhai, Registration Admin. He said that he will allow me in the course… but will I give a thousand rupee fine?, He asked me to go and discuss the issue with accounts office…. I went to account office and told them my issue… Faisal bhai said that this is an administrative issue and he cannot do anything… he asked me to go to Saud-Bin-Masud… I went to him and he clearly jerked me off and said that he cannot do anything…

Now completly blank I went straight to the president Dr. Abdul Wahab. He said that he is in a hurry and if the issue is about fee and fine then go to Afaq Ali… I went to Afaq Ali… He listened to me and asked me to go to Examination Cell and get it confirmend that the result was late… I went their to Saqib bhai and he asked me to write an application becuz he knew the issue was genuine. I went to the lab, there I found Asad bhai and Hamza bhai working on video rendering and stuff… I asked them to write me and application so they pretty well did that. I went to another lab becuz this lab was having no printer… I took the printout of the application and gave it back to Saqib bhai… he then signed it and I went to Afaq Ali… He read the whole application thing and called the accounts office with omitting the fine… I went to Haider bhai and took the MS form and filled it, he signed it and then I gave the form to accounts office. They made me a fee voucher… and now I am here in the office and its around 20:57. Tommorow I have to submit the fee in ABL (Allied Bank Ltd.) and then submit the fee voucher and the form to the accounts… to attend my AI course..

Ooo..ffff… that was a lot of work…

God help me… please… I beg you again n again.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Next Fucking Last Trimester: Spring 2006

I would like to cry on previous blog but what can I do honey…

God is someone I rely on… I know I didn’t put the right effort… but I knew I am doing well… this is not fair, anyways, Life goes on…

I am taking A.I. course for the trimester of SP06… and I will get an A in that.. I promise this to myself and God.

Trimester Starts: Monday, January 02, 2006.
Trimester Ends: Saturday, May 06, 2006.

First Test: Saturday, February, 2006.
Mid-Term: Saturday, March 25, 2006.
Final Exam: Saturday, May 13, 2006.

So God be with me through start till end… Please I beg you.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

SQA Paper : Failed…

I FAILED in SQA paper.. got 42 marks out of 100..

I am so very down at the moment… God you knew what is to be done and you did it… now please help me along as I go ahead…

HELP ME

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

100th Blog…

This one is dedicated to a lot of ladies in my life…

Starting from:

1. Ismat Zehra
2. Nemana
3. Mubarka
4. Hina J
5. Hina M
6. Mahv

Break me fall… This is my 100th Blog entry… thanks to last one.. I got to know myself and the power of writing… still I am not doing anything… I will 6 I will

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 4: Jan 2006 (2)

She knows me… and she knows me well… but what’s the use… what’s the need… am I that wanting… am I that wasted… I believe I knew I loved you before you met me…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Hold Me…

Enemies at war we build defences and secret hiding places…

More than angry word I hate this silence… its getting so loud…

Happiness worth more then a Gold or Diamond ring…

I might need you to hold me tonight… Cuz tonight I’m finding it hard to be you Man…

So what if I am not… there are other possibilty of being other…

Maybe we don’t this… standing face to face….

Just go on.. and you’ll be in love with me [women only]

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Madar 1

Crash & Burn… I am not alone…

I read her… and I read her so well… that I miss her… please God… don’t let her stop writing things… that is my fuel for writing things I want her to read… It’s a recursive process in which one of us will surely fall in the pit of love for one…

Love is like a barren place… I wish I could say the line I’ve written down to her instead of God… and I mean it there and I really mean it here as well…

Zindagi ke madar mein kuch nahin hai Majaz…
Jo tu naa hota to kuch naa honay ka ehsaas naa hota…

Hota tha kabhi ravan-e-tabsara…
Ab jo tu nahin to khasmosh hai zindigani..

Jo hota tu to hota koi meri wehshatoon ka saathi…

That’s all for this one

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

To God,

“Come and Hold Me”

Please… I really need that

That’s all… that is really all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 4: Jan 2006

Wish I may, Wish I might… have this wish I wish tonight…

ALL THE WANTS I WASTE… ALL THE THINGS I’VE CHASED… THEN IT ALL CRASHED DOWN… AND I BROKE MY CROWN… AND I POINT MY FINGER BUT THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND… JUST WANT ONE THOUGHT TO PLAY THE GOD… BUT THE CASTLE IS SCRUMBLED AND I’M LEFT WITH JUST A DAY… WHERE MY CROWN KING NOTHING

Yaar zindagi chalti rehti hai… kuch bhi nahin rukta… liken yeh ehsaas ke zindagi chalti rehti hai insaan ko beyhis bana deta hai… mein zindagi main bohat kuch karna chahta hoon… har koi chahta hai ke us ki zindagi achi, behter se behtreen ho… liken aisa nahin hota… log zinda rehtay hain.. liken zinda rehna hee to kafi nahin… Us ka waada hai ke woh rizq de ga… kyun ke woh Raazig hai… liken aasan zindagi aur ayaashi ka waada to kahin nahin hai…

Mujhe afsoos hai ke mein Allah wala banda nahin… liken phir bhi yaqeen to hai na…

Kaa’bay kis moun se jao ge Atif
Sharam tum ko magar nahin aati

Kaash… Ya Rub… Kaash…
Magar afsoos…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

SQA Paper…

No result til time… but what if I failed… it costs rs.5000/- and I have to pay it somehow…

God please help me… I really need you at the moment and the moment when I’ll go to univesity to check my result.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Day 3:2006

I got late as usual and reached office by 10:15. The attendance register was in the Boss’s room… so that he can see who is coming late…

I have some serious problem now… I don’t why… but life don’t seem to neutralize itself and shows varied disturbed behavior… And I am so sad like a good book…

Tahir wants some Bayesian theorem scanned documents… I’ll have to find the book and do the job…

But God what is left from you cannot be filled by us humans… don’t you think that I am missing something from you and if I am unable to realize this fact then I’ll probably be looking for some hum being to fulfill it… which is not possible… Please Lord help… help me… I just want to know who I am !

And I am so tired of living this life of failures… should I give you the list… should I or you being God knows everything…. Please don’t do this. Please.

End.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Estranged 3…

When I find out all the reasons
May be I’ll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons… of my life
May be I’ll get it right next time…

Now that you’ve been broken down
Got your head out of the cloud
You are back down on the ground
You don’t talk so loud
You don’t walk so proud
Any more
And what for ?

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I’m out here on my own
Drifting all alone
If it doesn’t show
Give it time
To read between the lines

I see the storm was getting closer
and the waves they get so high
Seem everything we ever known here
Why must it drift away and DIE….

I never find anyone to replace
Guess I’ll have to make it through
This time… oh this time
With You…

I knew the storm was getting closer
and all the friend said I was high
but everything we ever known here
I never wanted it to DIE….

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Iris

Goo Goo Dolls has done this song really amazing… amazing to an extent that this songs holds special attachment with my memories…

The lyrics are so good… and so real… the music or shall I call it solo is also so damn amazing…

The lyrics starts as…

And I give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home by now
And all I can taste is this sweetness
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later its over
And I don;t wanna miss you by now…

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cuz I don’t think that they’ll understand
When everything’s ment to be broken
I just want to know who I am

And you cannot fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your life
When everything feels like a movie
Yeah you plead just to know you are alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cuz I don’t think that they’ll understand
When everything’s ment to be broken
I just want to know who I am.

This is a really cool song…That’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

2006

Passion… lust… beauty… hatered… desires… and what not drives me… to hell I guess…

New year’s approaching but nothing really matters or even if it does then I say “Come what may“. I am not so arroused about the new things… have a fear of losing them when I’m used to them…

I live alone… not physically but on my mental level I live alone… i prefer no interference… but what if someone interferes… I simply would ignore it… Marlboro is my best friend so far… it does not help me in my studies, nor it can… but still she is my best friend… I smoke a lot… Marlboro is my pride bride…
have her whenever I want her… and that’s how it should be…

She left me years ago…. And I accepted the fate…God sends angel from heaven down to hell… and I am not one of them… was she? I guess not… how can an angel break my heart…??? How can She break my heart…???

Well she can do that; she can do whatever she wants… I’ve given her this authority… she’s my darling… even if she is not with me… she is and I respect her in everyway a lady should be respected and in everyway a man can respect her… I love her veil that respects her… if only she knew… if only she can feel it…

But hey this is not the issue… the issue is the new year… No resolution thingy shit…

God please… this is another personal note from me to You… Please yaar we are what we are, people don’t change… and it should not be like this man… you can do whatever you want or atleast I believe this… so change me as I want me to be… and yes I am asking you to do that… I know I can change but it’s a request that I want you to fulfil… How can you say that I never need you.. when you took everything… said you took everything from Me…

No one seem to help me… I musn’t hesitate to ask… so I ask you God to help me… I don’t know where I’ll end up this year… may be in Germany… may be here in Karachi… but I want something good this year…

That’s all for this new year blog… Happy birthday to Vulet Luna… I miss her also… I wish I was not doing that too…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Ibbi Bhai’s Valima

Our SDM Ibrahim Hakim has invited us in his valima… we are planning for doing something after that… maybe we’ll go to dinner… or maybe karting…!!!

Let’s see where we end up… I know I’ll be staying with Yasir bhai…!!

That’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Fair Enough… No

Yaar this is not good, I am not working well, at first it seemed but it is not.

I have to work like a professional, God please help me, What am I? why am I such a failure, Give me the power of right decision at right time… I don’t want to fail again and again…

Everybody sin and nobody is suffering like me…

This is not fair… I can do a lot of things and I am not credited for it… is this fair enough… I guess not… Please yaar don’t do this to me… I am willing to do something and there are hurdles that I cannot see… but what are you doing.. Help me yaar…!!!

Just a thought…!!! Consider it please !!!

That’s all for this.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Hello 2…

What are we doing here… discussing life in general is a vast area of debate… there are many things that a human can and cannot do… but he tries it anyways….

I am not much of a optimist… but still I want good things in life… there are many things that happened to be good but then there are many other things that are not good… I am drained… I am rusted and I am me.. God is there, but then I am here also…

Kill me and keep on doing it… does that kills me really..??? what is death… what if I am not here…!!!

Philosophy is something I can talk on… but with a constraint that whatever I am saying is right…. take it this way, a man thousands year ago told others that one day we will be flying in air… and those other man at that time didn’t believe him becuz it seemed impossible… but now its possible and we all know that…

Anyways there is lot of other things I can talk about but not today…

Catch me laterzzz

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Black interface…

My version of interface for my final project…. its dark, black and I like it

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 4…

Hello Me,

Me and Me and again me… is that it? I am waiting for my SQA result… I should clear that course… I wish I will.. and yes it will happen…

Like an axe cuts the flesh… like a veil that protects her beauty… I am the axe and the veil…

I don’t know why I said that but I just did…

Anyways that’s all for now

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

New Mobile

Feeling sleepy… have work to do… and then there is alot more to happen

One of cousin has arrived from Abu Dhabi… So now I have someone to visit…

Got a new mobile this weekend… dad bought it from Quetta.. it’s Nokia 1100.. with a torch on its head… anyways its better then my previous ones which were Nokia 6150 & Nokia 3310…

That’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Late…

OK… I know I got late even when the BOSS sent a mail yesterday clearly mentioning that everyone should come before 09:30 and reached office at 10:55 which is 11 actually..

Anyways the interface decided so far for my final year project is

Its good… cuz Asad bhai is good at it. I am just running farmaishi Program.

I hope I clear the SQA paper too so that I don’t have to pay fee for the next trimester.

That’s all for now…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Final Paper: One Down One to Go

Today I went to university for my final year project… and my Intro to IT instructor told me that I got A in his course… So wow I am happy for this… atleast that will improve my CGPA to 2.5+ and that is all I want.. but I want to clear my another course of SQA…

I hope I manage to do that becuz the exam went out well and there was no problem in doing that…

Anyways, I am hopeful… and what things will you deny ?

GoodByes for today… read me tommorow !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Estranged 2…

“When I’ll find out all the reasons… may be I’ll find another way… find another day… with all the changing seasons… of my life… may be I’ll get it right next time…

Now that you’ve been broken down… got your head out of the cloud… now you are back down on the ground… you don’t talk so loud… you don’t walk so proud… anymore… and what for…”

This is my story right now… I am too dead and defeated… and I am sorry for it and I am not doing anything to make it right…

I am sorry Ma for your son is not good enough… I am sorry Dad for your son was never good enough… I am sorry Sis n Bro for you brother will no longer stay like that… I promise…!!!

… and my life goes on like this making promise and promise and failing to fulfill it… What am I? I did not murder him…

…and then life goes on again… with you… this time.. oh this time…!!!

“Waiting for an absolution that will never come…” Old Rose in Titanic (1997) said this… and she said a lot of things that I can related to my sinking life…

Right now listening to John William’s composition for Schindler’s List namely “Stolen Memories”. I have many stolen memories and I don’t find any reason for them to be like this… but then there is God to help me with my self created anomaly… I am what I am…

There is a new guy Salman Talpur, hired as web developer… hence proves that I can’t make or develop a website… but there are lot of other things I can do… and so on and so forth…

Did she saw it coming or what or she just left me the way I am… was she here for me as a cure to allergies for life or was she the one herself… she left for good.. making my life consistant on losing people as I create my association to them… Why am I so girly and make relation and association so easily and unknowingly… what is it with me… ? where is my ego ? Don’t you cry tonight I still love you babey… don’t you cry tonight.. there’s a heaven above you babey !

God… Come and Hold me !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 3

I am… very busy… I am very rusted as well…

There are a lot of beautiful women around me… I am straight and this is good… but they are not…

Oh no… O hOH oh OH.. NO

Khair, Abhi Germany ke liye apply karna hai… Have to go to Germany… Guten Tag…!!!

Ish Bin going to Duetchland… par jo aaj hai kal naa ho… aitebar hai us paar…

Meray yaar meray loog… kho gaye sab kahan…

Dad went to Quetta to attend cousin’s wedding… and he has returned…!!

that’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

SQA Paper…

Oh well life seem a bit easier when your final papers are off… Yesterday it seemed… and yes my SQA paper went off well… I dunno how but it happened… my final was good as compared to mid & first test… But there are things left to be…

If I failed in SQA, then I’ve decided to take A.I. course offered on saturday and taught my Iffi’s friend and my friend Yousuf Bhawani.

I am getting infected day by day and I am also not medicating myself… As if someone else is my medicine like a Lycanthrope has the antidot in the blood of his loved human-ones… Anyways this is how life is…

This is all for now !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Thinking…

Got nothing to be proud of… just thinking of doing something… yeah I have cousin that make me feel proud becuz they made themselves and now they are doing their masters from Germany…Yeah babey….

I want to do that too… but as they as “First Deserve then Desire”. I am not saying that I don’t deserve it… but I am not that hero material…

Life goes on… Have a paper to give… have to buy a pen… Many deviations are waiting to be uploaded. I’m a deviant.. you can visit my website listed in the right side.

All in all I’m a dynamic person… but this is not good in a way becuz I can’t predict my deeds myself… let’s see what God has to say about it…

That’s all for now

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Final Paper I

This is me… very busy… unknowingly very busy…

Today is my final paper of Intro. to IT course… I’m getting 85% marks uptil now… lets see what happens in the final. I have to buy a pen for the paper. I don’t have one at the moment… khair that’s the way I am… I have work…!!!

Task in Hand:

• Learning Flash MX
• Update TSD e-Brochure
• Come up with new UI for the new Frame
• Have to work on the workflow

They are a longer run task… but important ones are:

• Do my final SQA report and mail it to Shoiab a.k.a. Buraii
• Do my final project, gather its bits n pieces
• Try to clear my SQA final that is tommorow
• Prepare myself to compensate bad and even worst situations

God help me to do this work and also help my senior Asad to get his work done…

And that’s all for this … I have to do the report…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Work

Am all messed up at the moment….

got SQA report to submit… have two finals to give… have a final project…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Love not life

She was beautiful, she really was… and I was not… and I am still like that…but I liked her and she was unaware of it… khair she is still in my life… without her physical presence…

It’s only me who can see her around me… and I don’t want anybody to see her…

Its my life, my love, my misery… and I am accountable for it… in collaboration with God

That’s all for now

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

The Day

The day started pretty good… The ladies, ooh the ladies, they were good, god-damn good…

and then the day took a drastic change and I was back to my routine…

I am, at times, very unfair and I don’t care if I am that way… I am what I am… She asked me why I do such things and I had no answer… I love her a lot, I love her more then myself… but does she knows it… No she don’t…

Anyways, she’ll find out one day… someday…may be.

That’s all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothing 2…

Fuel is pumping engine…

Yeah right… I am alive.. oh yes…!!!

Running through the scenes of my life, so unkind…

But again… I am alive!

Have a SQA class today, its the last one and we have to submit a report on Testing Strategies for .NET Framework. I hope my group partner has done it.

Thats’ all

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Doesn’t Matter

It is me… or Is it me ? doesn’t matter… what matter is “Me”

So alone… doesn’t matter the people around me…

So dark… doesn’t matter the light around me…!!!

The life in me… is not the thing that matters but what matters is “Me”

I built a wall around me… no one can breach it… and I don’t wanna go beyond it…

Things are like that… I am that way I am… have dreams though… but no means…

Someday we’ll be the heros….!!!

and if God wanna come he can.. I’ll afford his ticket to the dreamland…

That’s all for now…~

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Go to do something…

Thinking of something new and you start with thinking something you already know… unfair, at least in my case…

A new lady joined us. Ms. Rabab Yusuf. She is hired as a technical writer so I think I don’t have anything to do with the user manuals…

Life in general is going good… or so it seems… Have to go Germany and yeah I will be there soon in 8-10 months… my cousin Tahir is pinging me constantly on the matter… So if my efforts are not worth it then his effort should be fruitful… talking to you God… I want that star, I want it now, I want it all and I don’t care how…Careful what I wish, I may regret it, careful what I wish, I just might get it…

High hope, low effort is what I am doing… can’t work this way…

That’s all for today… Keep taking headShotz…!!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Nothingness…

Nothing to say… just wanna quit this habbit of doing nothing…!!!

I am frustrated with this pattern of life… and nothingness !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Bloggin’

The day is young at the moment… thought its 10.00 in the morning… and I am still dizzy…!!!

Yesterday was sunday and supposedly a holiday but we had an extra session for the class of SQA… but there were other challenges too… We (Me, Kazim & Amir Abbas) had to take the photos of the university for the panorama…. it went well… let’s see what happens to the project ?

I recieved a mail from ZFS, explaining the things going around him in Germany.

I have high hopes that sometime after 5 or 6 months I’ll be joining them too…!!!

Things financially are getting out of hand…!!! I get Rs.100/- a day, and that is someday and I have to buy Marlboro Hard which is Rs.55. and this is not good… I don’t seem to change my habit of smoking and this is not taking me anywhere…

God be with me and don’t lose me on the way… for I’ll be of no use then….

What’s the point of losing things when you are lost already ?

That’s all for today… I guess !!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Money

The life has lost its glory, its importance, in the hand of money and wealth…

You can buy anything you want… money talks… and it will keep doing it… it will keep talking..!!

As for me… I am deaf.. or may be we both (me n money) have different protocols…!!

Who knows… that’s all !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Just that…

Nothing much to say… but yes I would like include that there is nothing that a person can do on his own… everything is in God’s Hand… and if you fight with then you have to talk to God’s Hand.

I am so dead at the moment… I need an increment in my salary which is Rs.5k/- only

Am I that worthless… I am not and I wil not die today but still this can be my last addition…!!!

Have a class of SQA and I am not in a mood to take it…

Yesterday 3 multimedia projectors were stolen from the classrooms of MAJU…

Pity but what can one say…!!!

That’s all for this one…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

One Month…

Its been a month now since my cousin left me for Germany…

I miss them and as if I have any other option…

God bless them… and may they prosper!!!

Keep rockin’ Couz… and keep takin’ HeadShotz… \m/

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Final Year Project 2005

This is what my final project is:

Title:MAJU e-Brochure/Prospectus
Project Member(Official): Atif Siddiqui & Kazim S. Chevelwalla
Project Member(Unofficial): Asad Hayat, Haroon Ghauree & Amir Abbas Moman.
Start Date: Nov 5th, 2005.
Expected Due Date: end of December.
Extended Due Date: January 21st, 2006.
Project Status: Just started… don’t know what’ll happen.

That’s all !

I’m Dying… Leaving… Seeing… Believing

Did I said that? Yeah I did…

but for what reasons…

I don’t know where my life is going…

I believe in God and his ways & work… but people says that I should not blindly follow him…

I know that but still I find it hard to work on my own !!!

Can’t think of anything to write… have to work…!!!

and yeah I got second position in gaming zone around my house… and as a reward I got 100 rs. free playing i.e. 5 Hrs. of game play !!!

That is all !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Hello

I don’t who to trust… !

Everyone feel so far away from me… !

Tension is building inside… steadily!

Heavy thoughts… I will not die today !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Not Fair…

Am I exagerrating it…??? No I am not…!!! things happening in life… my life that is….

the things I mean is Degree project… my overall studies grade… I want to apply for Germany but I can’t seem to do that…!!!!

Anyways, things work out, if not even then it is the way it worked…!!!

Hello, I am out !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Yes I am OK…

Made myself a deal… Don’t know what.. But it’s like a devil asking me to do something and that devil is me myself… Killing my ownself…!!!

I am alone… I am awake all night, lying like a dead body, if it gets boring then I lit a cigarette(Marlboro) and that smoking kills 6-7 mins of the night… And my living nightmare…!!!

I don’t recall when I had a sweet or good sleep… I always end up sleeping after 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning…!!!

My brain aches, feels like a sucked and dried out…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Don’t Turn Away…

Its been a year now… got nothing to do… have been planning on many things…

But nothing’s done so far…

Things to do Today:

1. Update company’s e-Brochure…
2. Think about the final project…
3. Get the video camera…
4. Go home…
5. Change my routine…
6. Leave cigarettes for some time…

Now I am going for a smoke… bought a Rs.150/- packet of Marlboro Hard made in US

I feel good… !!!

Take cares…not you.. me. !

Sleep

I losing the hope… I am sleeping… I am told not to do that…

We will be shifting from here to Dawood Center…

My project is yet not started… and I am tensed about it…

Am I sleeping…

They left….

I was thinking about the people who left me… for some reason… and the list is quite big… and I regret it…!!!

It all started when my only cousin left me in Abu Dhabi and came to Karachi, his name Irfan. And now when I came to Karachi after 5 years he left for job in AUH.

Another two cousin, left for Germany for there higher degree…

And I am left alone…

But no worries… I’ll survive somehow, someway, I’ll never let me down !
Take care.

Good Byes.

What not…

Hey hi, I am dong nothing…

Have SQA mid-term… and nothing much !!

So not writing anything !!!

Tention…

I am going down… steadily…!!!

But then I think that I can do something with God’s grace…!!!

I don’t know… where am I heading…!!!

But there are things that are out of my control…and what can be done regarding that… I don’t know !!!

That’s all for now !

Cause it’s true

and I am not lying… because it’s true…

Anyways… not in a mood of writing much.. so that’s all !!!

Life behind Marjan Plaza

It’s a long open ended story… And part of it is living my life behind Marjan Plaza and I am talking about the time when I was in Abu Dhabi. She passed by there and she never saw me… She never knew that I was waiting for her… I was waiting just to see her… Just to make sure that she is home safely… We had our time…!!!

I miss that part of life when there was no such thing as down feeling, tension, worries, lies, and fate. Fate is the most ignored factor of my life when I was there. I didn’t knew God will give such a heavy toll of loving her in such a pure perfection… If only she knew what was the truth… If only somehow I can still tell the depths of truths in my heart… If only…I can have my life back at Marjan Plaza !

Am I evil ? Or am I Adam ? Who is supposed to be condemned to hell just because he made love to Eve. I don’t know… All I know is that she is here and I am not with her… I am here and she is unaware to this fact… And since I know and going through all these things… I am the loneliest person according to me.

GoodByes…!!!

Not Good Enough…

I am what I am and it is not good enough… I am alone… and I am sad…!!!

She is not here I think she feels like I am not into her… But she is wrong… I am so into her love that I can do anything… I can… and I will… !!!

but please my dear love… let me be the way I am… let me show you what you are for me… let me see what I am for you… for there is no one good enough then we are for each other and the God between us.

This is all… for now my love !

Amon L’isa…

someday I’ll tell you what it is… AMON L’ISA.

Yes I read it in Da Vince Code.

What to and what not to….

Today I am going out with my friends on dinner… Not much interested though… But they are my friends and I can’t just ignore them…I am not very much fond of eating… Although I feel hungry… There are people who love to eat…. I don’t… !

Things are going on fine… Sometime inaccurate and pointless… But meaningful eventually… Because the God is behind everything and he maintains the Divine Proportion.

I am trying to write but I can’t, I mean I am missing her so much that all my thoughts for her are not letting me move into the right direction… I am all alone!!!

She never did realized it. But the fact that she knew I am alone…And that I rely on her and the fact that I need her… How can she leave me knowing all this…???

My thoughts sometimes goes wild as I let myself lose. The fact of matter that I am a Virgo I let myself attach to this particular woman, I don’t want to but I have no other option, she cares so much about me but then why had she left me ???

I don’t know anything but I will find out. Till then keep fasting… while you slow down and keep taking HeadShotz…!!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Yeah whatever… that was a disaster !!!

She writes a lot and she writes so well… I can’t think of anything to write… how can I tell her what to say and what not say?… why are these boundaries around me?… what’s the use of it?… How can this happen? We both were friends… and now we are nothing… that is so much impossible…!!!

I am feeling hungry because I am fasting without sehri… Yesterday I went to my phupoo’s house for a stay… I watched Reeve’s new movie Constantine… It was amazing movie… I like the concept of demons and angels entering into the world… and the way Keanu keeps smoking cigarette after cigarette.

I can’t see thing as they are but I perceive everything according to my needs… The earthquake thing happened in the three provinces… and I don’t care about it because it was catastrophe caused by the Lord… and it is written in the book that “Lord works in mysterious ways”. So if he has given a sign then we should follow it… but think of it like this… those people might have deserved it… who knows what God knows… May be he wanted those people to learn from this… I don’t know… all I am saying is that I a selfish and I don’t care what happened to people out there… I don’t expect anyone except God to be there when I am facing trouble in my life and so I am not there for anyone who is facing trouble… It’s a simple rule ”Do good and have good” and “As you sow so shall you reap”.

Yes call me selfish, dead guy, heartless, rude whatever you can justify me with… but I don’t care about anyone… she left exactly the way people left who died in the disaster…!!!

May God rest their souls in peace. Amen!

That’s all… keep fasting, keep going out on deals of all you can eat… and that’s all !!!

The thing it is…

Today is the second day of the Holy month of Ramazan… I am fasting… I always fast because I don’t find it hard not to eat anything for a specific time…!!!

God has created a neat set of rules for fasting… You fast when Fajr starts… and you open it when Maghrib starts… Or in another words you don’t eat anything… you don’t do anything unethical or nonreligious… from dawn till dusk…!!! I am not a big fan of such things… I am what I am and I think that there is difference between knowing something and not knowing something. fasting is like that… people who can afford food knows that we have to wait till dusk and then we can eat… but if someone cant afford food… what will happen to his fasting… ??? OK I agree that my lord is the one who will feed them but this is not the way a happy life should be…!!!

Yesterday, after iftari I went to BattleZone… It’s a gaming zone near my house. It is cheap… you get half an hour for Rs.10/-. So I went there and paid the guy 10 rs. and he understood that it is for half an hour code… The system I chose was not good enough to match my reflexes and as a result my gaming performance was low… due to this fact I was beaten up by everyone who was joined on the same server…!!! There is another system which is good as compared to the one I had. I played that hour and left to a fast-food restaurant. Had some french fries and drink… The clock was ticking 22.00… I had no idea of time and its speed of passing by… I paid the cashier and went on towards home… Something stroked me and I thought of going back to the gaming zone… and this time the system that matches my reflexes was free… So I settled down on it and this time I paid the guy 20 Rs. and played 1 hr.

When I reached home the clock told me that it is 23.30… and I was OK with that…!!!

This is all for today… I hope she is doing fine with her life and all… I have to practice AWM maneuvers… Keep fasting till you slow down…!!!

Never been so much at stake…

I want to think that I am not blind… I want to think that I am alive with my faith all right… But no, this is not the case… I am far away from God and his work… I still believe that he is with me…!!!

Exactly a year ago on October 05,2004, I met a lady on Orkut Online Community, I will not disclose her name… But she’ll know it if she reads this blog… the thing here to mention is that one week ago she left me unknowingly… HAHA… Very funny isn’t it… I didn’t want that… But what can one do…!!!

I started smoking a year ago… After I met this amazing lady… There is no link between her and my smoking… Just have similarity… She left me but I am not leaving my cigarettes… They are with me… What if they burnz me inside… At least they are with me on the outside…!!!

Life is not what I thought of it would be… I fucking hate it, and I have no choice but to live as it is…!!! There are many unanswered questions… The answers that not everyone can give, can be giving by the One who created the question…

The watchmaker knows the time… If there is watch then there is a watchmaker… If there is a question then there must be an answer… A question that has been answered is no more a question…!!!

I would’ve continued my discussion if I didn’t have to go for a smoke…!!!

Coincidence…!!!

Yesterday a friend of my cousin called me. His name is Sarwar Mohiuddin. He asked me if I want to go home with him… as I was busy [not in playing CounterStrike but in designing some process flows] so I had to refuse him… then after all the work was done… me, Ata bhai and Yasir bhai left for home… Ata bhai drops us at Nipa and we both then get a bus from there to our homes… As I was approaching the bus… I saw Sarwar bhai standing by a pan shop… So I went to him and I got a ride to my home…

On the way I was thinking that God works in mysterious ways… that is so cool… I was tired and I got this ride… He really is there for me… sometimes and sometimes not…!!!

I really want things to happen in a good way… what can I do if they don’t???

I smoke and I smoke a lot… nothing has happened till day but who knows what hand you have to dealt next…???

That’s all for now…!!!

Welcome to no-man’s-land…

Me, Atif Siddiqui, left alone again, and again, by different people at different times…!!! First my crush-turned-love left me like I was nothing, then, I was left by various other people, yesterday my cousin left for Abu Dhabi, two of my cousins will be leaving for Germany… I am here, all alone.

I have final year project to do, I have a job to do, I have many things in life to do… but I am unable… I am rusted… those streets around my home look strange to me… I want to be free… I want to be left alone with my freaky thoughts…

She is not here… she is nowhere near me, She can’t feel me, the pain I’ve felt for her. She can’t see how much I need her, how much I miss her… If only those days when I had her in front of me come back… I miss those times when I rushed to college so that I don’t miss her bus… Those rooms and classes that she went through… Those days when she was with me unknowingly…

I have many phases in life where I had my peaks of joy and happiness… and there were times when I felt depressed just because I thought that the coming time will not be the same and it will have even more joys and happiness than the time now… but I was wrong, I was so wrong… I never have a standard. I never had a benchmark to cope up with… I was right at that time… and I am unable this time…

I want everything to change… I want God to change everything… I want Him to see what’s it like to be Atif Siddiqui, and live life amongst the odds… I want Him… I welcome him to No-Mans-Land…!!!

Happy Birthday Aapoo…

Today is my baji’s birthday…!!!

I wish her a very best of luck and success in her life… may she prosper and find contentment…and God bless her…!!!

Tis all…!!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Saw her in my dream last night…

It was something like I was online using MSN Messenger… She came online, something happened and her window started sending her resume to me… As I was in search of her I really wanted that resume to be downloaded… But then it cancelled and I was down… Suddenly it happened again and this time she didn’t cancelled that sending file and it downloaded…So I received it and opened it. I started by reading her birth date and it was something June 07, 1967. It was after this that my eye opened and I lost the dream.

I lost her already back on June 27, 2001. It was that day till this day I’ve searched for her in everyway possible… but no chance.

God knows where is she, God knows what will happen to me, God knows what he is doing, I’d rather be all alone, cuz all I can see is that she is/was very worst part of me.

That’s all for now, Goodbyes and kill peacefully

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Gift…

Mansoor Bhai a.k.a. Lucky gave me a gift… The gift is really cool… It’s a lighter but it looks like a bullet… He bought this because we play CounterStrike and my nick in the game is Kartoos… !!!

Thank you Mansoor bhai…!!!

This is all for now, Keep taking HeadShotz.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Kahani mohabbat ki… $Strings$

Kahani mohabbat ki hai muktasir…
Gaya dil se phir woh naa aaya idhar…
Kabhi koi tha meri rahoon ki ek humsafar…

Kar gaya dil ka woh suna nagar…
Koi rasta naa koi dagar…
Usay dhundon kahan, usay paoon kahan…
Aaj mein hoon yahan, woh kahan…

Neelay neelay aasman pe, badal cha rahay hain…
Paanchi apnay ghar, wapis jaa rahay hain…
Usay dhundon kahan, usay paoon kahan…
Aaj mein hoon yahan, woh kahan…

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

The day she left me…

People come and go, I keep saying that because it happens to me every now and then. I’m used to losing my loved ones.

She left me… She left me the way Juliet left Romeo (Romeo & Juliet), Satine left Christian (Moulin Rogue), Jack left Rose (Titanic). But the difference is that I didn’t loved her nor did she… we were friends, but I think friends are more important then your loved ones.

Anyways, my sense says that she’ll be back… !!!

Dil bujh gaya, Ghar jal gaya.. Naa janay kyun !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

I’m Pain, I’m Hope, I’m Suffer

Never let it go… ever !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

New Boss…

Yeah, Our new director Mr. Kashif has joined today. Don’t know his full name !

Yesterday Ata bhai asked everyone to come early before 09:00 but I unluckily got late and reached office by 10:50.

I rushed to the office… opened the door as if I am lossing millions. The receptionist, Mrs. Aziz asked me to calm down. I looked at boss’s room, the lights were down so I thought that he wasn’t joining today, but she told me that he has joined and is gone for meeting with the client.

Alas!

Anyways, bad things happen and you can’t do anything about it.

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

ProQuest’05….

Yesterday, Sept 12 2005 was ACM ProQuest’05 at Karachi University (KU). Our clan of Mohammed Ali Jinnah University (MAJU) namely Djinnz also participated having members:

1. Syd [Name: Me, Weapon: AWP, m4a1, ak47, deagle]
2. BOSS [Name: Syed Irtiza Ali Rizvi, Weapon: AWP, mp5 Navy, deagle]
3. YaMDooD [Name: Sohail Sultan Ali, Weapon: m4a1, ak47, deagle]
4. Rapist [Name: Aun Asif, Weapon: AWP, deagle]
5. Mr. K [Name: Hamza, Weapon: AWP, m4a1, deagle]

We did kind of well, how here are the overall Djinnz match stats:

First Round:

Match-1: Djinnz vs. KU-1 (15 : 3)

Match-2: Djinnz vs. KU-2 (KU-2 gave walkover)

Semi-Final Round:

Match-1: Djinnz vs. KIET (8:15)

THE END of Djinnz

what caused us this defeat was strategic mismanagement… although we managed 8 rounds pretty wisely… I shot 3 of KIETs with AWP hahaha… and believe me those were best shots I can give…. have HLTV movie.. will see that.. !!!!

and rest is all OK… I learned how use a secondary weapon more effectively… and I learned how to handle AWP out of scope… HAHA…

Will join some clan laterzz… to try all these things.. !!!!

That’s all for now

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Wish I Could…

Animate and develop websites and be a normal graphics guy… But I am not…. I feel sad and sorry for it… But what can I do…. What should I do..???

Can you tell me the most beautiful way of explaining all these things to me…???

I want some reason…. I want some distraction from what I have become…!!!

Please God, do something that is useful for me… Getting a job in a good firm was never easy but you did it for me… I am only earning Rs.5000/- but I want more… I don’t like selling myself but if I am on the road of doing so then please help me… Give me the map, supply me the weapon used to fight on this field… Please I mean it… I really want it.. !!!!

This is not fair, I am not that confident. I am not that strong to face all of this where you should be helping me. Am I unreasonable or irrational…? I guess not… Then I should be compensated on this… I beg of you !

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

BS(CS) Final Year Project…

Today I signed the form of taking a Final Year Project or Research Project. I am not alone in this hell, my friend Kazim Shabbir Chevelwalla is with me.

The project is on developing an interactive CD, a digital or graphical prospectus of the university. The CD will include the information about the universitu, its faculty, programs and courses offered, interview with the president of the univesity, Dr. Abdul Wahab.

The software that will be used in this project are Adobe Photoshop 7.0, Macromedia Flash MX, DreamWeaver MX, and I think Macromedia Director 5.

I only know about Adpbe Photoshop 7.0 and a little bit of DreamWeaver MX. I hope this project will go off well, making me a BS(CS) graduate, CS is Computer Science not Counter Strike

I don’t pray for myself and I am not gonna chage myself either… Let’s see what God has to do about that… about my final year project.

That’s all for today… keep shooting, keep killing, keep taking headshots

Tis my article footer… hey come join me

Happy Birthday to Me…

Oh well… it’s not today, I am late in wishing myself… it was on Sept, 03 but anyways… better late than never

Birthday carries no sense to me… I mean I am not eager that it’s my birthday and someone should wish me or present me with something… Birthdays are kid stuff.. I would rather like myself to be considered in mature and adult person…!!!! Although I don’t mind people wishing me… I lost another year of my life… which is almost losing time… and I think I can’t afford that kind of loss anymore but I got no option but let the time pass by me.

I am 22 now… wow that is some number… but what’s the difference… life’s all the same… !!!

There is no resolution shit also that I do on specific dates….!!!

This is all for now… read me soon !

Another TSD person…

Our CTO (Chief Technology Officer) left yesterday… I had a privilege of sharing my name with him… He was another cool guy, atleast to me… But what can one say… People come and go.. !!!

We gave him a farewell dinner at Salateen and I have to pay rs.200/- to Ata bhai.. !!! I will be getting my salary soon, so don’t you worry Ata bhai !

Anyways, this was just a blog update…!!! Another blog coming soon !!!

In search of…

Myself… searching God within… failed to do so but still trying !

Things that you can’t conceive are things you can’t think… but what you can think is what you know… it’s like saying You know what you know…!!!

But what about saying You don’t know what you know, its the thing one should strive for… like a headshot that is taken on the first shot !

I, being a counter-strike 1.6 freak, find myself standing nowhere in the gaming world of fire n bullets… I am a sniper and I have done many impossible shots, both intentionally and unintentionally… but does it matter, I guess not !

Anyways, Pakistan has been qualified in World Cyber Gaming(WCG) Tournament 2005, and it’s cool… it’s good for us Pakis doing nothing but wasting our money on gaming zone…!

I have spent more then Rs.1500+ over a period of 10 months… ! now I want my money back and the only way is to compete in some international CS tournament of having a prize money of worth millions of dollars, for example WCG2005′s first prize is $400,000… wow that is some monay !!!

Ain’t I grand !!!!

Nothing…

Thank you and sorry… I am not OK with what I am at the moment..!!!

Got a SQA Class to take… !!!

Bye for now!!!

Lost another one…

Hey it’s natural to feel the absence of one that you love…

and it’s not fair either… !!!

anyways… She left and no problems… Fair enough !!!

Boss’s gone.. !!!

My director… So called boss left on Aug,18 2005. He was really nice person… And I’ll miss him… Because he was very understanding and most of all he gave me chance to learn things that I don’t know… And now that He’s gone.. Let’s see what happens.. !!!

He, Mr. Mohammed Ali Sabzwari, used to say that “Ordinary people do extra-ordinary things everyday”. and he was right…!!!

Anyways… people come and go… and nothing changes…!!!

that is all… for now…!!!!

Higher than the sun…

Oh well I am not higher than the sun.. I don’t want to either… But does it has to be this way… I guess not…

People think that I am abnormal… And I want them to think this way but it’s not good for me or my social life…

Woman is a good thing created by God… I am not use to them because of just this one lady I like, I love, and will love, and it is good for me… I smoke, I don’t know why but smoking makes me feel that I am not alone… The cigarette I am holding is like a lady I’m talking to… It is like a lady I am holding… Am I a jerk to think like that… May be yes but thinking like that keeps me going on and on…!!!

That’s all for this blog..!!!

Take a look to the sky…

Just before you die… It’s the last time you will…

That’s what Metallica my man said… And yeah one should keep looking at the sky because you never know that if it is the last time you are doing such a thing… I don’t look at skies, I mean I don’t pray usually.. Only when I feel the need of it… God helps anyways… It’s his job to do…

I never care for what they do.. But I know… And she knows and nothing else matters…. !!!

Come what may….

Don’t know how to say but yes… Come what may… Looks like a big sentence for such a small person like myself… I am writing again and again don’t know what to write… I guess it is like the way it is because I always say that and I still keep on writing…

Having asthma attack but its ok..I’ll survive anyways… But the story remains of “Come What May”

the thing is that I really don’t care about life now and now I am looking forward to anything thing that may come… Just that it is between me and god… And come what may when my god is with me…

I’ve seen it… I’ve seen it all die and live again… I don’t care you… I don’t care about anyone.. Just me and my god… !!!

Whatever..

Just go away.. beating me down… killing me slow… hello… how do you do.. !!!

I am not in a mood of writing.. why? I don’t know… just accept it.. !!!

Goodbyes.. !!!

So insecure…

Today I am afraid because I don’t have anything to do… I am afraid because it is not possible for me to be free like this…!!!

I was watching Moulin Rouge and it reminded me of my story… My factual misery that I have to live with whole my life… I asked her to and she said no… If only she was not there, if only I was not like, this the way I am… And we can be heroes, just one day…!!!

So many things to say, so many things to write and nothing to feel happy about… I am working in a software house but I am not that confident, I don’t know why but I am not… I am so insecure everywhere without her…!!!

Where the Wild Things Are…!!!

I’ve been there… infact I am still there.. Where there is no one besides you but some thoughts that are crawling your mind like a zombie getting on your nerve… Like a snake that rattles, like a spider that bite… Like a dead man that walks on the street in the lonely night…

I was never like this but life has no meaning for me and I am living it, like you are reading a book that you can’t even read… Like in a race you are running alone to get the second place… like a God with no one to worship him… I am not a God, I have one… And he is there like a light on the dead end street… Like a full moon in the sky… Like a girl who is so much beautiful that you don’t even want to touch her so that she’ll lose her beauty, she’ll lose the fantasy you have for her…

I am alone and I am not alone… I am walking but I am waiting for someone… I have loved once and I am not willing to do that again… I want to be loved but that is something I’ll never get… I am losing every bit of it and still will to get it… I don’t know what I am writing but I have so many things in mind that has some meaning, that has some effect on my life… But it takes time to do everything you want to do in life… I have done it before and I will do it again…

Isn’t that too much for me to think like that when I have a family to feed, when I have life to live… God please help me, like you’ve helped people before me and will help people after me…

Today I have a presentation that I haven’t prepared and I am not even willing to prepare it… Why am I dong this I don’t know… !!!

What can I do…

Got a nice in fact amazing pic of Aria Giovanni… Thought of manipulating it cuz it’s in grayscale… But can’t think of anything… Anyways, will do something with it.

Tomorrow is my project presentation of Advance Operating System on heterogeneous Distributed Shared Memory on WAN and I haven’t prepared a bit for it… What am I doing in the world of studies…???

God please help me… !!!

Estranged…

A day that is today is strange.. and estranged… I am feeling lonely… which is not a new feeling but may the intensity is changed… I hate this feeling… but I have no choice… I like to live and I don’t want to die. That is all for today I guess… listening to Secret Garden by Bruce Spring..whatever… Omer bhai, our team lead left today…we are missing him much…

Love me… hate me not… I wanna love and loved… !!!

Enemy…

I am my enemy… strange… I don’t know why but I feel too low that I feel that I am my enemy myself. I can’t breath… I am not getting anything out of it… I am just writing and I don’t know why am I doing this to me. I love you Ismat and I love you and I can’t tell you how much I miss you. But someday sometime we both are going to meet and I promise you’ll remember the time we had and the time we hadn’t. But until then I’ll burn and fade away and somehow manage to tell myself that I love you. I love you lady and I can’t seem to forget a lady who is twice my age and married and lost and yet I love her like she sleeps with me every night, like she weeps with me every cry like she waits for me every dawn that she is mine forever… She’s my enemy who taught me to hate myself and love her who taught me to give everything for her and pray for nothing but her blessing and physical being… I am your enemy Ismat I am you god of Idolatry and adultery…!!!

I still want her…

Past saturday i.e. July 16th, 2005 was my cousin’s marriage. Wana baji, daughter of my aunt Shakira, and on her marriage I thought I saw Her, my love Ismat Zehra Malik. And for that very moment anything and everything came back and I felt like oh god she’s here. And I felt love and felt like I still love her… and I still miss her… she was not there but the feeling of her presence got life and I was floating in the essence of her presence…!!!

Keep away…

I am becoming vicious day be day… month by month… as the moon changes it changes me…

I am lazy, not willing to change myself from anything and from nothing…. I served my time in useless worthless shit and now I’m dirty… The dirt of her love… the mind and her lust and anything that is hers. I want her bad and I want her now… She is away.. and I am all alone… can’t think of anything… Invisible from me she roams the city and like a lycanthrope I wait for her blood… Keep her away from me… !!!

With Ismat Zehra

Its true the way I feel and what was promised by her face, the sound of her voice painted in my memories, even if she’s not with me I’m with her…

I can only pretend that she is here but I know she is not… I can’t forget her and I can’t get her too… With her, I am with her… I am still with her…

If only somehow she knows what I am going through… that I love her the most… that I feel her the most.. that I need her the most… She is like a wallpaper on my thoughts… and this I will not disappear… I will not…!!!

Why the hell God… why me again…

Hey there… am fine… you tell me… ???

Today what happened was the most unacceptable behavior by me and my office’s management… Raffat bhai had to call me to office cuz I was sleeping. I don’t know why this happens to me… I don’t feel like sleeping at night… night looks like demons crawling by me… feels like a dark night of damned… My every night is like this… my eyes dry, my hell’s burning, my head & heart hurt, my demons awakening, I am dead.. I am alive dead… just that I don’t wanna feel anything… I don’t want to… So please leave me be… !!!

Jerking off… Why..!!!

God… Oh God… I am so sorry for what I did… I know I shouldn’t be walking like this but please please darling help me out… help me with my sins and sorrows and despairs and doubts… I don’t wanna do this… I don’t want to… I know you can help and that is why I asked…

I am so down with all this sinner’s attitude… and I can’ take it anymore… Please help me..

I am all alone and I am all lone… I am all sane and I am all insane… It’s just you and me…!!!

Show & Tell…

It’s nothing… what I think is it is really nothing…

Ain’t got a car… ain’t got no smoke… my life’s joke… LOLZ…

She think she know me… and she knows me well… she thinks she trust me.. makes me deny the fact that she doesn’t love me…

I am all alone… there is no one beside me… I like it this way.. but I do need her to be on my side…

My lady there’s a devil lying by your side… he wants you darling to be his bride…

that’s me Atif Siddiqui…!!!

Got stuck in my work…

This is another strike from God I guess… he don’t like me doing sins and all… But I’ll manage… I love Him, I want Him… He is the only savior… We both are like friends getting upset with each other time to time… I love her too and He knows that… He just want me to struggle for her… She is unaware of my love and the fact that I’m going to get her back somehow that’s what I’m gonna do, I’ll get her back somehow her gospel is coming true…!!!

–
Atif Siddiqui

All these thoughts…

Today, while coming to the office, I had a thought of working to the fullest… letting all my creative juices flow.. but I failed… I don’t know why but I did… Had no other option… Why can’t she see that I have ruined myself for her… why can’t she feel it… I know she hears me… she replies me… she likes me even… but she fails to realize the fact that she’s not the only one, everybody needs some time…

When I first saw her she was standing by the dinning table and having lunch… we were at my aunt’s home… She was wearing a dark blue silk dress that had such a shine that caught my eyes and when I saw her… I was helpless and she caught my heart… and I was all alone… I knew she was the one who can either make me or make me not… I am still hopeful and hopeless at the same time… but I love her and I know that she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t even know if I love her… if I want her… I am writing all this just to let my heart out and I think this is nothing compared to what would’ve been if she was around… I miss her and all these thoughts… they make no sense…!!!

What is the need…

I, sometimes, feel lonely… I don’t want to… have everything a man should have to live an average life, the need to love and to be loved is a bad thing… this feeling shouldn’t be there… it ruins everything… every thought I have is for her… I can’t afford to forget her or ignore… I can only pretend like I’m ignoring her… and this pretending in turns hurts more than anything else… Why am I so selfish and only seek my satisfaction… Is it because I love her and in return I expect the same… or is it the deadly need of being with this woman I can’t forget…!!!

Ain’t I Grand…

Working like hell to get a piece of bread… Man eat man as to dog eat dog… Live and Let Die is the theory.. and I am satisfied… but is that what I suppose we are looking for… I guess not…

Ain’t I grand to think like that when I am the most sinned one…

–
Atif Siddiqui

Sometimes…

There are times when you can’t even walk… you can’t think or breath even… and I’ve forgotten to live… I don’t know what should I do when I can’t get my work done… Where is she when I need her the most… where is she when I need her presence to feel my presence, to feel my existence when she touches me with her soft-self to my ripped-self… I know I need her, I know she can’t be mine but I am disabled, to tell her the fact that she is my will to live…
and it all ends here….

Ismat Zehra

Ismat, I love you more then I do… and I am not sorry for that… if only you & me forever !

–
Atif Siddiqui

I am nothing and you are everything…

I’ve been feeling a strange attachment to a friend of mine. I wish I could tell her that how much I like her, how much I love her. I know it looks as if I am a flirt of all time but I am not, its just a swing in heart and set of mind.

I want to tell her that it is her that made me feel like I am an able person, I am the man she want to be good at life and religion and believes… but that is what I feel, she likes me I know, she like my writings.

Mahv.. I can’t lose a friend, I just can’t. And please lady don’t mistake me for a fortune’s fool…

I am a Romeo and you are not a Juliet, I would’ve found love but I found sanity and became a saint.

You are like a book I can’t keep away, a novel I intend to spend my lifetime on, a portrait I would sketch as my master and final piece… just a dream I want to live forever… A novel I want to read forever, A scar making me hide my face… I am a rose and you are the one appreciate its beauty…

But after all said and done… I am nothing and you are everything…

Love me, love me, say that you love me…

I asked her, if she loves me. She replied I would’ve loved you good sir if i had the option. Even if I love you I can’t confess it for I am bounded with this worldly relation with my husband. Annoyed and ripped, I left her, she left me and what was left was nothingness.

And then I found another reason to sin, I coveted another lady, another girl, another wife..

I didn’t want to, but I had no choice…

I like her too, I want her… I am not a fool…

Am I?

ThoughtSpur II – A Reply

This is the reply to a thought of a exceptionally wise lady…

She wrote: http://theblackmirror.blogspot.com/2005/04/thoughtspur.html

Reply:

I kept thinking on what a lady said too much in an email with a subject of “existence”. I still am unable to cope up with the idea behind all the word that she wrote so heartedly or at least it seems by the feel it give after reading the whole email.

She says that she is willing against her will to asleep. She even wants to create new wills and worlds and see is she stands perfect on it. But she is forgetting that it’s her world, her life, and she is the queen of the kingdom of her life. She can do whatever she wants and whenever she wants. She can sleep and dream about something that is not real or she can keep herself awake and chat with galz and guyz in her MSN list. Not the fact that they are just MSN windows, she can but their company by giving one. She can ignore the ones who are coming up with bad jokes and she can talk with the one who really needs to grab the difference between humanism and religions. Or she can just sign in on the online community Orkut, which is at that particular moment unreachable due to some unknown error or due to the fact that Worldcall cable walay unable most of the thing during the month of Muharram. But beside everything its hard to believe that she isn’t strong enough to face anything she might find challenging.

After this what I think my reply should be is: A child believing in something that does not exist is the requirement or helplessness of his age. He can rather sit and weep on this helplessness but he is unaware of the fact. He can fantasize the fairy which fly nearby when is on the bed and talk to that fairy. Or he can fight his thought on the existence of that lady which appear in pink or green of purple with sparkling stars, a magic wand and delicate wings.

People, as she asserts, mock my lady for her romanticism, they don’t hear the sniffs of that one child who goes to bed with believing in something that doesn’t exists. Romanticism or idealism is a personal thing, it exists in one’s personal boundary where he or she is hero of his or herself, mockers don’t stand a chance on entering the world where they are not required. Dickens, in Great Expectations, said “we are who we are, people don’t change.” A child believing in fairy is his perfectionism on that level of his imagination. He needs time to differentiate between what is real and what is not real.

That is all I can think and reply.

Alone…

I am alone.. am I not…

Am not damned… am not neglected…

Please help me god..

Finally…

I got someone to rely on… I never knew someone with such immense aura can get my sight and faithless thought… but it did… she changed me… she didn’t knew me but she tried to… she asked me to do things as if my God is asking me to do… I still fail though but I will try and keep on trying till I succeed and till she knows that I am the man she wanted me to be… Thanks to her and my God that he gave such a person no less then an angel… no less then a mentor… no less then my Ismat…

Ismat, God be with her always, She is another dark side of me…She is another goddess, She is another angel….!!!

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’z wife…

It’s not hard to think that I can really kill myself. It happens many times that you don’t know what to do and you are doing nothing. I killed myself many times when I was doing nothing and let nothingness take over me and my evil thoughts… I had the time against me … I was alone and surviving… then she came … while I wasn’t aware of her and her beauty… She was the only thing that I saw and felt like my air was getting thin as I was gaining my sight one her…I didn’t have air in my lungs… I took my pencil and sketched what I can never forget … She was beautiful and I was unable… I realized and deliberately name her my first love/lust. I wanted her, I started yearning for her and she looked at me… and my naked desires for her. I wanted her to talk to me and tell me that I want her and she already has realized that I want her and she also knows that she can’t be mine and she feels sorry for it. But that was my desire for her. She was mean beauty. She loved my vulnerability, she smiled on my helplessness and then she kissed him while she was looking in my eyes. I watched her deeper trying to tell her that “do whatever you want but you are/will be mine sooner and forever…” and I was in the middle and end of coveting my neighbor’s wife… she was beautiful… her look in the eyes told me that I am beautiful and she’s ready to commit a sin that she would die for… She and I… Together forever…!!!

Am I Alive ?

Sometimes happiness is worth more then a gold mine… I will go for a gold mine becuz happiness is not for me… never was there from the upper management… upper management is God I guess… I want to know why am I the way I am? I ain’t good at relations but I managed to love a lady… I couldn’t make her feel the same way I did… but now I feel it… and I feel lifeless… Confession is always a hard task to do… which I passed pretty easily… but I guess my existence is like as if I never existed…!!!

I welcome you in my world… I wanted to welcome her in my world…!!!

Find life to live

This is my first f’ing blog… Don’t know what to say, have already lost a previous account…

much denied….

Anyways… find life to live and find life to love…I’m not good at both… so lost myself and found Satan to be friends with… really like this guy to have guts to challenge the God… what a loser like me… who God… no its the satan… and me !… I really like to call myself a believer and deciever… I believe in God, if I didn’t then I would’ve been not like this the way I am…

Dark, Black, Empty, Satanized… come let’s sin again … !!!

Tis my article footer… hey come join me